He Spends Too Much!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2006
He Spends Too Much!!!!
21
Mon, 12-21-2009 - 4:16pm

Ok, i'll cut right to it. Almost a year ago my SO cheated on me with a co-worker. Let me rephrase that. It was almost a year ago that I found out. It was probably about two years ago that he did the cheating. I still don't know the exact time frame as he never really got specific. Well I stayed, I know dumb me, but I had my reasons. So, now I suffer the consequences.


Problem is, he has a new work schedule, he works from home, and that leaves him with the whole day to do nothing or something. I guess that is when I started paying more attention to finances. I'm the one that organizes are finances, but we have seperate bank accounts. We each have designated bills to pay throughout the month. He makes more than I do, but always ends up with less than I do within a couple of days. In the past I have taken peeks at prior purchases, but nothing looks out of the ordinary. He has his habits that really cost a lot. So i've never really found anything, but now with this schedule change and him having nothing to do in the day I can't help but feel that his money spending has something to do with him being off during the day and of course due to his past i'm going to have the worst thoughts.


Now, my issue is that like I said we have seperate accounts. He doesn't question my expenditures because he knows I don't spend. I'm a saver. I only spend on bills and grocerys and every now and then take-out. I don't do the nails or feet or hair things or massages. I'm a simple girl. So he knows he doesn't have to questions. I on the other know he spends a lot to begin with on his habits, but it still doesn't add up. So what do I do? Is it my right to say hey where is your money going?


I kind of feel wrong asking where his own hard working money is going, but on the other hand I see it as we aren't getting any younger and one day we will want kids, I know he already does, and how does he expect to spend like that and not worry about us as a family. Does that make sense? I know we don't have kids now and its just us but I feel like he's spending as if he's single. Even though it's his money, he's not single and he should be thinking about us and our future if he still wants it.


Am I wrong to question his spending? What do I say or do? Or should I just keep it as it

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Mon, 12-21-2009 - 5:00pm

It seems that there could be a mistrust issue going on. You mentioned his cheating up front, which makes me think you do have some residual suspicion of him in general. You're wondering what he does all day with his free time/what exactly he's spending it on - but then you're wondering if you are out of line. What kinds of things do you suspect?

He doesn't question you because there is nothing to question. You do have something to question on the other hand. I know you're trying to be fair, but this is something I think I'd have to know.

How do you split finances currently? Do you lump all the joint expenses and divide it by percent income made? Does he have enough money to cover his "share" of the expenses? If he cannot meet his share, then that is a bad sign.

Let's say he does meet his share of the bills, but you have no idea where the rest is going. Do you guys have any joint long term plans? A house? A vacation? How do you work towards those goals then? Is one of you going to stay at home when you have kids? You can't have the his money/my money idea if only one of you works. It's all of your money. You can each have a set amount of personal money though.

You said you do the finances. Can you see from the statements where it's all going? It seems it's time to talk about some long term ideas, and how you two envision handling finances when you're married.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Mon, 12-21-2009 - 7:34pm

About the cheating, why do you think you were dumb to stay? Do you think staying was the right answer or a mistake?

With he finances, what would happen if you did question him? What would you feel if you didn't? Have you ever made a budget using expected cost increases for food, clothing, daycare, etc.? You could suggest putting more money in savings each month to see how hard it is for you to stretch your money. Kind of like an experiement.

"The last of human freedoms - the ability to choose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances. " - Viktor Frankl.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-22-2009 - 1:05am
Welcome to the board, Elle_elle ~

I wouldn't necessarily say you were dumb to stay after cheating, why do you feel it was a dumb move? And if it's dumb, why would you be thinking about adding kids to the mix down the road? Like the others, I guess the fact that you'd say it suggests you are still struggling with issues that resulted from the cheating; I have a feeling it was never resolved to what would be considered satisfactorily. Not just because of your comment, but also because you said he's never been clear on the issue. That tells me it was buried and not opened and dealt with, which would leave you with a lot of unresolved anger and mistrust. It's not how you resolve infidelity.

In regard to your finances, I think you have every right to ask where his money is going. Maybe it would be better put this way; would you feel he has the right to ask you where your money is going if it's disappearing? Are you able to save? Is the amount of money that's going for who knows what an amount that's more than is appropriate as a monthly "allowance" for free spending?

The others asked good questions too, I'm interested in your answers to them as well.










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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2009
Tue, 12-22-2009 - 9:13am

'...Am I wrong to question his spending? What do I say or do? Or should I just keep it as it

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Tue, 12-22-2009 - 3:59pm

I don't think it's dumb to stay after a partner cheats - provided some soul searching is done to figure out what went wrong. You say you're suffering the consequences now....how so?

Regarding money, yes, you have a right to worry about his spending with a view to the future. However, I wouldn't directly question how he's spending. Instead, I'd approach it with a more positive light: "let's look at some changes at our financials so that we can start planning for a family". Don't say he's spending too much - instead, ask his assistance with planning a budget. Let HIM figure out that he's spending too much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2009
Tue, 12-22-2009 - 4:29pm

If you don't have shared finances and if he's paying the bills he's agreed to pay, then you don't have the right to question him on how he spends his money.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2006
Wed, 12-23-2009 - 4:44pm

Thank you all who replied. YOu all had some good questions for me to ponder. To start off with,

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Wed, 12-23-2009 - 5:11pm

If he is spending to the point that he then has to rely on you to pick up the slack. Then you have every right to ask him for a full accounting of his finances, because his spending is affecting you directly, and negatively.


If he isnt willing to do so.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Wed, 12-23-2009 - 5:56pm

Did he start up smoking or something?

I think you need to get a hold of the book:

"When Your Lover Is a Liar: Healing the Wounds of Deception and Betrayal" by Susan Forward and Donna Frazier

It's a great book about all sorts of people - liars, little white liars, not so straight forward, exaggerating, cheaters, spenders, etc.

I also think you need to listen to your gut. You never really got past the cheating. You said you don't fully trust him and not sure if you ever will. Then why on earth are you still with thim and having children talk?

I hope you read the book. Not only is it great at deciphering what your partner is doing, but it also looks to you the reader and how you can better read relationships. One lady in the book said, "How can I ever trust a guy again?" The author says, "It's not about trusting the other guy, it's about trusting your instincts first."

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2009
Wed, 12-23-2009 - 9:29pm

Ah. I don't think the money is the actual problem. The actual problem is that you aren't moving past the infidelity and so you don't trust him with anything.

I wouldn't be able to forgive infidelity, but since you want to keep this relationship perhaps couples counselling would be a good idea. I strongly suspect that once you resolve that issue, the money stuff will fall into place.

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