He wants time & space (long)
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He wants time & space (long)
| Sat, 02-04-2006 - 2:30pm |
He's asked for time to think...
I apologize in advance for how long this ended up being.
| Sat, 02-04-2006 - 2:30pm |
He's asked for time to think...
I apologize in advance for how long this ended up being.
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Here's what I think you need to do...and I really think this will work.
1. What's his expectation of your next step? You're going to want to *talk*, *examine* things, *figure things out*...he's already exhausted (and being choked) even anticipating it.
2. So you flip his expectation. Don't call/write/whatever for 24 hours... then if he calls you or you email him or whatever....be light light light. Say "look, I'm crazy about you...no doubt about it...but I should think about it too....lets follow your idea and simply sit with this awhile and see what happens next. "
3. Then become busy....when he calls after that, you're the nicest person in the world to him...but don't get into a long talk & always jump off the phone first (and I wouldn't spend more than 10 or 15 minutes on the phone)...tell him that you can't get together over the weekend and you're sorry but somethign's come up....reassure him again how much you like him,....then jump off the phone,
4. Now what does this do? 1) it puts you in power rather than waiting for him to decide the directon and 2) it allows him to feel longing for you again...to remember how crazy he is about you.
I just really really think that everything will turn around within 3 weeks if you can remain a cool operator. Then you can come back here & show off your engagement ring!
aaoh!
Kitkat, I guess I'm a little confused, but maybe I just misread (or just missed) part of your post
From what you've said it sounds like his ambivalence is based on assumptions he's made as to what you wanted in the relationship (and I don't think your necessarily putting out the message that you're looking for marriage and kids asap, his feeling could be strictly based on past experience or could be confused with pressure from his family). So as far as those things are concerned, it seems easy to work out. As far as your feelings due to his holding back and putting on a front that all was fine, I think that merits a discussion too. He needs to know that holding back isn't healthy or productive in a relationship and isn't something you'll tolerate. If that's how he is, then he's probably not for you long term. If it's something that isn't typical of him or is something he's willing to work on, then you've got a good starting place. (It could get started as easily as you asking him every few days, "Is there anything we need to talk about?) Your defenses being up is understandable and appropriate. You were led to believe things were fine when they weren't, who's to say what else he's holding back on and when can you trust that everything really is okay? I mean, you thought things were great before and *bang* you found out that was not at all the case. He fooled you before, how will you know if it's happening again, right? Well, a couple of things. He rolled over pretty easy -- all you had to do was ask a direct question and he gave you the answer, so it's not like he's being defensive and lying, that's a plus. Your defensiveness, apprehension and hurt will fade and heal with time and plosive experiences with him. You'll need experiences showing you that he's being upfront and honest to outweigh this, and it'll take quite a few to soothe your inner defenses and allow them to see him in a positive light.
Let me know if I totally missed this, okay? I feel like I did.....
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
YOU SAID:
Some time back, at about 2 months into dating, we had a little heart-to-heart, and we talked about the speed of the events happening between us.
Peace,
Di
***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***
Oh, you're good :)
Seem straightforward to me.
The first 3-9 months of any relationship no matter how Instant the connection and chemistry due to shared secrets, needs, and desires where the other person doesn't run for the hills screaming in terror is still "infatuation". hich is "your desire for me and attention to me makes me feel so great about being me, I can't get enough of involvement withyou at this time."
So it's really not a phase of character asssessment objectively, or a factually assessing period of values, priorities, standards and goals. NO matter how specifically you think you've talked - it's been in generalities. both of you have put your own experiences, needs, wants, and desires into what you've heard and seen - there's been no objectivity.
So at this point, it's not so much taht you're together out of respect, admiration, trust, and acceptance of this person's charater and values - that you're considering it a privilege, pleasure nad honor to be affiliated iwth someone of such intelligence, intregrity and self-responsibility.
it's two peopl ein a giddy high of "man, you're so all that because of how your undiluted, unadulterated, un-earned attention makes me feel about myself".
That's why he has 'confusion"......he's got no facts to review (and what he has processed subliminally is not positive per se) and he's got lots of "feelings" - which are not facts, goals, and calls to action or tools of cognition.
So while he loves being with you, and around you, while he loves all the giddy high of it - it's unrealistic and unintelligent to commit to a future - because feelinsg are transitional. And there's been no character assessement or acceptance garnered so far.
You've followed alot of "rules" and put alot ofemphasis and parameters on things which have no power orpriority in general situations. You've put alot of emphasis on meeting one another's families and friends - to you that signifies commitment....but to him it does not obviously. He's not committed now - yet he involved in those things with you because it was fun and enjoyable the time - that's not wrong.
You've taken alot of assumptions and projections and utilized them as facts, so you've spent alot of time talking in the present, about the future - while he's talking about his hopes and dreams...but not necessarily his specific plans and pursuits regarding the future, or with you in it.
So he's 40, never married, no kids...what makes you think he wants obligation? Commitment? What makes you think he wants to consider the needs, wants, feelings, and goals of someone else equally with his own while pursuing life? He's 40 and so far he hasn't wanted it enough to do it....it's not a question of the 'right woman" - it's that he doesn't want that level of commitment.
Basically dear, you've no clue how to date. Dating is all about enjoying the moments spent together doing whatever it is that is mutually agreed to. But it's not about preparing, planning, and projecting into the future whatsoever.
So you rather sped thru the feelings trough of infatuation as if it were a banquet...and now you've plowed yourself into "let's see where we're going" - when you don't know one another as individuals, and you've jmpedoff th cliff of "where are we headed".
he's dating you - he's enjoying the fun, sex, conversation, interaction, and infatuation and flirtation and attention of "dating" - but he's not out there creating a future WITH YOU.......he's out there perhaps talking about his future...because he's going to have one. We all are.
While you're going "I don't know what I want out of this relationship" - you might not be saying "I want marriage now"...but what you're saying is I want a guarantee of marriage in the future, or some reassurance regarding it. So you do know "why" you're in this relationship - to get commitment. He's in this not so much at this point about commitment as about enjoyment.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Thank you for your forthright reply.
I didn't see anything in your response that resembled and attack ;-)
I understand where you are coming from.
Peace,
Di
***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***
Thanks again for the input.
Cool...
It sounds as though you are not the kind of person that is totally consumed with being with him every waking hour of the day.
Peace,
Di
***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***
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