He wants time & space (long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2005
He wants time & space (long)
19
Sat, 02-04-2006 - 2:30pm

He's asked for time to think...


I apologize in advance for how long this ended up being.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2005
Mon, 02-06-2006 - 7:48pm

Erin

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2005
Mon, 02-06-2006 - 9:02pm

Thanks a last time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-07-2006 - 12:34am

Dirextor, Along the lines of him having voiced his concerns but not being able to go through the motions to make what he wants a reality. What kind of future can a relationship have with a guy who can't say what he wants and/or can't take steps to make the relationship what he wants? A relationship takes two, it's not up to her to second guess whether he's happy, unhappy, comfortable, uncomfortable or whatever, she's not the caretaker of the relationship, you know? Yes, I know he said he wanted to slow down, but that was his desire, not hers so it's a boundary he'd have to define; she can't possibly know what he has in mind, and if he doesn't set it and doesn't say anything I'd say she has every right to assume he's happy with how things are.



And if, as your friend said, in his mind he's already told her (and apparently she was ignoring his stated wishes), do you want a relationship with a guy who "told you once and isn't going to tell you again"? Does he handle everything in his life like that or just women? Thoughts?







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-07-2006 - 12:45am

Having read the responses and reread the original post yet again, I see it more clearly than I did last night (tired and rushed, not a good combo). First up I think the answer may lie in a lot of the issues he brought up that you didn't mention (and I'm not asking that you explain them), if his issues were the marriage/kids thing, you should have pretty much ironed that out by telling him it's not a priority to you, and maybe not something you want at all. I will say that he went into the relationship willingly, he voiced a desire to slow down, but didn't do anything about applying the brakes. If he decides not to continue it will be on him -- he'll not have given it a fair shot, IMO. He'll not have put any of his own effort into slowing it down so sit can proceed at the speed he'd be more comfortable with; he'll have given up without putting it the work he needed to give it. I know you'll be really hurt if that happens, but it's one of those things you're not in control of, it's his decision, and I know you know that. Frankly, if he'll do that, no matter how good it feels at this point, it'll be a good thing to have ended it; a relationship with a guy who can't put in the work to make a relationship what he wants it to be isn't going to be a satisfying or lasting relationship anyway, you know? And I guess I feel like there must be more than the issues you mentioned since he still needed time to think after you set him straight on the marriage/kids issues.


Another question -- you guys are an hour apart and only see each other on weekends, just how fast can this be going? I mean you each have five days every week to be on your own, do what you want, etc.; getting together on weekends. Is what he's really saying that it's beginning to feel like more of a stable marriage-headed relationship than he's comfortable having right now? Is the seriousness he's feeling making him uncomfortable?


If he's interested in continuing, I think I'd be asking for to put some plans in place: what is going to be different, how it's going to be different and what the boundaries are. Just saying you're going to slow down is like just saying you're going to diet....yeah, someday. I'd also ask him to be more vocal about how things are going from his perspective and would let him know I didn't want a relationship where I had to babysit any aspect of him (you want an equal not someone to caretake). I would tell him I'd be willing to check in with him from time to time (how are things going?) but I'd expect honest answers and I wouldn't expect him to wait to be asked if something was up. So I guess when the check in day comes, I'd probably say, "Yeah, I'm willing to continue if the following changes can occur...."







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Tue, 02-07-2006 - 11:03am

This might add some insight.

When people go "we took things too fast" - what do they really mean? As a rule, they don't really mean that physically, sexually, or even financially they do what they did not want to do and had reservations about.

What they generally find out in hindsight is that they've come to rely on this person "being who they are" - that's what trust is - you're trusting them to remain true to character.......and yet, you don't know who they are.

It's rather like meeting family - if that means something significant to you - then you'd only do it with someone that you love, respect, trust, and accept - so that your family isn't meeting everybody who comes into your world, in any capacity. If it doesn't mean anything to you in terms of significance, anybody you're enjoying at the moment can be brought thre without hesitation, expectation, reservation or regret.

So possibly what you mean is that you've come very close to the point of becoming intertwined, reliant in a healthy way, or comingled with them and now you're realizing "but I don't really know them as a person" - I just know the feelings I have about "our relationship" as it exists right now - at the superficial, external, and feelings oriented plane.

I've been more successful at life going at things in a non-personalized way. Everybody, including me, is doing what they want to do, what they believe is right and their right to do, they believe what they're doing is going to get them their desired result.

I don't take anything personally....I don't believe that they're stepping up to the plate, out of character, into character, or into a role "becuase I am all that".......I believe they're being who they are.

If over time I find that it was an act, it'll fade fast and become apparent...we can disassociate. But I am always true to myself, so that I don't "put on an act for them".

So from his statement that YOU are putting the pressure on him, I'd run to the fact that he's experiencing "pressure" - self or other induced not the point. He'd believing there are expectations and requirements of him that he does not want to involve in......and rather than come out and admit that......he's displacing blame/fault on other people to justify his retreat.

It's what immature and insecure people do. Who don't believe they have the right to do anything on their own, becuase they don't want to handle the results/consequences of thier actions.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 02-07-2006 - 3:18pm

CL,


I hear what you are saying but on paper with out all the other details, he "says lets back off" but continues the same mode of operation.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-08-2006 - 2:13am

Ok, I get it, and I agree, I wouldn't be able to proceed "business as usual" if he'd indicated it wasn't okay with him. Being the "face up and find out what's going on" kind of person I am, I would ask direct questions and expect direct, honest answers. Problems don't resolve overnight (especially without any action to precede it) and ignoring problems doesn't make them okay. Back in my younger days though, I can so see me being more than happy to go with the flow, silently hoping against hope that if he'd somehow magically resolved it and everything was fine now.... I can also see the old me being afraid to ask questions for fear of the answers that I'd get.


Thanks for going there with me.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 02-08-2006 - 4:16pm

Yep CL...


I remember all to vividly wanting desperately to approach certain conversations, raise specific issues or get answers to gnawing questions, but refrained for fear of the answers themselves, knowing that there would be a lack of a

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2006
Wed, 03-29-2006 - 9:38am

Well... our situations are incredibly similar, except for some minor details. I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years and living together for one year. Our lease is almost up and we have to make a decison about living together another year. Out of nowhere he tells me he has been thinking about getting his own apartment. For the whole "time and space" issue. I couldn't belive it. I was shocked and I had absolutely no idea.

I feel like his stress level has certainly interfered and made him feel as if he needs to run away. But, our relationship is so strong I feel like we can make it through this... if we just give it some time. But I'm still not sure how he feels, because he doesn't seem to be communicating everything to me that he needs to.

I think you too will be okay and be able to work things out. If you really feel that strongly about him and want to be with him, you will be if he is willing. The whole break down in communication is not great, but can be fixed. At least I hope it can be for both you and me. It sounds like you have a basically happy and good relationship, it is just a hill that needs to be climbed, but once you're over it everything will look much better.

Good luck!

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