He was looking for a picture of a girl he used to know..

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2012
He was looking for a picture of a girl he used to know..
8
Sun, 03-18-2012 - 4:03am
I've been dating him for six months. I've never felt more in love. He treats me superbly, we're together constantly, the sex is phenomenal. He's attentive, caring, and understanding and the deepest friendship I've had in my life. We're very open with each other and are admittedly very jealous lovers. We make sacrifices for one another that we don't feel are much at all, but that other couples would be loathed to do for one another. It's been common since the beginning for each to have access to every part of the other's typically private "stuff", such as, text messages, Internet browser, etc. When we've run into something we wondered about, "who's this guy who texted you?", I've been honest to a fault, and so, for the most part has he.

Since its common for me to look at the web browser on his phone it's never out of the ordinary for me to know when and what porn he's watching. We're both very sexual people, I watch porn plenty and he's seen it on my phone as well, it never bothers either of us since we're both getting plenty.

I was on his phone the other day and I saw a strange app that I remember seeing before but suddenly wondered what it was. I clicked it and found out it wasa second Internet browser. I opened up the history and noticed some porn amongst other things. Then I noticed that between searching for "normal girl" porn and "hipster" porn, he had google searched a first and last name. I recognized it as the name of the girl wjo's family he stayed with briefly in high school. The two of them still text now and then and he sees her when he travels back to his home state, once a year or so. A month ago I asked him, when they had a brief text conversation on his birthday, what that relationship had been. He said he never liked her and viewed her as a sister. She apparently had dated his best friend for a few years. Also, they lived under the same roof and nothing ever remotely happened between them. He also said she wouldn't have any of it anyway, she's a successful graphic designer and that he couldn't see himself having interest ever in someone who is as wrapped up her own success as she is. However, this history on the browser is chronological. He was in the midst of looking at porn, then searched her name. I searched it myself and nothing of her comes up, so he went no further, but only because he couldn't perhaps.

This is all very upsetting to me. He has promised he loves me and only me and made me feel so secure in the fact that he is only sexually attracted to me on all of those most important levels. I'm a realist, I understand tits and ass are going to get him hard. I get that because I watch porn too and it gets me going too. What I don't get is why he's got this other girl so heavily on his mind that when he's turned on, he wants to look at her, this actual person in his life.

So, he lied when he said he never liked her. He had, he confessed that the night I brought it up. Also, when I showed him the phone and what I'd found he said he thought it was from different times of the day, then I showed him that I knew the browser worked chronologically. He just acted dumbfounded and confused. I had to say, after twenty minutes, in a raised voice, "you were looking at porn then you were looking to see her face. Stop lying to means explain why you need to see this girl when you're turned on" So, he confesses and I'm furious and hurt. And I'm angry that he has a secret browser on his phone. He knew I didn't know about it but rationalized that it was right there in the open so of course that's not a secret. Still, he lied to me. Several times. Once a month ago, when he put my mind at a false sense of ease. Ten again, over and over for twenty minutes, hoping I was too stupid to know how an Internet history works. The night ended with him, begging me to stay with him and give him another chance to be honest. He was in tears, actually crying. And he's not at all the type to cry. I forgave him and expressed all the ways in which his actions hurt my self esteem and my ability to trust him on anything he's ever said. He apologized over and over and said he would always be completely honest.

When I tried to get at why he looked her up, he admitted that yes, he had a crush on her years ago. He said when he was with his ex and since living his home state he's obsessed about his past and the things he feels like he missed. He said that he was disgusted with himself as soon as he hit search. He said that after it searched he stopped and felt like he'd passed some sort of test with himself, that looking to the past was no longer something he needed now that we're together. However, he could be lying. He already has so there's no way to know. What if it went like this: He is horny and looking at porn, he thinks about her because he's still got some sort of feelings for her. It seems like he'd have to if he wanted to look at her picture. So he searches, nothing pops up. Then he goes from searching "normal girl" to "hipster", maybe to find something that resembles her a bit more, not me, the normal girl. The one who will date a barista working on his Fine Arts degree, when he really wants this girl from years ago who is too successful for him now.

What should I do? I've expressed all this to him, but I can't get any sense of resolution. And I feel like after the lies, I can't believe a word he says. Help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

This is a prime example for me of why too much info is a bad thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011

Its only been 6 months, are you exclusive with him?

I agree with music, some distance and privacy is not a bad thing. I would never give SO my passwords to anything, and certainly wouldn't allow free access. Its none of his business who I talk to it. That's the basis of trust. And since he has lied to you about her, now its up to you. If you don;t feel like you can trust him, then move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007

I can only agree that this is the result of looking through all his stuff.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011

Good point regarding the passwords. I do have SO's password, so when I am there and he is at work, I can log on. But I don;t look at anything of his, why would I?

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997

Sounds to me like you have confused "access" with "trust." Opening up your private information doesn't indicate trust or even openness, it only indicates a willingness to be obsessively UN-private.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

Your relationship is wonderful, wonderful, wonderful!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009

"Sounds to me like you have confused "access" with "trust." Opening up your private information doesn't indicate trust or even openness, it only indicates a willingness to be obsessively UN-private.

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
undercovercrab wrote:

"Seems to me like you pride yourself on being "open" and want someone to be "open" with you, and you want to prove how cool you are with the porn and so on.