HE WONT THROW AWAY PICTURES OF EX'S!!!
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| Sat, 10-28-2006 - 10:05am |
Hi everyone,
I'm new to this board but it seemed as if I could get some real advice here so... I'll get straight to the point. Yesterday I asked my husband to throw away all the pictures of his ex-girlfriends. I told him that I felt disrespected. We'll be married a yr on December. He doesn't keep them out so that everyone can see them, he keeps them in a box in the closet. Anyways he said "NO". It made me really upset since I asked him sincerely not trying to be a bitch. I don't keep my ex's pics why should he. He told me that he doesn't trow away pics. Well the box doesn't just have pics it has old love letters from one ex who cheated on him(plus her pics). I asked him why don't you throw away hers and he said I'm fine with throwing hers away. But he wont throw away his other ex's pics. (girl before me, lets call her Larisa). I understand if he doesn't want to throw away prom pics, he went to Larisas prom, but all the other ones. He said the prom pics are the only pics he has of her... so I said too bad. but he still said no. He said he would send the box to his mom so she could keep it if I didn't want it in the house. Why would he want it at his moms? so he can go and look at them whenever he wants? I don't know. I'm just being jealous I know but hey, everyone gets a time they can be jealous and I picked this one. It really bothers me plus the fact that a few months ago (Larisa is a NFL cheerleader) he was showing off the fact that he went out with her to some guys here on the base. That really hurt me and this is making it worse. Am I wrong for wanting him to get rid of them. I know he wont and that box will forever have to be dragged a long with me. ugh... I'm just so frustrated with it. Yea... it was cute how he kept stuff while we were dating but now we're married and I think it's time for him to move on. He said he cant throw them away because it was a good and fun time in his life... I don't know. Should I just get over it?? Or does anyone have some advice on how to get him to get rid of them? HELP!!!

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Answers to those questions will help a lot.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Read about my mommin' in Chicago!
TOTALLY! You know in real life she's got some bacne and few crows feet.
Don't be a sucker, Mamaflaquita! You're WAY HOTTER!
Read about my mommin' in Chicago!
Yes, you need to get over this. Not only that, but you need to carefully examine what it is that makes you so upset about his keeping these pictures - becasue that is symptomatic of a potentially serious problem that you will have to fix if your marrriage is going to succeed.
I am particularly impressed with your husband that he agreed to throw away the love letters and send the box to his mother. This was a good compromise, and shows he has some degree of maturity and sensitivity to your feelings. It will help you if you allow yourself to perceive that his agreement to do it was a loving gift to you. The reality is that everyone has a past and throwing away pictures of it doesn't make it dissapear. This was part of his life, as he said, and he has every right to keep the souveniers. If you don't want to keep yours, fine. Your decision does not place any responsibility on him to do the same, and his decision does not reflect on you.
In fact, you were wrong to even ask him, and you owe him an apology.
Here are the possible underlying problems that your behavior points to (please note that I said "possible"):
1. You are young, immature and insecure in your relationship. This is the least dangerous scenario, as you can easily overcome it by growing up a little, realizing he married you and not "them," and working on trusting that he loves you.
2. You have a legitimate reason not to trust your husband because of behavior you have observed before your marriage and since. If this is the case, you need couple's counseling to address the issue(s) of trust and a therapist to help you sort out where it's really coming from.
I suggest you speak to a professional about this and any other similar problems that may have occurred over the past year, listen carefully to their advice, and follow it.
LRM329
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
It's a small portable hard drive that is about 60 gig that I knew he put music files on - they take up too much space to have right on his computer. It's about the size of 2 decks of cards end to end. I knew it existed, but hadn't looked at it before. It was at home one day hooked up to one of our computers and while I was looking for another file, I saw it and was curious to see what music he picked. But I saw another folder in there called "software archive" and thought there might be something interesting in there. Well, it was interesting all right. It's all his ex GFs and people he's even dated. He does treat me very well, tells me he loves me all the time, and stuff in the past is behind him - that's why it's all the more confusing. He's turning 50 in 2 weeks (I'm almost 49).
I actually went to counseling yesterday and we talked about this. She said I just need to ask him about it, and I did last night. I pretty much expected this, he said he really didn't remember that it was even there and he was stupid for even having them, and he will immediately delete them. He apologized and said he will change his behavior. The counselor said believe the behavior, not the words - so we'll see.
I agree with your therapist, the behavior is where the proof is, not in the word. I'm not you, but if he were mine, I'd be pushing for some answers that made sense.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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