HE WONT THROW AWAY PICTURES OF EX'S!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
HE WONT THROW AWAY PICTURES OF EX'S!!!
24
Sat, 10-28-2006 - 10:05am

Hi everyone,

I'm new to this board but it seemed as if I could get some real advice here so... I'll get straight to the point. Yesterday I asked my husband to throw away all the pictures of his ex-girlfriends. I told him that I felt disrespected. We'll be married a yr on December. He doesn't keep them out so that everyone can see them, he keeps them in a box in the closet. Anyways he said "NO". It made me really upset since I asked him sincerely not trying to be a bitch. I don't keep my ex's pics why should he. He told me that he doesn't trow away pics. Well the box doesn't just have pics it has old love letters from one ex who cheated on him(plus her pics). I asked him why don't you throw away hers and he said I'm fine with throwing hers away. But he wont throw away his other ex's pics. (girl before me, lets call her Larisa). I understand if he doesn't want to throw away prom pics, he went to Larisas prom, but all the other ones. He said the prom pics are the only pics he has of her... so I said too bad. but he still said no. He said he would send the box to his mom so she could keep it if I didn't want it in the house. Why would he want it at his moms? so he can go and look at them whenever he wants? I don't know. I'm just being jealous I know but hey, everyone gets a time they can be jealous and I picked this one. It really bothers me plus the fact that a few months ago (Larisa is a NFL cheerleader) he was showing off the fact that he went out with her to some guys here on the base. That really hurt me and this is making it worse. Am I wrong for wanting him to get rid of them. I know he wont and that box will forever have to be dragged a long with me. ugh... I'm just so frustrated with it. Yea... it was cute how he kept stuff while we were dating but now we're married and I think it's time for him to move on. He said he cant throw them away because it was a good and fun time in his life... I don't know. Should I just get over it?? Or does anyone have some advice on how to get him to get rid of them? HELP!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 8:23pm
wow I can't believe he takes them with him. what for??? I guess that makes me feel better about having him keep them in the closet. sorry...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 10:48pm
Pinkie57, this drive holds multiple pictures, of one ex or of multiple ex's? Is this all the drive has on it? What reason does he give you for taking them with him all the time? How does he treat you? Does he show you that he loves and cares for you? How old is he?


Answers to those questions will help a lot.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2002
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 11:20pm
What's wrong with a little self-improvement and taking a breather from obsessing over your husband's quirk?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2002
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 11:22pm

TOTALLY! You know in real life she's got some bacne and few crows feet.

Don't be a sucker, Mamaflaquita! You're WAY HOTTER!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 5:11am

Yes, you need to get over this. Not only that, but you need to carefully examine what it is that makes you so upset about his keeping these pictures - becasue that is symptomatic of a potentially serious problem that you will have to fix if your marrriage is going to succeed.

I am particularly impressed with your husband that he agreed to throw away the love letters and send the box to his mother. This was a good compromise, and shows he has some degree of maturity and sensitivity to your feelings. It will help you if you allow yourself to perceive that his agreement to do it was a loving gift to you. The reality is that everyone has a past and throwing away pictures of it doesn't make it dissapear. This was part of his life, as he said, and he has every right to keep the souveniers. If you don't want to keep yours, fine. Your decision does not place any responsibility on him to do the same, and his decision does not reflect on you.

In fact, you were wrong to even ask him, and you owe him an apology.

Here are the possible underlying problems that your behavior points to (please note that I said "possible"):

1. You are young, immature and insecure in your relationship. This is the least dangerous scenario, as you can easily overcome it by growing up a little, realizing he married you and not "them," and working on trusting that he loves you.

2. You have a legitimate reason not to trust your husband because of behavior you have observed before your marriage and since. If this is the case, you need couple's counseling to address the issue(s) of trust and a therapist to help you sort out where it's really coming from.

I suggest you speak to a professional about this and any other similar problems that may have occurred over the past year, listen carefully to their advice, and follow it.

LRM329

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 10:37am
There is nothing at all wrong with self improvement and focusing on yourself, doing so is quite healthy.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2006
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 12:43pm

It's a small portable hard drive that is about 60 gig that I knew he put music files on - they take up too much space to have right on his computer. It's about the size of 2 decks of cards end to end. I knew it existed, but hadn't looked at it before. It was at home one day hooked up to one of our computers and while I was looking for another file, I saw it and was curious to see what music he picked. But I saw another folder in there called "software archive" and thought there might be something interesting in there. Well, it was interesting all right. It's all his ex GFs and people he's even dated. He does treat me very well, tells me he loves me all the time, and stuff in the past is behind him - that's why it's all the more confusing. He's turning 50 in 2 weeks (I'm almost 49).

I actually went to counseling yesterday and we talked about this. She said I just need to ask him about it, and I did last night. I pretty much expected this, he said he really didn't remember that it was even there and he was stupid for even having them, and he will immediately delete them. He apologized and said he will change his behavior. The counselor said believe the behavior, not the words - so we'll see.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 10:08pm
You're saying this behavior isn't normal, expected behavior from him, yes? I'm not trying to cause trouble, but it does seem odd, all of it. At his age, I'd think at least some of those pictures would have to have been scanned in, if they're from print photos (which I assume many of them would be) it wouldn't be as easy as copying a computer file. So, he'd have to go to the trouble to scan them in.... The name of the file folder is odd too, "Software archive" isn't at all indicative of pictures, it's indicative of a boring computer program; it's as though the title was used to be deceptive. I assume the pictures were not suggestive or pornographic? Were you aware that he had these pictures before you found them on his drive? I guess I go back to what a therapist once told me -- when things don't make sense it's not because you don't understand, it's because it doesn't make sense. In other words, it's not that you don't get it, it's that the story you're being given isn't plausible. Trying to make sense of something that doesn't make sense will always keep you confused. Of course, I know you know it's not plausible that these pictures ended up on his drive in a mismarked folder "accidently" or without his knowledge.


I agree with your therapist, the behavior is where the proof is, not in the word. I'm not you, but if he were mine, I'd be pushing for some answers that made sense.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2006
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 12:51pm
Honestly, I don't think it's a big deal. I'm a very big fan of pictures and I have albums beyond albums that I keep put away. Most are of family and friends, and sure I have some of the ex's and I, but I don't keep them because of my ex's. I keep them because I love my pictures, and I'm not gonna just toss them for anyone. My BF made a comment the other day when we were moving about a photo album I had of my ex from 14 years ago. He wasn't really mad but he said "I don't keep pics of my ex's." I don't keep them to go back and look at. I'm just really weird about throwing pics away. If my BF had pics of ex's I wouldn't care. Especially if he's not going through them on a daily basis. I don't think you have anything to worry about.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2006
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 11:38pm
I saw your other post about him hitting you - so pictures should be the least of your problems. You need to get away from this guy. Hitting is NEVER acceptable. And if you push him about an issue like this, it might inflame him even more. Be careful, and take care of yourself.