Healing from Porn?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
Healing from Porn?
13
Wed, 09-21-2005 - 11:03pm

I wrote a post a while ago about my boyfriend using porn. We have a serious relationship and have planned on getting married eventually.

He was married before and didn't have a healthy relationship. He used porn as a means for what he wasn't getting. He knew I didn't approve of it but while we were dating I found out he was doing it. He said he didn't know I felt so strongly about it but I said it was like he was cheating. He said he would change this and not continue.

It's been several months now and I really believe he has changed it. I really don't think he does it at all anymore esp since I can get on his computer anytime and everything looks legit. We don't live together because we both have kids so I am not with him 24/7.

This is the problem though, ever since that time I have been severely scarred by this experience because I thought our relationship was so strong that nothing like that would come between us and since I thought I had expressed how I felt about it I thought he wouldn't do it.
I am paranoid all the time when we go out that he might be checking out other girls, I am paranoid of sexy actresses on tv, I am paranoid about so many stupid things that I don't remember feeling that way before this all happened. I get super jealous a lot of times over stupid things.

Now I know I've had a problem with jealousy in the past (I was also married) but I got over it and had no problems with the fidelity of my spouse but I can't understand why I can't get over this and if it all stems from what happened with the porn? I have never considered myself to be an insecure person and actually felt very confident with myself until this happened.
Please advise because we have been on the verge of breaking up because he says I need to trust him but I live in constant fear and paranoia that his eyes are wandering....HELP!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
Sun, 09-25-2005 - 7:23pm

Hi cl-2nd, no I haven't been on here for a few days but the issue is not going away unfortunately.

I want to answer your questions -

1. We've been together for about a year now and yes I discovered he was still looking at porn just a few months ago (May-ish) which is when I wrote that long post.

2. He's been trying to be more trustworthy in a lot of ways in which he wasn't so much before, he actually moved closer to me, he doesn't go out as much with friends who are somewhat irresponsible, he tries to be available to me on a regular basis and he has taken everything off of his computer related to porn (although I don't see his work computer at all). I don't believe he is doing it because I don't think he would have the time. He works all day (unless he ever looks there) then has his son a lot in the evenings and we have the same nights free so we're usually together then.

I can't fault him for not trying to change because he has tried to change a lot of different things to try to be a better person and I don't believe it's always just for me but for himself too.

I think what has changed in our relationship the most in regards to this issue and this is something I noticed even months ago but he seems to be more communicative with me. I've actually read up on some of the effects of porn and how it can actually prevent a man from going deeper in his relationship and to be dead honest, I noticed this before, I REALLY noticed this and that has changed.

We do talk about it but often times it's a subject that I'm kind of forcing on him and he is often not wanting to deal with it. Unfortunately he is habituated to not dealing with things, to running away from them. He gets very defensive (and granted I probably don't always approach things the right way either) and gets mad at me. Like when we're out and I'm wondering if he's looking at some other woman and if I say something he'll get mad. Or if I get upset because the movie we're watching is showing a little more than I would like of some woman then I'll just clam up and we'll argue.

Let me say too that besides my beliefs being conservative on the issue of sexuality and the media, I also had an episode happen in my life a long time ago with someone who I should have been able to trust and I do believe this has affected me very much in my relationships with people.

However, as I said before before I knew of the porn issue I really did not feel as though there was a rift between us and when I found out then I felt very much betrayed and not knowing then what goes on in his head and his mind all the time if he was able to still look at porn while we were together. My feeling is that he is looking at other women and from what I had thought we agreed on was (at least even he said) that if you are in love with someone you shouldn't need that, but there it was.

It's a subject I'm very sensitive to, I'm very sensitive now to a lot of things that I probably wasn't before this issue but I do believe it's because what I had originally THOUGHT I believed about him and his beliefs on love wasn't so so it did leave me wondering and hurting very much.

We argue a lot to the point where it's making an absolute mess of our relationship. I feel like I want to know what he thinks about other women since he was ok with looking at them naked before. I want to know what goes on his mind and I am so uncomfortable now with him looking and watching stuff with sexy women on the screen all the time. I'm driving him nuts. I have started going to therapy (not just because of this but my life is a mess right now, but this adds to it) and it's an issue I want to deal with to make sure it's not just something I need to work on and change about myself. He doesn't have a lot of time to devote to therapy but I think that he is willing to work on things with me, he has said so. He wants to know if there is anything he can do to try to work on it with me (what he says in a calm moment after the storm of fighting has calmed down.

I honestly don't believe it is something he is doing anymore but the effects of it linger on like leprosy. I know that my background from my religious education and from what happened to me make my values and standards much different from most people and I don't know if they are something he can handle or if I should impose on him. I love him and he loves me and when all is said and done we still want to spend our lives together but I just don't know if our completely different views and opinions will converge into a happy life together.

I don't want this to end up a sad break up one day after we've spent so much time investing in this relationship when we come to realize we won't be able to make our views compatible though we want to very much.

Anyone got the answer for me? I hope...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 09-25-2005 - 9:15pm

I have to say, from my standpoint and in my opinion (and I think we have very similar views when it comes to sexuality and such in movies, etc), this isn't something that you are ever going to feel okay about. This isn't something that you will be able to accept him doing. Even though it truly has nothing to do with you.

You can't impose your standards or values on him. He has to hold them too in order to actually keep and live them. He can agree to it verbally, but unless he BELIEVES it, it won't matter. And even then, it will be a struggle for him because it's been a part of his life before. He can overcome it, if it's what he wants. And only if it's what he wants.

I wish I could tell you it will all be okay and you don't have to worry about it. But the two of you have a fundamental difference in values and standards and unless one of you changes your values and standards, it WILL cause problems.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 12:11am

I totally support your right to have different beliefs on pornography than I, and if I made you feel that I was trying to tell you your beliefs on it are wrong, I want you to know that was not my thought or my intent.


Since you found this all out in May, it's still very early in the game, no way, IMO, should you be believing or trusting him yet and no way should be be "over this". It's huge and yes, if he knew where you stood on the issue all along and kept his true beliefs and actions from you he did a very, very, unacceptable thing to you in having you continue to move forward in the relationship based on false beliefs. I'd be more than a little angry about that if I were you.


I absolutely believe it is critically vital to your relationship's recovery (as well as you personally in this relationship) that you be free to talk about this issue and that he be willing and able to listen and take responsibility for it. Hopefully that will become clear to him in counseling. As far as what you mentioned about how he's changed (spending less time with friends, reporting to have deleted porn from his computer, etc.), I don't see how that makes his life an "open book" and allows you to be more aware of what's going on or what he is or is not doing. And why can't you suggest dropping by his work one evening and checking the contents of his computer? Suggest it spur of the moment and you'll know what's there and what's not since he won't have had time to delete anything. You've mostly talked about peeking at his computer and what he's told you, as well as being around you more, but none of that is enough and frankly, none of that really addresses the issue itself. Obviously you can't ever know for absolute certain, he could only view porn from the computers at the public library and you'd have no way of knowing, but checking every source you do have available (his computer, his email passwords for instance) will allow you to see for yourself what's on his computer and whether he's engaged in pay-for sites or has begun email or chats related to porn. It sounds like you believe that he's "clean" and that's great (and important), but quite frankly, he fooled you before -- and you totally believed him, the only way you'll be able to satisfy that what you're being told is real is to look for yourself. Being closer, not hanging out with friends doesn't stop him from looking at porn, I certainly don't know if they are (and I'm not trying to create problems) but they seem to be things that take the focus off the real problem (porn), have you distracted by other things that aren't really about porn at all. If that's true, it would seem that things are better, that he's not using porn, but in fact nothing he's showing you gives you one bit of evidence or proof that that's the case -- and that's what you need to ease your concerns. I'd urge you to check with the Families Damaged by Pornography board for some suggestions on what you should be asking to have access to. I'm glad you're in therapy, you certainly didn't need this on top of the other things you were dealing with, but already being in therapy with a therapist that you have a relationship with certainly gives you a head start.


As for differing values and morals, much as you don't want to hear, I absolutely agree with Jen. If your fiance's beliefs on this are different from your own that's not a good sign for your relationship. Values and morals are the foundation blocks of a relationship, without those blocks solidly in place, how can you build and grow a strong, stable relationship? And, if he's trying to change because you want him to (or because he thinks he has to to save the relationship) it won't be a change in his beliefs, and it won't likely be something that he'll abstain from forever. His motivation is wrong, he's not trying to change himself, he's trying to hang onto you. If this is a case where he believes differently on this very important basic moral issue, it doesn't bode well for your relationship, and it'll come up as a problem again and again on many different fronts. What kids can see and do comes to mind in the forefront. You aren't going to change his beliefs any more than he's going to change yours, and being of the same mind on basic moral and value issues is very important.


Best of luck with this, Quirky.







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