Help ... 4 yr relationship broken

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Help ... 4 yr relationship broken
27
Mon, 07-30-2012 - 7:06pm
Im a 46 yr old guy , she's 44. I have issues because my dad was never in my life receiving love. She had family abuse and a alcoholic ex that emotionally abused her, told her she was worthless. Also she has ADHD, and fibromyalgia. We've had communication issues all along. Tough to solve problems because any stress causes fibromyalgia to flare up. Made it tough for me to express my feelings. I hurt her by saying her place was cluttered, she thinks I'm trying to mold her into something different, I fell in love with her for who she is. We broke up a couple times over stupid things, always talking her into working on us. We agreed to counseling but before we went I hurt her again when I got frustrated over bad communication and broke up stupidly. She's devistated. I know she loves me still but says she needs time and space. I've quit the emails/texting all the time as I realize it only pushed her away more. After 5 weeks we did meet and were really civil a couple days in a row. We were both out of town this weekend Seperately and I asked her if I could contact her when I got back, she said sure. What should I be doing ? Being friends and nurture when she'll allow, let her come to me to talk? No contact at all? I'm lost and want her back, I've told her I want marriage and she's is all I think about

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Tue, 07-31-2012 - 1:39pm

If you want her back -- dont play games , dont go from calling to no contact . If you want her back , tell it straight and both of you need to work on your issues otherwise they will keep coming back and ruin what you make.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Tue, 07-31-2012 - 2:00pm
Time and space means ' not smothering ' , in this case.Else she wouldnt be acknowledging you at all. You dont ask her .You do it and then see how she responds.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Tue, 07-31-2012 - 3:53pm

How can you have a healthy, constructive talk when both of you have problems communicating?

I think you should try counseling or therapy ALONE before making a decision on your relationship.  There is a "statue of limitation" on how long one can attribute his issues to his parent(s).  When you are 5 years old and have issues, it is entirely your parents' fault.  When you are 46 years old, you should have already worked out the issues, either alone or with the help of a professional.

Until you get yourself "whole" again, it is unlikely that you can have a happy, balanced relationship, with her or anyone else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Tue, 07-31-2012 - 6:26pm

I honestly don't know.  Perhaps you could ask your counselor that question?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Tue, 07-31-2012 - 6:40pm

well if you see her as a friend would that hurt you or would you want to get close again?
I think the best thing is not seeing each other for awhile until both of your issues are addressed.. Its good that you both are in counseling..

Maybe you two can talk and go to lunch once in awhile.. I am just throwing out suggestions as not to totally break up.

Just keep things light is what I am saying.. No heavy dating or sex or anything until you can clear issues up.

Maybe create some boundaries if possible like no seeing or dating other people while you two are healing...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Wed, 08-01-2012 - 9:14pm

TW, it's all well and good to give her space - but don't let this go on for too long.  She's currently got you wrapped around her little finger and you're letting her.   And from this woman's perspective, it's not something which is particularly attractive.

I recall when I broke up with my ex husband:  He was all sad and wanting me back and trying to keep communication lines open.  He seemed so pathetic that I lost any remaining respect that I had for him.  If there was anything which would have changed my mind, it would have been seeing him kick his *ss into gear and start doing something with his life.

I suggest you tell her that she wants space, so you will give it.   Tell her that she can call you if and when she's ready, but you will not be waiting around for her, nor will you be calling her.    A 'man' is more attractive than a 'mouse'.     And if she never does call you, it simply shows that she wasn't into you after all.   And you will know that you didn't waste time waiting for her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 2:56am

I do know how you feel.   I remember being 15yo and being told that if I played hard to get, the boys would want me.  But I was worried that if I did that, they would lose interest in me.   30 years later, I believe the answer lays somewhere in the middle.  Don't play games but don't lay at their feet with big puppy dog eyes waiting for snippets of attention.   Be your own person and live your own life - and this is what makes you attractive.

In your case, this means letting her know that you DO care, you will give her space but you won't be waiting for her.   This shows respect for her - and respect for yourself.   Like I said, she won't find the sad, patiently waiting you very attractive anyway.

I am worried that you're taking on too much blame for her being hurt.   Does she acknowledge her part in all of this?   I certainly hope she's not playing victim!

As far as deciding how long to wait - well, didn't you say that she's off on a spiritual journey?  There's no saying how long that will take.  And the point of the journey is to re-visit our attitudes and reconsider how we face life.   You may not even be attracted to her if she changes substantially.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 7:25pm

TW, you've mentioned the comment about her cluttered house a couple of times.  Were you being obnoxious and insulting and telling her that she lives in a filthy pig sty?   If not, I would suggest that if your comment makes her question the relationship, then the relationship has very poor foundations.   I imagine you could sometimes feel that you are walking on eggshells to protect her fragility.

Frankly, her fragility seems so extreme that I doubt any man would be a good fit for her.   This again, is why you need to stop blaming yourself.   She's simply not in a place to have a good relationship.   And even with continual counselling, she may NEVER be able to have a good relationship.   

Please don't concentrate too much on WHY she is like she is. Yes, her family history will have some bearing - but she needs to let go of that and work towards the future.   Anyone who still blames their parents for their current state is living in the past and not taking responsibility for their own future.   The only important thing for you is that she IS like she is and whether or not you are OK with walking on eggshells.

My advice to tell her that you won't be waiting around for her still stands.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Fri, 08-03-2012 - 12:48am

I'm nearing my bedtime but just a quick word.

If she is being receptive , keep it going. Just because you are ready , doesnt mean she is 100% ready as well. Seems she is putting an effort , just a bit slower than you would want her to be. Of course she doesnt want to go through the hurt over and over again. Be gentle and remember not to push away any steps she is taking towards you because of your frustration that she is being too slow.

Old , bad memories need to replaced with new ones . Revisit what was good and not that was bad. If she is fragile, handle with care :smileyhappy: . If she is a loving woman whom you hurt , its going to come back and bite you . I would suggest to do it w/o expecting anything in return as I figure, she has done so much in the past that she is protecting herself to put coins in your basket so quickly.

Take it slow, lovingly, with clean heart , I promise she will see it through

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Fri, 08-03-2012 - 3:25am

Yes, Cherry and I are offering two very different opinions on the direction to take.   You must do what feels right for you.  

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