help husband thinks i am cheating!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2004
help husband thinks i am cheating!!!
7
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 12:11pm
Many of you probably know my long story about husbands infidelity, (dont wanna get into that). We have been married 3 years. 6months into our marraige I got pregnant and stopped paying attention to my appearance. Now after 2 years I started to change. My husband started to accuse me of cheating. I can see how he might think that, if I reflect upon myself I do show many signs of cheating. (but I am not). I got my hair done, I wear makeup now, I am back to my prepregnancy weight (lost more actually). bought new clothes and am distancing myself from him (only because he got caught cheating many times and I feel the distance). I am doing many things, like focusing more on my appearance and such to keep the marraige alive. to look good so that hopefully that'll keep him from straying again. now enough background unto my problem. Last night when we were doing the deed I tried something new. (again to spice things up). After we were done he got really quiet and asked my where I learned that. I told him I didn't learn I was just trying different things (my husband is not really into kinky things). He said if you start to try different things where am I supposed to think you learned it from. and started to accuse me of sleeping around, saying the things I did are not things you "do with your wife". whatever that means. what do I do. he does know that our libidos do not match. he is more of the missionary, one position type of guy while I am more into experimenting and such. he won't even talk to me now and is upset. what do I do? I am so confused. please help
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 4:50pm

He thinks you're cheating because he is a cheater and it's what he expects. Just like liars will think that everyone lies.

What is he upset about? Why does he think that your marriage is so special that no cheating can occur? Or is it that it's okay for him to cheat but you CAN'T cheat on him?

I understand wanting to preserve a marriage. I don't know if you've mentioned before, and I will look, but how many times and over how many years has he cheated? And how did you find out?

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 5:51pm

Yep, I agree. He thinks you are cheating because he's a cheater.

While I wait for cl-2nd life to post links to your old posts (I'd like to refresh myself on your history), I've got a big question for you: He cheats and he doesn't trust you. Why do you stay?

That aside, I just wanted to warn you that making yourself attractive will not stop him from cheating. A perpetual cheater would cheat on Elle McPherson. It's not about how attractive the wife is - rather, it's about the ego hit the cheater gets when someone else finds them attractive.

Don't stop looking after yourself - it's a great way of making YOU feel good. However, don't expect it to keep your husband from straying.




Edited 4/26/2006 5:55 pm ET by iv_aisha2004
Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 9:07pm

Haerim, I'm confused too, but probably not the same things you're confused about! I'm hoping you can help me out:

  • I don't know your story, did you post it on another board or here under a different name? Where can we find it?
  • You said you're distancing yourself because of all his cheating, but then say you're doing all these things to yourself to try to improve the marriage. How can you be trying to improve the marriage while distancing?
  • If he knows you're more into experimenting and such, this is surely not the first time you've introduced something new in, why was he so surprised? Have you told him recently that you're interested in trying some different things during sex?
  • You said he's had several affairs, and since you say you're distancing as a result, but don't say what you've done to resolve the damage the affairs have done to your relationship. What have you done to work on repairing it? Have you been through counseling?


    Once I know more I'll be able to answer your post. Thanks!







  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    when you don't get what you want."

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 02-11-2004
    Thu, 04-27-2006 - 12:11pm
    heres a couple of answers. I have been posting on the betrayed spouses board. Thought I's post here for more info. sorry. I feel myself distancing myself inside i guess. I am not as attached to him (wanting to go everywhere he goes , asking him to spend time with me etc. we have not gone to counseling to help us. I have just come to terms that he may cheat therefore not hounding him about his whereabouts 24-7. hmm what else was there...he does know that we are different in bed but I have never introduced new things until now. before we were married we had a great time in bed. it just all changed after we got married. and more so after I had my son. Throughout pregnancy we did it maybe twice because he was scared of hurting the baby and didn't do it again until 7 months after the birth of my son. I caught him cheating by looking at phone bills, found lipstick on his shirt etc. did I answer everything. thanks all for the support
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 02-15-2005
    Thu, 04-27-2006 - 12:48pm

    I was struck by this sentence "I have just come to terms that he may cheat ".

    Photobucket
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-25-2003
    Thu, 04-27-2006 - 4:26pm

    You are more than welcome to post here.

    <>

    Why is it okay for you that he cheats? And I hope you use every protection out there then.

    This statement just FLOORS me.

    Jen

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Fri, 04-28-2006 - 2:31am

    Thanks for your answers, Haerim0328, it helps a lot.


    It's understandable that you'd have distanced yourself from him, you've been badly hurt and distance is something you automatically do to keep yourself from being hurt again. Or at least keep you from being hurt so much.


    I agree with the others who have answered. It sounds like you've resigned yourself to stay with a man who cheats, and in doing that, you're destroying your self esteem and self worth. It also tells me nothing is resolved and you are not at all sure that he will not cheat again. I may be wrong, but I read you to say you expect he is now continuing or will continue to cheat. You can't rebuild a marriage when that's the case. You can't repair damage done without a partner who admits and recognizes his mistakes and does the work necessary to repair that damage. I don't hear that this is happening with you. What I hear is that he's continuing to do what he does and you're looking the other way. That's not a relationship and you can't build anything on that kind of premise. You'll grow farther apart and more and more unhappy in the situation. Without trust in a relationship you have nothing, and you don't have trust.


    I'm sorry for what you're going through. It has to be incredibly difficult, hurtful and confusing. I'm sure all you want is for things to be what they were, but you can't get there by yourself, and it doesn't sound like he's willing to help you. I would really urge you to see a therapist to help you with this. If he won't go I really urge you to go on your own. Even if it doesn't seem possible, it will help you a great deal.







    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    when you don't get what you want."

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"