help i need to get ova it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2005
help i need to get ova it!
2
Sat, 02-18-2006 - 2:34am
hello ive been with my boyfriend for 1 yr and half, in oct he move to north carolina with his friend and i stayed in new york due to school, when he came on thanksgiving i found out he was talking to another girl out there but she lived in a different town an hour ago. i found this out and i confronted him about it and he looked very upset, i spoke to her and she told me how they met in a club and how she only seen him twice and when i asked him he said the same, we didnt spend much time (3 days in new york) and then he went back to north carolina,one week later he then change his number and since that day he hasnt spoken to her trust me i check his cell phone statement exc, then around christmas time he moved back to new york. i just cant forget about that and what happen ...he didnt physically cheated on me he swear to me that but i just cant seem to past what happen last week i ask him if the girl would have push up against it would he have cheated on me and he said maybe, we broke up how is he gonna tell me that!! he called me the next morning which was valentines day and he said he was sorry and that the only reason he was thinking that was because he was outta stae with his friends and he didnt want his friends to look at him like a dummie..what should i do we love eachother dearly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! we are making plans to live together how do i forget this and what happen!!!!!!!!!!!! just put it pass me! its not important at all! hes in new york with me!!...please help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-19-2006 - 12:33pm

Fly, I don't think I'm going to tell you anything you're going to like, but it's the way it is.


My first thought in reading your post was that you were way out of line getting upset that he'd talked to some girl twice, whether he was in another state or living next door to you. Roughly half the world population is the opposite sex and there's going to be some communication at some points and some friendships at others. If you're adamant about not having contact with members of the opposite sex you're in for a difficult and frustrating life as it's going to be pretty hard for anyone to succeed in living that way. If you're adamant about not having friendships with members of the opposite sex, then you're with the wrong guy because clearly he doesn't share your belief. Since he doesn't share your belief (evident because he had contact with this girl) you have to know that you can't "make" him live by your rules, nor will he, even if he says he will -- it's pretty difficult to live according to someone else's rules when you don't agree with them; you live by your beliefs and he lives by his. What you need is a guy who shares your beliefs; it's one of basics of having a good relationship.


So -- how do you get over this? There's no magic trick, it'll take some time and it'll take you being strong enough to face the facts and secure enough in yourself to accept those facts. Here's the facts: He was very honest with you in telling you that he probably would have moved forward with this girl if she's pushed it. That says his feelings for you are not strong and he's not that tied into a relationship with you. He may have said that it would have been because of the distance between the two of you, but if he felt strongly about you the distance wouldn't make a difference. You say "we love each other dearly", but it's clear that the level of feelings you have for each other isn't equal. You "get over" this by recognizing the reality of your relationship, that his feelings are not that strong, and you proceed in the knowledge that it's more casual than you'd thought it was. That means opening yourself up to the reality that it isn't likely to last. You and your boyfriend have been together for a year, if in that time he hasn't formed strong enough feelings to feel strongly about remaining faithful, it isn't going to happen. You deserve to be with someone who shares the strong feelings you have for them, you can't have enough feelings for both of you, you know? You need your feelings to be returned. So, if you want to continue in the relationship, go ahead, but do so knowing that, he's just not that into you. Moving forward with that knowledge will hurt for a while, for sure, but accepting that reality will make for a lot less hurt in the end, to say the least.


You might also want to think about how you're operating in this relationship and consider control issues that are present. Resolving those issues will help you have healthier, equal and balanced relationships in the future. You said his meetings with this girl is not important at all because he's in New York with you. Truthfully, it doesn't matter where he is, and to say it doesn't matter because he's close sounds like it doesn't matter because when he's with you in NY the leash is firmly around his neck; you can check him constantly and make sure he's being faithful. Come on, do you really want a relationship like that? That's not love and that's not a relationship, that's an arrangement in which you have to watch him every second to make sure he remains faithful. If you say a leash is not involved, that it's because he's close to you and won't be tempted to see anyone else, it still speaks of lack of feelings, he's with you and faithful because it's easy, when it gets harder (he lives farther away) he'll stray again. And again, that's no relationship, it's a matter of convenience. I'd also say a leash is very much involved as you immediately called the girl to find out what's going on and check your boyfriend's phone bill for calls from her. That's control. Something to think about.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Sun, 02-19-2006 - 10:36pm

invading his privacy isn't going to help you get 'ova' anything.

You have placed greater importance and significance on your relationship with him than it would appear from your post that he has. Because you sense this, you invade his privacy to make sure he's behaving according to your dictates. You confront this girl, who has every right to talk to your boyfriend if she wants and he wants, when she is not the one who is in a relationship with you--he is and that's where you should be directing your inquiries... it's childish and unrealistic to think that as an adult, you can tell a grown man who he can and can't talk to...

While *you* may love him dearly, I don't sense that from what you've posted that the feeling is completely mutual, no matter how loudly you may protest to the contrary--the evidence is just not there to support that conclusion. And I hate to tell you this, but him being in NY--a city of over 7 million people, 50% of which are female, means nothing in terms of not straying--a man will stray if he is of the mind to stray and nothing can stop that. Don't fool yourself into thinking otherwise.