HELP! Lazy Husband (or Self-Centered)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2006
HELP! Lazy Husband (or Self-Centered)
15
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 12:41pm
I need help. I need an action plan to get my husband to be more responsible around the house and get him away from hours on the computer. He has a great job that doesn't require a whole lot of work and gets to travel to great places, usually spending a day or two at these places just sightseeing. When he comes home he spends all of his time on the computer or with his hobbies. I have tried everything, from pointing out how it will end up costing us more money if he doesn't maintain things around the house to arguing and getting really angry. Our home is important to me, it gives me security. I try to take good care of it and since I work part-time, I have time to do that. Please help me because I am close to the end and it is causing me alot of heartache and anger. We will never have a great marriage because of this issue and my anger. Things I have asked him to do go years before they are done. If I have a special request, something that would make me happy that I want done, it still doesn't matter. I feel he is neglectful or not only our home but me. I have tried getting out of the house when he is home because I can't handle my anger but I like being at home. I need an action plan and please someone give me some ideas!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 1:31pm

You did a good job communicating your perspective, let me try on him for you and see if this adds any insight.

Here is his life: things are going pretty well....he has a nice family, he is providing for them, enjoying his work content and pace, and finding time for hobbies. His only issue is when he is home his wife always seems angry and resentful (he isn't even bothering telling her anymore about his sightseeing travels cause she just seems to get angry and then ask him to do some chore, she used to be excited to listen to this stuff). The more she complains, the more time he spends travelling, on the computer, or doing his hobbies. The environmnet is so negative he just can't get motivated to spend the time and energy with her around the house. He is bored with her negativity and constant nagging. No matter what he tries to do it seems she is not happy with it and it is never enough. He works hard for his family and he knows she does too, but he really feels unappreciated and is starting to feel unloved.

Any of this seem to ring true?

I suggest, when you are both in a calm mood, that you make a list of the MAIN things that need to get done and allocate the items between yourself....you can call it your household chore "draft" ....if he is a sports fan he might even think that is a cool way to think of it. Take turns picking items you want. Keep in mind here that the goal here is not to make the lists equal, or for you both to get into an argument about who is doing more, or for you to hold over his head all that you do, but rather to simply allocate responsibility --- stay focused on the goal. You can start the dialogue by reminding him about how much you love him and how lucky you and the kids are to have him. Then let him know you are overwhelmed and you don't want to be an angry nagging wife and could he please help you out by agreeing to take on the responsibility for some additional household chores. You may have already said this....the difference is that now there is going to be a specific list that he is commiting too, not just a general agreement to help more (which is subject to interpretation).

Once you have agreed, then you focus on the things on your list and DO NOT do or comment on anything on his list. If he has "take out the trash" and you have to have bags of smelly trash all over your house resist the urge. When you notice he does something big on the list that he was not doing before give him some praise and affection. Lastly try to take a deep breath and when he does some task not up to your standards --- is getting this to your standards worth losing you husband for, or can you appreciate that he is making the effort and live with it the way it is (or in the timeframe he chooses)?

Chances are, if he is still tuned into this family, he wants to he a hero to his family and make a nice life for his wife and kids and would do almost anything for them.....however, if the home environment is full of negativity, anger, disapproval, and being talked to/ordered around like he is some sort of a child then he will rebel and withdraw and eventually find an environment where he is loved, appreciated and accepted for who is is.

Lastly I suggest that you proactively organize some time for the two of you away from the household and chores where you can relax and enjoy each other's company. More than just a dinner date....maybe long weekend in B&B or short cruise....something you would both enjoy and where you can connect again as a couple.

Hope this helped from the guys perspective, best of luck, P.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 3:16pm
Which is more important to you--that these things get done, or that your husband do them? If the important thing is to get things done, then hire someone to do them, or hire someone to do YOUR chores so YOU can do them. If he is unhappy about the expense, explain that you are spending money so he will be able to enjoy his free time. If it works, consider hiring out some of your tasks so you'll have more free time, too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 4:17pm

ITA with Geo. It's what I was going to suggest. You want something done? Tell your H that you'd really like the walls painted. And on such and such a date, you will hire a painter. Then, hire a painter.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 9:37pm

Mollyrosemom, I get the feeling that you're talking more about the physical kinds of maintenance things than doing chores around the house, but I may be wrong. I do think that since you work part time, he should be responsible for some of the chores, but if that's not important to you, then that's all that matters. I agree with Orangecuse that he shouldn't be responsible for half the chores, he works full time, you work part time, so your chore load would be bigger. I also agree with Orangecuse's suggestion on how to get his help and I am 100% behind once the chore has been agreed on and has been designated "his", you aren't allowed to touch it or mention it. It's important to proceed as though you have every expectation that he will do what he agreed to do, no matter how long it takes. If this undone chore causes problems for you; say it's his job to do the laundry, he hasn't done it and you need clothes for work, just do only what you need to get by for the day, no extra and nothing of his or anyone else's. If he comments just tell him that you didn't want to interfere with his chore, but needed a few things so you took care of them. When he runs out of clean clothes, he'll be motivated to get it done. Same with most any chore you can come up with, eventually it will be a problem for him and he'll be motivated to do it. Biting the bullet and letting him take care of it will resolve the problem, "giving up" and doing it for him will assure that he'll never do a chore because you'll have taught him that if he waits long enough you'll do it for him. It's also very important to praise him for what he did, no re-doing it yourself either. His chore is done his way to his specifications, re-doing it will tell him it's not good enough; so, why would he make the effort again?


I also agree with Geo. If it's an option, hiring someone to come in once a week or so to take care of the chores, hiring a handyman to take care of the maintenance issues you want kept up is a lot easier on you, your husband and your marriage than battling it out and being angry, frustrated and resentful.


What do you think?







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown



Edited 8/2/2006 9:39 pm ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 11:28pm

Yep, this is exactly what I did with my DH recently. I've been wanting a small tree (large weed!) lopped. I've mentioned this on and off over the last couple of years, but nothing.

Anyway, it's currently winter here and because the leaves have fallen, it was perfect timing. I told him that I'm waiting till August and if it's not down by then, I'll be calling a tree lopper before the leaves grow again.

He cut it down a few weeks ago.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2006
Fri, 08-04-2006 - 2:08pm
Thanks to those who answered my message. Wow, I sure was ganged up on. First of all, I do not nag and my anger does not show that often but it eats me up inside. So basically, I'm supposed to appreciate my husband even though he pretty much does whatever he wants without much regard to our partnership. The ideas I received were to split the chores or to hire someone to do the chores. Well, neither one will work and here's why. To make a list and split the chores is childish. We should be adult enough to do what needs to be done and what is within our capabilities and knowledge levels. For example, I can't do anything with plumbing, my husband has that knowledge. I know how to sew, my husband does not. Show me a couple who has split the chores with a list and this method has succeeded. Baloney! The second idea, to pay someone, you have got to be kidding!!!!! Do you have any idea what it costs to just have a handyman do something, much less a plumber, electrician, etc. We aren't rich. Maybe I didn't come across correctly but my dilemma is about commitment really - committed to do things for someone else whether you think they need to be done, or whether they are important to you, or whether you think it's a pain in the you know what. It's about give and take. If anyone out there thinks 3-4 hours or more a day sitting in front of a computer is ok, then you must be a real joy to live with. If anyone thinks a wife or husband should like it if their partner spends most of their free time enjoying their own individual hobbies, then you either are not married or don't like your spouse very much. Anyway, thanks but no thanks for the help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2005
Fri, 08-04-2006 - 2:16pm

Coming in late to this, but boy are you off base.

No one accused you of nagging, it was suggested as a possibility, but you were specifically asked if this was possibly the case. In otherwords, you were given every opportunity to clear it up.

You were asked what specific chores/jobs you were talking about, but again, you chose not to clear that up.

You might have received better, more specific answers that fit your situation if you'd taken the time to give those who answered the information needed.

You sound really angry, it's not helping here, and I doubt it's helping at home either.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 08-04-2006 - 3:00pm

You can't make your H do something, you can't make him want to do it, you can't get him to think that something is important and it should be done. There is NOTHING you can do to accomplish that.

YOU can make other arrangements to get those specific things done.

If that doesn't work for you, if you were wanting advice on how to wake your H up or whatever, here it is, you can't. You can live with it or you can live without him. Those are the other two options you have.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Fri, 08-04-2006 - 4:52pm

Hi, Mollyrosemom!

I think your feelings are very sensitive right now because of your frustrations with your husband. You want him to WANT TO do things around the house; you want him to WANT TO spend quality time with his family, and you wanted us to be able to tell you how to get him to do the things you want.

The problem is, although the things you want are reasonable, appropriate, and part of a good marriage, there is no way one person can make another person want to do them. Your husband doesn't want to do these things. He doesn't even want to do them for you, the woman he supposedly loves and wishes to be with for the rest of his life. I am sorry to have to tell you that there is no way in the world any of us can tell you how to make him want the same things you want.

We offered suggestions like "divide the chores" in hopes that your husband was a man of good will who would realize that he's not pulling his weight, and would agree to pitch in (by the way, unless your husband is a neatnik, it is very unlikely that he will ever notice most of the things you regard as essential to a well-run household, so he's not going to do these things unless you point them out); we told you to hire the work done because we thought there was a possibility that you wanted the work done, period, and you didn't care who did it. Obviously, neither of these is the case.

Since our suggestions will not work for you, you have only two options that I can see: accept in your heart that things are always going to be this way, but it's worth it to you to stay with this man; or start making plans to end the marriage. Since he doesn't seem to be motivated to do things differently, then this is the way he's going to be for the rest of your lives together.

Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-04-2006 - 5:05pm

Speaking up from the childish corner - DH and I do have a list and we do split the household chores. We don't make a weekly list with checkboxes or anything, but we have divided the household chores. I am responsible for the kitchen, bathrooms, laundry, and backyard. DH is responsible for the dusting, vacuuming, general straightening, garbage, folding his clothes. We share the cooking and the grocery shopping. This has been working for us for about 5 years now. It may be childish, but we rarely have any issues about housework and I would rather be childish than angry and fighting over housework ;)

You said that "We should be adult enough to do what needs to be done and what is within our capabilities and knowledge levels."

Maybe you both SHOULD be, but apparently your husband isn't. For whatever reason, he is not doing as much as you want him to. If you want to solve the issue, then you have got to get away from the "shoulds" and focus on what "is".

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