HELP! Lazy Husband (or Self-Centered)
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HELP! Lazy Husband (or Self-Centered)
| Wed, 08-02-2006 - 12:41pm |
I need help. I need an action plan to get my husband to be more responsible around the house and get him away from hours on the computer. He has a great job that doesn't require a whole lot of work and gets to travel to great places, usually spending a day or two at these places just sightseeing. When he comes home he spends all of his time on the computer or with his hobbies. I have tried everything, from pointing out how it will end up costing us more money if he doesn't maintain things around the house to arguing and getting really angry. Our home is important to me, it gives me security. I try to take good care of it and since I work part-time, I have time to do that. Please help me because I am close to the end and it is causing me alot of heartache and anger. We will never have a great marriage because of this issue and my anger. Things I have asked him to do go years before they are done. If I have a special request, something that would make me happy that I want done, it still doesn't matter. I feel he is neglectful or not only our home but me. I have tried getting out of the house when he is home because I can't handle my anger but I like being at home. I need an action plan and please someone give me some ideas!!!

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You can view it as ganged up on OR that all the advice you got was consistent but not what you wanted or expected to hear. Perspective and attitude are choices.
Childish????? What is childish about sitting down and making a plan, setting clear expectations so the basics of the house run smoothly. I don't think this is childish at all, makes it sound more like a partnership and sure it would be great if you could skip the list part but since it is not working and you are not reading each others mind and at least on party is very unhappy.....it might be worth a try....but if you want to dismiss it as childish that is your choice....perspective and attitide are choices.
So what you are saying is that the advice you have been given is not good enough...."thanks but no thanks." Hmmmm now we are getting an idea what you DH is up against with the "never good enough.".....perspective and attitude are choices.
Since giving you his perspective does not seem to have helped....at least understand this....he is choosing to be on the computer for 3-4 hours a day, not cause he is particularly entertained by the computer, but because he is HIDING from YOU. That is not OK with me or probably anyone on this board, but rather than be right and divorced, maybe you should consider WHY this is the case and think about what YOU might do to help the situation. Doesn't excuse his behavior, but you can't control his behavior, only yours.
You can hire a maid to come in every other week for not too much and have them do the heavy lifting on the cleaning like showers, toilets, floors, vacuuming etc.....I do this as a single Dad cause I don't like to do these activities and spending the time I don't do this with my kids is worth every penny to me. You are not rich....can you find $50 every other week for this luxury???? If it made you less resentful toward your husband and improved your marriage would it be worth $50 every other week.....is there something else more important to spend your money on than improving your marriage and your happiness???? In any event it is a lot less than the therapist is gonna cost. And if you really want to talk abou expensive wait till you get to the parade of "professionals" who entire mission is to seperate you from your money (thousands of dollars) during the divorce process.
Sorry we all failed you and on behalf of your husband sorry he failed you too. I am sure your next husband will live up to your standards. Try not to feel too resentful when the soon to be X is with the new wife and seems to have gotten over his computer addiction and is doing stuff for her he never did for you.
P.
Needless to say, I dealt with it for almost 20yrs before I had enough. It got to the point that I even resented the fact that he was invading my space. My home. So, at that point, I decided to call it quits. Time to start over & move on. The resentment was to big on my part to do anything else with. I have moved on. Met a wonderful man, who I love dearly. He too, has his faults, but then who doesnt.
The divorce was something that was good for me. It was good for my son. Now, the x is required to spend some time with his son, & they now have a relationship. Not the best of one, but one just the same. Dad seems to think hes a buddy, not a dad, but its a start.
I'm not saying that this is the answer, but what I am saying is that I can sympathize with you. Its a tough place to be. In my case, divorce was the answer.
I hope things get better for you. Try not to let the resentment build as much as I did. If I would have had a place like this to come for support, to realize that I was not alone in this, then maybe I could have alleviated some of the tension. But, honestly, I dont think that my marriage had a good enough base to have made much difference. I tried, & it didnt work.
Hope this helps. Just knowing your not the only who is or has been going thru this.
>>>If anyone out there thinks 3-4 hours or more a day sitting in front of a computer is ok<<<
I agree with the others, but I was just wondering, do you know what he's doing on the computer all this time?
You may believe that we should be adult enough to do what needs to be done and what is within our capabilities and knowledge levels, but please remember, no one is a mind reader and if you don't ask you have zero chance of getting what you want. It's far better to verbalize what you want and expect than to fume and have your anger grow because he's not doing what you want -- even though you haven't told him. How dare he not read your mind! It may be obvious to you, it may not be to him Have you ever considered that he may have his own list of things he's like you to do, or do differently as well? It's likely you have just as little clue what he wants from you as long as he doesn't tell you. I'll also tell you that housework problems are one of the top problems in relationships. You may think it's ridiculous that they aren't just done, but you're far from the only one with the problem. I don't know of any aspect in life that involves another person, business or personal, where things run smoothly without communication, even when it seems obvious what should be done.
It's very easy for relationships to slide into slumps and ruts, like hours on computers instead of time in your relationship. It's possible that you play a part in his computer habit, but here again, unless the problem is verbalized, there's about a zero chance that it'll be resolved. Unless realization, verbalization and action are taken, your relationship will likely continue to slide down the rut it's in until no one cares enough to try to bring it back. If I were you (and I'm not) I'd see these issues you bring here as a wake up call to take action, not reason to be disgusted that he's not doing differently. Relationships are not about one vs. the other, they're about a pair, a team; if one sees problems the other doesn't it's up to that partner to raise awareness and voice concerns. You have to be proactive in your relationship if you want it to be successful. I can't tell you how many times I've sat down with my husband and verbalized some issue that I saw as a problem between us; whether it was time together or the way arguments were handled. If I hadn't brought up those issues for discussion, nothing would have gotten better, but I can guarantee you they would have gotten worse. Look at it this way, if you do everything you can to make him aware of what you feel should be perfectly obvious, if you do everything in your power to resolve the problem, then you can walk away knowing you did everything you could to make it right.
In light of your specific problems, I'd suggest the following articles:
The Lie About Trying HarderHow to Keep Your Relationship Strong
Do You Give More Than You Get?
Here are several articles on conflict resolution that might help in any discussion you might decide to have with your husband. These are therapist approved:
Ten Rules For Fair FightingVerbal Fencing With Someone You Love
Dos and Don'ts For Fair Fighting
Conflicts - Points to Remember
Best of luck Molly.
face="Papyrus" color="saddlebrown" size="">-->Best of luck Molly.
>-->
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
Edited 8/7/2006 2:55 am ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
; )
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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