HELP-Looking for advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
HELP-Looking for advice
1
Wed, 03-15-2006 - 11:15am


I am having some problems within myself and they are causing me problems with my relationship with my boyfriend.

Me and him have been dating since September. A little over 6 months. We currently live together. We spend a lot of our time together whether its at home or going and doing something. Up until 2 weeks ago we also worked together (well sort of-we work for a manufacturing plant-he’s part of the union employees out on the floor and I work in the office so we didn’t work directly with one another but we work for the same company) and he recently got laid off. So now he pretty much sits around the house (granted he’s doing some house work). He doesn’t have to do a job search because he is eligible for recall to where we work. Anyway, since he went on layoff I am finding that little things bother me a lot more than before. Like for instance-we happen to live with one of my friends. Her and I have been living together for a little more than 3 years so it was long before My B/F moved in. We'll since he’s now at home all day, and she is at home-for the most part(she doesn’t go into work till 4pm-so she is spending a lot of time with my boyfriend at home), I am starting to feel nervous about that. I have thoughts he might cheat on me with her or that they are spending a little too much time together and things like that. He has told me he has no interest in her, that she isn’t his type, that he really can’t stand her-thinks she weird and says she even acts like she is more into women than men. I will admit she is weird at times, but I can’t shake the thoughts I have, and its not that I don’t trust him, I think its more that I don’t trust her. And I have been burned in the past by her before by her spending too much time with my boyfriend when I wasn’t around (me and him ended up breaking up-and a few months later they were still hanging out and talking-but she lied to me about that and said she didn’t like him for him dumping me) So that’s where my problems are coming from there. I have also talked to my current B/F about this and he has said not too worry because he doesn’t like her-he says he doesn’t even talk to her when she’s around.

There are other things that bother me. Other things are the fact that he sits around all day and plays this stupid video game. From the time I leave for work @ 6am till we go to bed he plays this dumb game. So for 15-16 hours a day he will sit in front of this game. Of course when I call him to talk-he’s too busy because he’s playing the game (umm hello can’t he take a break to talk to me for a few minutes) or when I get home, that’s all he does is play that thing. He ignores me and doesn’t say much to me when I am in the living room watching him play, he doesn’t talk to me, doesn’t ask if I can play too (although he'll ask my room mate to play-but he says its because its her game-and doesn’t ask me because he thinks I don’t want to play) And he’s been acting like this for the last 4 days. I haven’t really done much with him. So I confronted him on it and said that I feel like I am being ignored, told him that he is spending more time playing a fictional game then spending time with me. The last 4 nights he’s said that he'll turn the game off in a half hour (and he’ll say this at 6:30pm) but its usually 8:30 when he shuts the game off, and by then he doesn’t want to do anything because he’s tired from sitting there all day so he comes up stairs says he's tired and gets ready for bed and usually falls asleep. I am so frustrated but that-honestly how would he feel if I acted that way. I can guarantee he wouldn’t let it happen for real long and he would be asking me what was up and why am I not spending more time with him and doing things with him. I just think It would be really nice to be able to talk to him about my day about all the crap that is driving me up a wall, to have dinner with him or just cuddle watch some TV and go to bed, but it doesn’t happen. (One thing I would really like to talk to him about is our financial situation-since he’s laid off out income has dropped quite a bit-and we unfortunately have some med bills to pay-but those are from a personal situation that I am also having a very hard time dealing with)

And of course when I say anything to him about this, he tells me I am being uptight and blowing things out of proportion. But I think he should try to see that everyday for the last 6 months me and him have spent a lot of our time together, either playing games, doing things we like to do together, going to the movies, making dinner together, whatever it was we did it together, and now all of a sudden he isn’t doing anything with me. I had to practically beg him to go with me to my moms for dinner last night and as soon as we got home from there he turned the X-box on again. I don’t think I am asking too much from him, to turn the stupid thing off at maybe 4 pm when I get home from work and spend sometime doing things with each other. I mean does he really need to play for 16 hours. Isn’t 6am to 4pm enough? Am I being selfish in asking for some time alone with him?

Now I know I may be blowing pieces of this out of proportion a little bit. But in my past relationships, I have been cheated on (and hurt badly by it). So I have a hard time (even when the person I am dating hasn’t done anything wrong or given me any reason to believe he’s cheated) putting ALL of my trust in them, I know I carry a lot of hurt feelings around and I know I should just let go and move on, but its hard for me to just let go and open up. I am so scared to get hurt again, because I know that my heart can’t take much more disappointment. I have had ex.’s neglect me by not spending anytime with me, but spending any free time with others (esp. other women) So, yeah I may get a bit uptight. It’s just that for me this is the first relationship where I feel I have let a lot of my guard down and let him in. I've told him things about me I don’t share with many people, he possess so many qualities that I find attractive in a man, that I appreciate in a man, he treats me really good, we hardly fight (until recently-mainly because of the above situations I described) we’ve talk out all our differences we’ve had, all our problems, and for me this is the first real healthy relationship I have been in (where there is not physical abuse, mentally draining abuse)

These last few days have just been out of the norm of what our relationship started out like. I guess I am looking for ways to be ease myself and to ease my mind about some things, to give myself piece of mind not to worry about all these things. I get so stressed that I have a hard time functioning at work and that is crappy because right now I am doing 3 jobs at work because a girl is out on maternity leave. So I am working a lot of overtime try to keep up and that’s making me tired and just crabby. I just want to be able to see/understand that I know he isn’t cheating on me, to know that just because he is putting time into another interest it doesn’t mean he loves me any less(I mean I do know this-but its so hard for me to get that through to my overactive imagination and mind), or doesn’t still want to be with me. I know I can’t spend every waking moment with him, but it would be nice to have more than 5 minutes a day with him. If anyone has any advice that may help me in my confusing situation, I am definitely open to it. I just can’t shake some of the crappy feelings I am having about all this.

Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read and respond to me message, if there is anyone who doesn’t feel they want to post their reply here, I will leave my email address.

Jennifer
jbarkow@norcorp.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 2:10am

Welcome to the board, Jennifer ~


It sounds like you've got a lot of stressors going on right now.


I'm sure you already know there are no easy answers to your problems, and one of the biggest roadblocks is that you can only control what you do, you can't control what he does. I'm not so sure you're going to like much of what I have to say, but I'll give it a try anyway.....


Financial Problems I know I'm making assumptions, but it sounds like the lay off caused some strains for you financially; I'm guessing that he's not able to pay his fair share and as a result you're having to pay more towards your "regular" bills; because of this you're not able to pay your medical bills as much as you need to. I understand that he doesn't have to look for work because he's on call-back status, but why isn't he looking for work anyway? If he's not able to pay his share, it would seem that he would feel an urgency to make enough money to pay his own way. It would seem that he'd feel obligated to do that. Having your girlfriend support you isn't something that should feel acceptable to him at all.


Problems/Concerns With Your Friend/Roommate Why would you choose to live with someone that you felt undermined your previous relationship? Boyfriend or no boyfriend, why would you live with someone you don't trust? And why would you move your boyfriend into an arrangement that includes this "friend"? You already don't trust her, to bring your boyfriend into the picture assures that you'll be uneasy and concerned. You've been there before, you know what she's capable of. That being said, I have to comment on your statement, "its not that I don’t trust him, I think its more that I don’t trust her.". If you trust him completely, it doesn't matter what she does, the fact is you aren't as trusting of him as you'd like to be. More to the point, you've been cheated on in the past and you know you're carrying trust issues and other baggage along from that into your current relationship. You recognize the struggle your past causes you to have. You also indicate that not only do you have a history of being cheated on, but you also have a history of both physical and emotional abuse. That's a lot of dysfunctional history and it leaves you not only with a lot of baggage and issues, but it also says you're at a very high risk to continue to have dysfunctional relationships; not only because you have a track record of choosing poor partners, but because you've learned dysfunctional ways of dealing in relationships. You need to deal with these issues with a licensed therapist, work through them so that you can move forward with your life without dragging your past issues with you. I understand that money's tight, but your emotional health and the health of your relationships isn't any less important than your physical health, is it? He's only lived with you for six months, you paid fully 1/2 of the expenses before him and he's paying part of the expenses, it's still easier on you financially than it was before he moved in, right? Therapy is how you get rid of your trust issues and abuse issues, it's how you become someone who can effectively deal with issues that come into their lives. If you don't like how things are going for you now it's how you learn a better way of dealing with them, and boy will it be worth it!


Video Games/Attention I don't know anyone who wouldn't agree that your boyfriend is playing the games way too much. But, it's his choice to play, and while I can totally understand that it would drive you crazy and you'd feel very neglected, there's nothing you can do to change what he does. What you can do, however, is change what you do and I would strongly urge you to do just that. Why are you sitting around waiting for him to stop playing and pay you some attention? Leave! Go out and do something on your own. You'll make more of a statement by choosing to do things to occupy your own time than by sitting around being upset. Understand that when I say you should go do something I don't mean stomp out the door and slamming it behind you, I mean simply having plans and going out to do them, no anger, no dramatic words or actions, just go out like you would any other time you were deciding to go out with friends on your own. Instead of dragging him out to dinner at your mothers, when it was time to go you should have simply said you were going and gone without him. You don't control his actions or decisions and you don't beg, plead, threaten or scream to get him to do what was already planned. He'll soon see that you're not sitting around waiting and if he wants a relationship, if he wants to be with you, he'll have to stop playing the game and be with you. As far as talking to him about this situation goes, I think it's reasonable for you to talk to him again, but how you talk to him is very important. There are several articles in our Information and Resources section that have very good information on constructive arguing:


Verbal Fencing With Someone You Love
Ten Rules For Fair Fighting
Dos and Don'ts For Fair Fighting
Conflicts - Points to Remember


It's important to talk about the issues that are important to you, and talking about them in a way that gets you heard and gets results is important.


Let us know how it goes.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"