Help me help my husband be more

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Help me help my husband be more
13
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 6:26pm

sexy...I also posted this on the Trouble Communicating board, but I really don't know where it belongs.

I love my husband of almost 5 years dearly. I just find him to be very 'goofy' in bed and it is a turn off for me. I believe this stems from his intellectual nature and lack of experience with women and relationships prior to me. I love him because he is an amazing father and husband, but I think his lack of something is starting to really turn me off :(

We have a lot of issues in bed and I know I probably contribute to some of them because I have had better sex, so my expectations are higher.. and I have fantasies to be fulfilled and just in general - the sex doesn't do it for me as it has in past relationships.

I have tried to tell him, "no, please don't say that.. it really distracts me.." or, "please, slow down!" He doesn't take his time exploring my body - he has erection problems (even when he takes his Levitra) and I think he just wants to get it in me as soon as he gets hard (sorry to be graphic).

In general I think he just lacks a confident sexy way about him and I am getting very sad b/c I do not think this is something I can teach him. It's always over in 2 minutes.. and he doesn't know any better to think that this is not good. I bought him the book, "She Comes First" to help him understand how important it is to please a woman, so I think that is a step in the right direction.

Does anyone have any suggestions? I love him, but I just don't know what to say or how to say it, without hurting him.. :( He says he loves me and is attracted to me, always makes goofy gestures or says silly things to me so I believe him, but it's not something that makes me all hot and bothered. What is wrong with me????

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 8:56pm
This is a new one for me and I'm just going to throw some things out there. Have you gone parking? Sounds crazy and I know you've got to be out of high school....but there's something...I don't know...erotic, maybe...about the possibility of getting caught. I'm not suggesting you go to the mall parking lot, but there's a lot of truth in the whole "get caught up in nature" saying. 4 wheeler riding? Parking in the woods? The beach? Sandbar on the river? Have you tried being the one in total control? Sort of taking over in the bedroom. Put the kids to bed or off to the grandparents, find some silk scarves, have some fun that way with him having no control over what happens (so to speak). Bring him to where he's almost there and then stop. Not to torture him, mind you, but to draw it out somewhat. I can also tell you that it's human nature to get into that cycle of being self-conscious and then it taking on a life of itself. Maybe he's just so concerned and so overwhelmed (surely he has to have SOME idea, right?) that it's just become a pattern. Some of the best times are when they're unexpected and when two people step out of their "same old same old". OK...quick story and not to shatter anyone's image of my prim & proper self (yeah, right....anyone who's been on this board for more than two seconds knows if it's on my mind, it's on my tongue!! :-) and if my ex-husband accidently were to stumble on this board, he'll know in a heaven's heartbeat who I am...but that's OK too...anyway, we'd just gotten married and in that brief moment of time before it all went to hell, we were out riding around one Friday evening. We were up in the country, looking for deer, of all things and I decided two things: one, I was hungry, two I had to go to the bathroom NOW. So, we pulled over at this little hamburger stand. It was nothing more than a little trailer that had three or four booths and a counter that you ordered at (and two bathrooms). We ordered hamburgers and then we both took off for the the respective bathrooms. No kidding...this was a SMALL place. I walked out of the women's bathroom and (true story) heard him zipping his jeans. Well, I opened the door and walked in. I'll save you the gory details, but needless to say, we both walked out of the men's room, with smiles on our faces, picked up our hamburgers (after having decided it probably wasn't a good idea to eat there), got in the car and drove off...laughing for miles! My point is....after we'd split and after he'd destroyed everything....during a late night phone call, THAT is what he remembered....and other times like that, but that's what he took away with him. I took an armload of misery, but that's another story too. My point is....maybe there are some things you can do. Step outside the box. Do something that he'd never expect. But try to have control over how long these little surprises go for. I honestly don't know if that's your answer and you may have spent your entire married life trying to do just that. Aside from things along those lines, this may be something that's out of your hands and maybe a doctor could help? I know a man would most probably rather eat nails than do something like that. I don't know many who'll go when he's dying with bronchitis, much less something so intimate, but it may be worth a shot. I'm interested to see what else is suggested. Good luck with it and keep your faith.
D.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Sat, 02-19-2005 - 12:32am

cat -

thanks for your suggestions... I actually DID order a french maid outfit, thigh high fishnets with garters... and "F me" pumps for dinner next weekend (well, after dinner!). We got a sitter... But he knows I bought something sexy b/c he saw the charge on our credit card and wanted to be sure it was actually ours.. Now it seems like no fun for b/c like you said, it won't be spontaneous! He does have ED issues and takes Levitra..it's a confidence issue for sure.

I may have to get him to take his Levitra during the week and then surprise him with my "outfit" that way - before the weekend...

We are missing that aspect of our relationship, but someone on anohter board had a great suggestion, that he is really immature sexually. He is like a 16 year old when it comes to sex b/c of his inexperience - in that the minute he gets aroused, he wants to "complete" because he simply can't hold off any longer. I guess that is why foreplay is really non-existant for us. That has to change too b/c it is not fair to me.

I'll let you know how the maid outfit goes :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Sat, 02-19-2005 - 12:56am
I think just because he has a head's up on the surprise for next weekend doesn't have to put a black mark against it...especially before you've had a chance to "live" it out. It just occurred to me that if he's taking Levitra, he has been to a doctor. That's good. Have you done an internet search? I know you can run into all kinds of off the wall things out in cyberspace, but you may also find something that you can relate to that may give you a different perspective. And you know, now that I think about it, since he does know there's something good coming down the line, it may be a great way to build the anticipation. Just don't put his eye out with the pumps!! LOL! Have you been to any specialty stores? That can be fun too and you may find some interesting things there as well. I'll leave it at that! I think that working on reassuring him and working on his ego are always good paths to take. And before anyone says something about taking responsibility for his happiness and saying that it's not all on her shoulders, understand that if this were anything else, I'd not lean towards this. It sounds as though you have an otherwise happy and fulfilling life, this is just one of those areas that are not exactly what it should/could be.
And yes...I understand what you mean about it not being fair to you in terms of the foreplay. I think that you can take a more assertive role maybe by taking over (hence the silk scarves, etc.). I'm sure that your goal is to have a satisfying sex life to look forward to, not one that you approach with the attitude of, "OK. Here goes another two minutes of my life." I'm not trying to simplify it, but I know that it's important...as it should be. So many of my male friends complain that their wives/girlfriends just aren't interested in making a little effort. For what it's worth, they all go on and on about how they wish they had someone who'd take the inititave. So that tells me that you're on the right page. Just need to get Mr. Wonderful on that same page, huh?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 02-19-2005 - 5:46am

First up, I have a question. Are you saying that he's capable of holding out longer but ejaculates early because he chooses to, not because he's over-excited or has a premature ejaculation problem? If he ejaculates quickly because he gets over-excited easily, won't a sexy outfit or a more exciting venue and the like only make the problem worse? I'd think you'd want him to get control before you'd be throwing him things that are geared to get him there even quicker.




I've had some experience with an over-excited partner and know the frustration of frequently not "getting there" and/or getting yourself in such a head trip to "hurry up and get there" before it's too late. Yes, it's not important to orgasm every time you have sex, but you should orgasm most of the time, IMO. There are other ways to orgasm besides penetration, but IMO, it's disappointing if you want to orgasm to penetration and aren't given enough time to do so. Even if you can "get there" in two minutes, it's hardly an enjoyable experience; it's all quickies, all the time!




Approaching the subject can be difficult, especially if your husband already feels inadequate due to performance issues. But, as with every other issue on the face of the earth unless you talk about it, you aren't going to get different results. You've tried to gently change what he does for five years and you haven't had results. Clearly, the subtle approach ain't going to work. You need to talk. He may feel like you're leading him to slaughter, but go there anyway. It's past time, you're due and it won't change until/unless you do. Start out by telling him you want to talk about sex. Set a time so he has an opportunity to mentally prepare himself and doesn't feel blind-sided. Make sure the talk happens at a time when you won't be interrupted and talk somewhere besides the bedroom. Tell him you know he wants to please you and that's why you're talking to him about this. Gently, but clearly tell him what's not working for you, as well as what you need. Tell him you'd like it to last a good long time, as in, "I'd love to have long, slow sex with you, we don't always have to be in such a hurry." Don't bombard him, make a statement or suggestion then pause to let it sink in a bit. Explain that women need time to relax before they're ready for sex, suggest a light massage or bring in some scented or flavored oils to use during foreplay, that'll take time and give you more of the non-sexual stimulation that's sooo nice. Agree that he won't enter you until you verbally tell him you're ready. Give him time to respond if he wants to and if you think it's appropriate, ask him for suggestions. As far as the "goofy" goes, you might tell him you love it, think it's cute, whatever, but not in the bedroom. If he has trouble with getting over excited too soon, you can grasp his penis at the base and squeeze hard. He'll have to tell you when the urge has passed. Sometimes just stopping for a minute while he regains control helps too. But if he doesn't know it's a problem, he can't work to fix it. If you're routinely faking orgasm, stop it. He can't know it's not good for you if you pretend it is. And when he does something you like, be sure he knows you love it - that'll give him confidence and desire to do it again - or more - for more of that positive response. The thing is, he's part of the problem (well, he's most of the problem), he needs to be in the game to be part of the answer too.




Here's a link from my stash of "good post" links that might pertain to your problem Need suggestions for an overstimulated partner It's old and from the Let's Talk about Sex board. There's a lot of banter, but a lot of suggestions. Along with the Let's Talk About Sex board, you might want to post on Ask Dr. Ruth and the Have Hotter Sex/Ask the Sex Expert boards for more suggestions.




If he has ED problems, he might want to discuss with his doctor his early ejaculation, I don't know that his would be considered an actual case of Premature Ejaculation or not, but there may be medical reasons for his lack of control and if there are, they should be checked. Lastly, if you don't find a solution on your own, see a licensed sex therapist for help.

~ cl-2nd_life


"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sat, 02-19-2005 - 6:20am

>>There's a lot of banter, but a lot of suggestions. <<

he he he

Banter. Now that's a good way to describe most of the threads on Let's Talk About Sex. Sometimes we posters over there just can't help but go off on a tangent ;-)

So what was the weather like today? Down here it was uncomfortably hot and humid. Ended with a fabulous thunderstorm and pouring rain.

Oh dear, I'm doing it again.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Sat, 02-19-2005 - 8:56am

Thanks so much- all excellent suggestions. First, I never fake orgasm - I would never do that. But unfortunately, I would have to say that I only climax about 25% of the time. The first problem to conquer is his understanding that no matter how you look at it - this is unacceptible! I got the book, "She Comes First" which he has just started reading. In the beginning it explains that women do need longer - and need to be "prepped" so to speak, so he is learning about this in great detail. This was actually news to him - so you see what we are working with?

The Levitra he takes is to stay hard so he can get it in... typically he gets so nervous and doesn't seem comfortable - if he tries once and he misses or for some reason it doesn't go in (and typically I am not even aroused enough yet for this to happen, compounding the problem).. then it immediately goes soft. So this is why he has Levitra... I don't think the problem is premature ejaculation because there have been instances (when we first dated) that we went much longer... So, now I believe the quickness and all that is just a confidence issue.

And the French Maid outfit surprise next weekend is really something he has always wanted and I have never felt too good about my body to do it-- but I am realizing that he loves me and finds me attractive so why not. I haven't mentioned also, that I am pregnant with our second, and hormones are raging.. It's something for me to do FOR me as well :) He seems to respond better when I do take on the Mrs. Robinson role as someone suggested on another board, so that's going to be my approach now.

Either way -- this all has to get fixed.. When I tell guy close guy friends about my 25% average.. they aren't too happy and I have just sort of accepted it. But I realize, there is a whole other happy lovemaking world out there!

Thanks for your suggestions!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Sat, 02-19-2005 - 9:39am
Lord, this is a pandora's box I'm about to dance around, but it's also one of those "I'm just sayin'..." statements, too. Please don't think there's anything in my statement than what it is. Please be careful in what you confide to your guy friends. You may find that you have one or two or three or ten of 'em who are willing to help with your 25% ratio. Please don't think I'm suggesting you or your friends would ever be disloyal, but sometimes, you're suddenly "aware" of someone wanting to do a good deed. Also, you might want to tread lightly. I'm guessing that your hubby would be devastated if he ever found out he was the subject of those kinds of conversations. That would certainly not be a good thing.
Congratulations on becoming a mommy again!!
I knew 2nd Life would have great suggestions. She has a way of hitting the nail on the head. I'm opt to go off on my reminiscent tales of days gone by, while she remains focused and can lay it all out there. She gave you good advice, and she has a knack for remembering posts from long ago that is always appropriate to a current situation.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 02-19-2005 - 12:06pm

I agree with the previous post. A woman with an SO talking to "close guy friends" about that degree of intimate detail is a recipe for disaster, IMO.

I have a lot of close guy friends, too, but there is NO WAY I would discuss my sex life with them, at least not in THAT amount of detail. It's just inappropriate. Would you be happy if your H were discussing your sex life with one or more close women friends?

If your H knows or suspects that you do this, that could be part of the confidence problem right there...

Sheri

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Registered: 04-06-2003
Sat, 02-19-2005 - 2:40pm

Well, I understand where you are coming from but at the same time, I am only trying to understand and there are two people in my life (male friends) that I am close with - who have helped me more then my brief stint in therapy a few years ago to deal with this. This has been ongoing for 5 years and want to do everything I can to fix it. I have had several conversations with my husband and I am always amazed at his thinking, and how he simply just doesn't know what a sexual relationship entails. After accepting it for so long, I have begun to think this is normal. Talking to my two guys friends is the only thing that gives me hope. I am sorry if people disapprove, but my female (very close) friends can only give me so much of a perspective.

And if my husband was talking about our intimate details with others, would I be bothered? No - I really don't think so. At this point, I almost think it would be better if he did speak to female friends about us because maybe they would let him know that there are ways to improve. Maybe it is an unorthodox approach but I just want to make it better and slowly but surely I think we will get there.

His last comment to me, when I suggested we both go to therapy (to help improve our sex life) was -- we have other things to worry about -- let's just wait until after the baby is born. (July). I know he loves me, but sexually he is just not the beast that I am, I guess (blush).

Thanks everyone for your comments - please don't judge me on my decision to discuss my personal matters with others (male or female) because it is what works best for me. I speak of the problem, but there is no need for me to get completely detailed about our intimacy which I try to avoid.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Sat, 02-19-2005 - 4:05pm
Point taken! Please don't think I, or anyone else on this board, would ever pass judgement. Trust me....I have enough of my own demons that I need to come full circle with! LOL...
I know this is a dilemma that is kicking your butt right now. Your dynamics are just that...YOURS. And you're right...sometimes a male perspective is just what you need. My apologies if I overanalyzed it.
For what it's worth....the further along in your pregnancy this gets will only add to your frustration level if it's not addressed. Waiting until July may make you crazy. That said, if your husband is one of these who speaks his mind and then end of subject, you may have a double whammy on your hands. It's obvious that your marriage is top priority to you, and so many times, I hear of couples who don't make it top priority, so just keep at it until you find that happy medium...it's there. Hopefully, he'll reconsider and make an effort to find that happy medium so that you both can be on the same page and have that same beast in common.

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