Help me understand...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2011
Help me understand...
11
Thu, 07-21-2011 - 4:39pm

Lately, I am not sure anymore if my issues are valid so I would appreciate any comments and advices to sort out my confused mind...

There is nothin much I can complain about my husband except for connection issues I have.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Thu, 07-21-2011 - 5:02pm

I have to admit I can see your husband's point. At least, I can tell there's a difference in the way you both view nighttime and I think it's important that you both go to sleep happy.

For him, night is a time to relax and unwind and do mindless things that don't require thought or effort so he can go to sleep.

For you, night is a time when you want a lot of emotional stimulus from him. I don't think you're wrong for wanting what you do, but I think it would be best to try to compromise on the timing. Is there a better time for you to initiate sex or do some talking and bonding? I admit that I wouldn't want to lie around in bed talking before sleep. If you come up with a better time than right before bed, maybe your husband will be more receptive to meeting your needs. The problem is he really needs his down-time too, and he has as much right to it as you do.

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Thu, 07-21-2011 - 5:41pm
I don't think going to bed at the same time is all that important - my husband usually stays up later than I do and it doesn't bother me because we find other times to talk, bond and be affectionate. My mom says she and my dad are the same way and they still have a good relationship.

There may be a lack of emotional, psychological and physical intimacy in your marriage but I don't think that not going to bed at the same time is to blame for it or is necessarily a result of it either. Have you tried to initiate emotional/psychological connections at other times or are you convinced it can only happen in bed?
Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Fri, 07-22-2011 - 12:06am

Welcome to the board, Ches.ca ~

I think I'm looking for more information.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 07-22-2011 - 6:11am

The problem of intimacy still exists and won't go away.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2011
Fri, 07-29-2011 - 1:11pm

Thank you both undercovercrab and ukgirl for your replies. They helped me better understand his side.

Somehow it is always easier for me to accept my neuroses than to believe that there is really something wrong with my marriage...

Thank you also 2nd_life for your reply. To answer your questions: No we don't have date nights, the only time I can consider spending with him on a regular basis is dinner time where we talk about our day, but of course, it is with the kids as well. My kids are 12 and 6...and I guess I buried myself further now as I also have an 8-week baby :D ...the baby

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2011
Fri, 07-29-2011 - 1:24pm

Thanks Mark for your reply...

...guess what, I did tell him about almost having an affair because of what his rejections made me feel, but nothing!! He did not even show any jealousy. He said he knows me too well and is sure that I will always choose to do what is right and not break our family. Nice!

...marriage counselling is a good idea, maybe he will start to listen if a counsellor talks to him.

...divorce? I hope I have that option, but I don't...kids are too young :(((

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Fri, 07-29-2011 - 6:47pm

I would touch the divorce and kids topic.

If things were bad, why did you have your 3rd child ? You should have taken extra precautions.

Kids are young and that is the right time to divorce.They adapt to new things quicker than when they get older.Your 13 year old might struggle but you can get counselling for her.If you are waiting for your kids to be 20, well , then your new baby will be 20 in 19 years time,so youve gotta wait till another 19 years.If you are in your 30s, lets say 35, in 19 years time, you will be nearly 50 and begining menopause with sex drive going down among other things.

Yeah, kids will get to live with both parents but those who are waiting for them to be out so they can be free.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Fri, 07-29-2011 - 8:53pm

The first step is to realize that you are the high desire person in the relationship - for sex and emotional intimacy - and he is the low desire partner for both of those.

"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Fri, 07-29-2011 - 10:01pm

This may be too simple, but it sounds like you told him about your near-affair in a blame way.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2011
Sat, 07-30-2011 - 12:04pm

Thank you very much 2nd_life and harmony08. Your words are very insightful. You've touched every angle of my thoughts and emotions. I will definitely take your advices into consideration and I appreciate very much your time and effort in sharing your wisdom.

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