Help! My boyfriends mother!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
Help! My boyfriends mother!
3
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 5:55pm
I have been seeing this guy for about a month, and just recently we made it official, that we were a couple. This made me extremely excited because we had hit it off so well, the only drawback was that this would be a long distance relationship (he lives 3 hours away). Even though I wouldn't be able to see him as often as I'd like, I want to be with him, and if I only get to see him on the weekends, then so be it. Everything has been going so great...I've been floating on cloud 9, until last night.
We started talking about past relationships and getting along with our significant others families. Well, he had brought up that his ex didn't get a long with his mother, and he said he didn't understand why. While he was telling me this I could feel the cloud I was on disappearing, just what I didn't want to hear, the ex and mother didn't get along! All I could think about is what does this mean for me? Was it the ex that did something wrong? Was it the mother? He tells me that his ex acted pretty immaturely, so maybe thats it, I'm not sure. I have yet to meet his family and I'm so scared to meet his mom especially. This whole situation freaks me out because in my previous relationship my boyfriends family and I really didn't talk or get a long too well and I don't want it to happen again! I believe that if the man your with has potential to be the one your going to spend the rest of your life with, then you should have a good relationship with his family, as well as he with yours. So how do you prevent problems from happening? He's the only child, so how can I show his mother that I'm good enough for him?
After telling me about his ex and mother not getting along, he proceeds to tell me that his mom had sent him email over the weekend asking him what was going on in his life (he spent the weekend with me). He said that he had talked to her on Thursday so it wasn't a big deal and asked her if she was serious. She replied and said that she wanted to talk to him about what was going on in his life. So he went over to his parents house last night to talk to his mom. He just tells me that he told her the usual was happening, whether this is what he really told her I'm not sure. I think I remember him mentioning that he told his mom about me, but I'm not totally sure. So I don't know if he's trying to avoid his mom being on his back about it so he doesn't want to say anything to her, or what the deal is...The last thing I want to do is drive a wedge between mother and son. I don't want her to feel as if I'm taking away her child or time she could spend with him. If he needed to call her over the weekend while he was with me, its perfectly fine, I have absolutely no problem with it. I don't want her to think that he won't talk to her when he is with me. How do I fix this before it becomes a real problem?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 8:36pm
I think you're borrowing trouble here. There is no reason to believe that his mother is anything other than a loving parent who wants her son to be happy with the girl of his dreams. Don't imagine problems where there are none; just continue to enjoy your growing relationship with your boyfriend and see what develops.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 9:45pm

You need to calm down.

You've known this guy a month - and you've agreed to be sexually exclusive. That's it.

This 'meet the parents' is like him taking a bed buddy home.....if you're both rational, mature adults and they're sane and reasonable people.

You're his friend, you're his lover, you're his "new" acquaintence....you're in the stage of getting to know one another as individuals.

You two are long distance - so most of your interaction is going to have a vacuum environment of an 'affair" - at least for awhile.

It'll be planned and structure around things being pleasant, convenient, comfortable, impressive to one another - and very little 'real life" will transcend on the weekends when tehre is a focus on fun and sex and nothing else.

You're going at this 'meet the parents' as if this is "important". It's not. Statistically speaking - you probably will not last till marriage or commitment. If you do, there is a high chance that your commitment will not last a lifetime. If it does great - but it won't be because "you get along with his parents or becuase his mother likes you" - it'll be because you two have enough in common in terms of vlaues, interests, goals, and definitions of great life and how to achieve it to enjoy one another as individuals, grow as individuals, and enjoy the companionship that you share in the journey of life.

His parents aren't the issue.

You be yourself - treat him the way that you'll respect yourself for treating him. Treat them the way youo'll respect yoruself for treating them.

Here's two VERY REAL possibilities...almost certainly one is dead on:

First, his last relationship was based in need, immaturity, and dysfunctionality of purpose. Part of that could have been that "they" (or one of them) insisted that the relationship would last, that thier 'love' would stand the test of time - from the very beginning, and then began to conduct themselves territorially - peeing on family and friends that came near the partner, etc. Not literally - figuratively.

That indicates that the relationship was a source of identity, completion, happiness, success or security - and a relationship is not that.

So maybe his mother doesn't think HE is old enough to choose a partner based on his appreciation of her individuality - over his "need" for convenience and benefit. Maybe his mother doesn't want him to shortchange himself and not accomplish all his goals and expand his horizons fully in life before committing to partnership...and she's afraid "sex" will sway the balance and babies pound the nail in the coffin of his future. Maybe his mother doesn't respect the values, priorities, standards, and ethics of the people he chooses to partner up with at this time - because she really doesn't consider and treat him as an adult - capable of knowing his own mind, standards, beliefs, and goals and achieving his own success by his own definitions and efforts. That would keep her perpetually treating him as a "little boy" - no matter his age, until HE did something about it - not her.

So maybe his mother likes "nobody" that likes him. That's very possible - you won't know till you get there. Not because she doesn't like the other people - she just doesn't like thier proximity to him and what they potentially represent in terms of loss of options to him in her interpretation.

Maybe his mother iddn't like the ex because the ex didn't want to have babies and be a wife...but wnated to have a boyfriend and have fun. And the mother believes that anybody with "her son" - should be settled down at all times, doing waht he says and putting him on a career path and plan that allows him some stability. So she might not have liked the girl's "influence" of keeping him OUT of commitment, and into his youth oriented pursuits and lifestyle.

But here's the thing...he has a VERY STRAINED relationship with his mother. That happened before you came along, and it had NOTHING to do with the ex or any other ex either.

His mother doesn't consider him an "adult"...she calls him over to counsel him about his choices, his life path, his decisions....and he "goes" like an obedient child, and then he tells her what she wants to hear to get him out the door and back to his own interests and diversions.

So that is very likely why the mother didn't like the ex. He'd tell his mother what his mother wanted to hear - which wasn't exactly what the plan, agenda, and actions were that in accurate reality.

When his mother and the ex got together.......his mother's "impression" of the ex was different in person - than what she expected based on his presentation and her interpretation of it.

Immediately the clash......and here's a REAL possibility also...it's more rare - but very possible.

It's very possible that his ommissions, deletions, avoidance and deceit towards his mother regarding that relationship and the ex......caused the mother to see HIM for waht he is - immature, irresponsible, lacking in self-awareness and self-responsibility. That makes him a "child' in her eyes - as it would in anybody's that perceived him in that way DUE TO HIS ACTIONS.

So when she meets if - if she's very concerned about "where this relationship is heading" it could be because she knows he's not mature and responsible enough to be in a committed relationship. She doesn't wnat him not to have fun, sex, and companionship - butshe doesn't want "other people" impacted by his immaturity and unpredictability. In which case she wouldn't be a big proponent of "anything serious" - but she'd be intelligent and intuitive enough to simply "let thinsg go with the flow" - and not try to direct the flow of traffic.

So, why didn't you get along with your ex's family? Not, why didn't they like you - why didn't you like them?

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 10:35pm

I think you're way over thinking this and making trouble where none exists; at this rate, by the time you meet his parents you'll be so worked up that you'll make your fears come true.


How about just expecting the level they'll like you at will be based on whether your personalities click together or not? How about figuring that his last girlfriend didn't click with his parents for the same reasons you didn't click with your ex's?


When you do meet them, just be yourself without worrying what their agendas are and without trying to second guess what they think/want/feel. Be yourself and let them meet the real you, like they should Take a deep breath and stop borrowing trouble!







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown



Edited 2/21/2006 11:17 pm ET by cl-2nd_life








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