Help my finace is a crossdresser

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Help my finace is a crossdresser
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 1:04am
I recently found out that my fiance of four years has been crossdressing and chatting with other MEN! Through out our entire relationship. He has also admitted to me that he had oral and anal sex with other men up until he met me. I feel so abused and used. I feel dirty. He would tell these men about me and ask them for advice on how to get me to go to bed with the both of them. He claims he is not gay, however he is bi-sexual. He has made an appt. to see a therapist. The lifestyle does not bother me, his lies do! I can't even talk about this with any of our friends. Is there any chance of saving this? Is there anyone who can talk to me? Help!!!!
Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 1:29am
Your fiance is bisexual, just as he said. If you knew he had oral and anal sex with men until he met you, you certainly knew he wasn't "straight". While it's certainly possible for bisexuals to be faithful to one partner, it seems that yours is teasing and tempting himself at least. That doesn't speak well to your prospect of having a faithful fiance or spouse. Personally, I couldn't consider a relationship with a man who had bisexual tendencies and who made a point of entertaining the possibility of being less than faithful. His contacts with men are signs that either he's considering (tempting himself) to have a gay relationship and/or that he's certainly not ready to give up that lifestyle and be faithful to you. I'm sure you're aware how dangerous a sexual relationship is with a man who has or has had gay relationships, HIV/AIDS is a killer and can lie dormant in an infected persons system for a very long time.

What do either of you think a therapist is going to do for him? Counsel him straight? It doesn't work that way, there's nothing wrong with him, nothing to be fixed. His tendencies are not a choice or a flaw, they're just who he is. The fact that he continues to entertain chatting with other men says he's not ready to give that part up in favor of you. Hate to say it, but what that means is you're not "the one" for him. If you were he wouldn't be struggling - there would be no struggle. I suggest you wish him well and move on, this will not end happily for either of you any other way, IMHO. Neither of you can change the facts and it's no one's fault.

I strongly suggest you post your problem on the Bisexual Issues board for thoughts of those much more qualified in this area:

Also check in with the Friends and Family of Gays, Lesbians, Bisexuals and Transgendered board:


~ cl-2nd_life