Help... In need of support....
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| Tue, 03-29-2005 - 8:32am |
My heart is breaking…
I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost a year now. I am 23 and he is 19. I love him with all my heart and there is not a day that passes that puts into question my longing to be with him and have a life with him.
But… about 2 months ago he expressed his need to explore himself and to have an open relationship. Painfully I agreed because I do not want to hold him back from anything and really want him to discover whether of not he really does want to be with me in the end. But it is so painful. He has not done anything with anyone yet but the thought is breaking my heart. I wonder if we can ever go back to just being with each other and I feat never being able to have a life with him? I cannot stand living this way and yet I cannot stand to live without him.
I know wheatear to stay of leave will have to be a decision I make on my own but I am all alone in this and I could really use some support.
I am so in love and yet so heart broken all in the same moment. I am in pain…

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As painful as this is, you settled.
Peace,
Di
***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***
I know... he knows that I want to have a closed relationship and to have a future with him... He knows I am upset and does everything he can to try and support me through this.. but still... I can not desided in my own head when enough it enough... or when I have given him enough time. I just don't want to wait forever... and yet also don't want to force him into something he is not yet ready for. I am torn apart my need and his and I find myself constantly questioning myself... is being happy with him enough? Can I look past the thing I do not like and simply enjoy being with him for the time being? Can I wait? Can I do this?
All answers have no reply.... and so I am unhappy. I don't know... maybe I am just afraid of what answer I will give myself. I don't know.
Another Mention...
He said he is not looking for another relationship as he is happy with me in this way... he says he wants to explore his sexual needs only.
He has not done anything yet... and that also make me question wheather or not I should wait and then adress this again once he has. I hate to think about it... but how is he to know if this is really what he wants if he has yet to even try. Once he has acted upon his "needs" things may be completly different... or the same... but should I perhaps give him the chance to discover that before I say enough is enough?
Wow... thank you so much for your advice. It really hit home and I am glad someone spoke stright forward and fairly with me. In responce to your post:
"fear that he may find another person that peaks his interest and he will pursue that, and possible explore a physical relationship with this person"
I did agree to this and yes you are right I have to respect his needs. I suppose I did not realize how that much it would hurt to lose that feeling of being "special" to him and the "only one" in his life. But I do respect him for being so forward with me and I suppose that is one of the main reasons I agreed to all of this. I have already let him know that I can not do this forever but have given him the freedom and in the same right he has given me mine. As I said before... I do not blame him or hate him for any of this... I understand to some degree... it is just hard... and difficult sometimes to know for certian that I am not being taken advantage of... and that he really does care for me in the end.
What really hit home was when you spoke about:
"clingy-ness and the appearance that you as so consumed with him that you don't have a life of your own."
This is me *cries*... and I know it is a problem... I know he thinks ill of me for it... and I know this is something I need to change NOW in order to view all of this clearly. But it is so hard when someone else has been you life for so long. I have been thinking about this for the past couple of days and I really think focusing on my own life....goals... and needs... will not only help my "relationship" but also my feeling of self worth. It's just hard to know where to start when I've been someone else for so long. I do want to know myself... I just don't know where to start and how to get though these feelings of grieving.
Thank you so much though for your stright forwardness... it's what I need right now and I really don't have anyone in my life to do so right now.
Any further advice or feedback would help...
Yes, yes, yes. No matter how much you love another person, they cannot be your whole life. If they are, and then they leave you, you are left with nothing. And the chance is greater they will leave you because nobody wants to bear the responsibility of being everything to another person forever (it's easer to love a whole person than a person who is dependent like a child is). Everyone needs interests and activities, each person is in charge of making their life fulfilled, and you don't stop doing this when you are in a relationship. If and when you find a person to love, they add to your life they do not become your life. If you have this approach, where your life is fulfilling and you enjoy it, you are less likely to make compromises that you are not okay with - like letting your boyfriend sleep with other people because he wants to.
But honestly, I think the problem is he is too young. You should let him know that if he does this your feelings will likely end up changing and he might lose what you have. Be honest with yourself about that too. He will probably still need to go have other relationships and that is okay (sad for you, but okay because it is unavoidable), so you may have to let him go and just take care of yourself for right now.
I could not agree more with what Dirextor had to say.
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
"From what you've said, it sounds like you've immersed yourself in this relationship"
Yes I have and I believe that is why I have such difficulty with this. We live together... spend 24/7 with each other... he is loving... supportive... etc... but because of the way our relationship "is" beyond these things... I am torn apart. I do not have my own interests, hobbies, or friends... it all revolves around him and I know this is something I have to change 1st in order to know myself and be able to really judge this situation clearly. I want to start having my own life... apart from him and hopefully in time I will feel more self confident and more clear about this whole situation. Confusion has been the largest factor in this situation. I am making a commitment to myself to do this and with luck I will find a way.
As for my relationship status... living the way I am right now is hard. But to make a clear deision on this I really am starting to think that I need to have a sense of my own life first. Once I know who I am better I will know what is acceptable or not with more clarity. But it will be hard...
Thanks for the feedback.
BY the sounds of your posts it sounds as if you give all in a r/ship – that’s both a good and bad thing. It’s good to be selfless, but it’s bad to get hurt. Kwim? Take this as a learning experience – the world is a big place with lots of people and somewhere out there your match is waiting. Someone who wouldn’t do this to you.
I thought one bf of mine was the “one” my heart broke when he dumped me. I look back on it 7 years later and him wanting to be with other people was the best choice he ever made! My advice to you is move on, clear out the memories of him, he’s chosen to explore, that doesn’t mean you need to wait for him to realise what he’s lost. He’s in the past now and that’s a closed chapter of your life.
Find your own place, move on, take up hobbies, make new friends and start your own life, independent of friends. Most importantly learn from this – be careful with what you give to people, before you give yourself fully make sure they know who you are, what you stand for, your morals and values. Don’t move in with someone because it’s fun or easy, be independent, struggle and you’ll find you come out on top. When you do find true love you will know and will have the strength to approach it much more wisely this time around.
Heartbreak isn’t fun, it’s not easy, but time will help you to heal. The best thing you can do right now is get up get out and put your mind to something else, more useful. ((((HUGS)))))
Sereph,
I think you have already begun the process.
Peace,
Di
***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***
And in the end, you'll feel much better about yourself having drawn that line in the stand, taken a stand for what you believe is right or wrong, than to have gone along with something that you believe is not right in a relationship for you. Going along against your beliefs eats at your self worth, the longer you go accept it, the more damage you'll do.
"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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