HELP NEEDED WITH DECISION
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| Tue, 08-15-2006 - 5:35pm |
Hi all.
I need some serious advice here. I recently ended my relationship with my boyfriend of 14mnths... He is really a very special person but i had misgivings about longterm compatability. I'll try to be as objective / honest as possible with the details:
My main reason is that i see too much of his father in him (or rather, i can see him turning into a clone of his father when he gets older). His father has a serious drinking problem, fuelled by a low self-esteem. He's flirty with all women - it is really sad to watch him come onto his sons' friends and girlfriends. It's like he's still a 20yo 'player' who haven't grown up yet. I get the impression that he needs to 'stay-in-the-game' in order to feel like a worthy man. And he's got a REALLY wonderful wife - who he keeps on brow-beating and putting down, blatantly. The impact he's had on the personalities of his sons and his wife is SCARY - i think he's told them they're not good enough so often that they're believing it. The crappy baggage he's inherited, he now passed onto his sons. They're both suffering from low self-esteem (although it's masked by an almost overly 'pushy' mock-confidence).
My biggest fear is ending up in a relationship / marriage like that of my parents (my mother too is an alchoholic...) Needless to say - I do not want to end up like that, i a relationship where booze is 'main-priority' *I guess we'd be passing along really bad drinking-problem-genes if we do get married* LOL
He is very considerate and we share a lot of interests & we can talk about anything. But he's 'emotionally heavy' or i feel like something's suffocating me. I cannot handle the 'intensity' around myself ALL THE TIME. He needs to be given recognition and credit all the time (due to my mum being the same - i have an unnatural aversion to giving recognition and credit). it irritates me when i feel someone is asking for recognition every day. Most conversation's would be steered towards 'how well he did his job' or 'how well he solved a problem at work' or 'how his boss said he did a great job' etc. He is also a very warm and loving person, and he loves flirting! that in itself is not a problem - everyone enjoys some innocent and fun flirting. But again i see noticeable similarities between him and his dad - is he also going to turn into this 45yo man who never grew up! Is he going to need to flirt to feel like he's still 'THE MAN'?
I wish i could take away that 'inherited baggage' he got from his father (that feeling of low self-worth). is there any way that i can 'make him see' that he's a worthy, wonderful man? i'm afraid of failing at that - of not being able to 'make-it-better' for him... And what if i can't and he ends up passing that same crap over to our children! (i think that's the scariest thought of all)
My personality is analytical to the extreme - but am i way wrong by predicting what person he'll become??? Should i give it another shot. I really love him very much. I'd really appreciate some input as i think i'm too close to the issue.
(Sorry for the long post) :)

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I would run. With baggage like that from his family, and you admitting serious baggage from yours, I would NOT get involved again. Instead I would go to an counselor who specializes in family members of addicts and have them work with you to get 100% healthy so you can find a great guy, without all the baggage, and save yourself a lot of future heartache.
You may love this guy, he may have a "great personality" but he needs help and he needs to realize he does and then go and get it. Only once you've both gotten counseling with appropriate counselors would I even *think* of getting back together with him.
Jen
I think you made a very smart move in ending this relationship based on the issues you identified.
It sounds like you've thought your decision through and made it.
Thank you Jen, Kim & Jennie.
I really appreciate your guys' advice / input.
Kim, i can see that you are familiar with the 'issues' at hand - you put your finger right on my biggest fear (subconsciously seeking out a similar relationship-type)...
I feel that i did make the right decision (for me). i realize that it's going to be difficult because i'm losing him as a boyfriend, but also as a best friend... but i'm gonna stick to my decision - even if my heart is trying to convince my head otherwise. LOL
Thank you guys so much.
If I had paid the kind of attention to my bf's family that you are and if I'd had the kind of foresight and intelligence that you're demonstrating, I wouldn't have married my ex-husband at all. His family was dysfunctional, to say the least. I knew his father had been physically abusive to my ex as as child. I knew my ex's mother acted like a scared mouse half the time, nearly ready to jump out of her skin and always unsure of her decisions. Had I used a bit of brain power (actually, I just needed to be older) I'd have figured out that we are deeply influenced by what we grow up with and I would have recognized the disaster that marrying this guy would be. Let's just say alcoholism, verbal and emotional abuse all were a part of the package.
Your concern is right on, leaving was the right thing to do. Don't second guess your decision.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
CL,
Thank you for your post. It is inspiring advice and insight.
I really apreciate it very much.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
CL,
Thank you. I am grateful for your advice. It is inspiring in a very 'unselfish' way. It is tremendously refreshing 'cause most of my friends try to be supportive in a condescending way (I'm sure they don't mean to be, LOL - but one more: 'you're better off without him' or 'he isn't worth your tears' and I'm gonna scream!). I know that this break-up is not the end of my world (it's gonna be the beginning of a whole new chapter in my life); but right now I feel cr#p, and I cry for what seems no reason... But it's okay & I know I'll come out the other side fine - it won't happen tomorrow or next week - but that's okay to. I'll get over it, once I've finished mourning... Because I feel that that is what it is - the death of something that was dear to me. And just like people don't want to hear nasty things about a loved-one who died - so we don't want the scavengers picking at the carcass of a once-treasured relationship.
Life is painful and exciting and beautiful all at the same time, I've learned a lot from this and I don't regret a second of it... This experience will make me stronger and it'll teach me more about myself. It's not fun but it's tremendously valuable.
The advice and insight that you guys have shared with me, is amazing - it has been a huge help and inspiration. Thank you all. I'll post back when I've reached the summit of my mountain (maybe i'll even post some photos of the view, LOL).
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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