HELP NEEDED WITH DECISION

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2005
HELP NEEDED WITH DECISION
12
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 5:35pm

Hi all.

I need some serious advice here. I recently ended my relationship with my boyfriend of 14mnths... He is really a very special person but i had misgivings about longterm compatability. I'll try to be as objective / honest as possible with the details:

My main reason is that i see too much of his father in him (or rather, i can see him turning into a clone of his father when he gets older). His father has a serious drinking problem, fuelled by a low self-esteem. He's flirty with all women - it is really sad to watch him come onto his sons' friends and girlfriends. It's like he's still a 20yo 'player' who haven't grown up yet. I get the impression that he needs to 'stay-in-the-game' in order to feel like a worthy man. And he's got a REALLY wonderful wife - who he keeps on brow-beating and putting down, blatantly. The impact he's had on the personalities of his sons and his wife is SCARY - i think he's told them they're not good enough so often that they're believing it. The crappy baggage he's inherited, he now passed onto his sons. They're both suffering from low self-esteem (although it's masked by an almost overly 'pushy' mock-confidence).

My biggest fear is ending up in a relationship / marriage like that of my parents (my mother too is an alchoholic...) Needless to say - I do not want to end up like that, i a relationship where booze is 'main-priority' *I guess we'd be passing along really bad drinking-problem-genes if we do get married* LOL

He is very considerate and we share a lot of interests & we can talk about anything. But he's 'emotionally heavy' or i feel like something's suffocating me. I cannot handle the 'intensity' around myself ALL THE TIME. He needs to be given recognition and credit all the time (due to my mum being the same - i have an unnatural aversion to giving recognition and credit). it irritates me when i feel someone is asking for recognition every day. Most conversation's would be steered towards 'how well he did his job' or 'how well he solved a problem at work' or 'how his boss said he did a great job' etc. He is also a very warm and loving person, and he loves flirting! that in itself is not a problem - everyone enjoys some innocent and fun flirting. But again i see noticeable similarities between him and his dad - is he also going to turn into this 45yo man who never grew up! Is he going to need to flirt to feel like he's still 'THE MAN'?

I wish i could take away that 'inherited baggage' he got from his father (that feeling of low self-worth). is there any way that i can 'make him see' that he's a worthy, wonderful man? i'm afraid of failing at that - of not being able to 'make-it-better' for him... And what if i can't and he ends up passing that same crap over to our children! (i think that's the scariest thought of all)

My personality is analytical to the extreme - but am i way wrong by predicting what person he'll become??? Should i give it another shot. I really love him very much. I'd really appreciate some input as i think i'm too close to the issue.

(Sorry for the long post) :)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 11:40am

Zam, you've got a great outlook and a healthy understanding of the process you have to go through and I'm really glad for that.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 08-23-2006 - 8:04am
I know how that feels.

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