HELP .. THIS IS SERIOUS....
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| Tue, 05-16-2006 - 7:56pm |
HUSBANDAND I HAVE BEEN MARRIED ALMOST 2 YEARS HE WANTS A DIVORCE EVEN THOUGH THIS MARRIAGE IS FIXABLE.. WE ARGUE CONSTANTLY , AND HAVE AN 10 MONTH OLD DAUGHTER. ALSO THE ONE THAT IS REALLY YOUNG (24) AND MY HUSBAND AN I BOTH WORK AND HE WORKS AT NIGHT AND TAKES CARE OF OUR BABY DURING THE DAY AND ONLY HAS 4 HOURS OF SLEEP A DAY(I KNOW WAY TO MUCH LACK OF SLEEP) ... ..WELL I MADE AN APPOINTMENT WITH A COUNSELOR ( WHICH HE HAS AGREED OVER AND OVER TO SEE WITH ME ONLY TO NOT GO ) SATURDAY IS MY FIRST SESSION. I HOPE IT GOES OKAY. HE AGREED TO GO AGAIN AND FOR SOEM REASON I THINK HE MIGHT...
SO THIS IS MY UPDATE... ALL LAST WEEK I WAS STAYING WITH MY PARENTS AND DRIVING 1 1 /2 HOURS TO WORK AND 1 1/2 HOURS BACK EVERY DAY..AND FRIDAY THE SAME, DROPPED HER OFF AT THE APARTMENT AND I CAME TO WORK. WELL WHEN I GOT HOME SOMEHTING MADE ME TAKE A PREGNANCY TEST (I ALREADY HAD ONE FROM BEFORE OUR FIGHTS ) AND LOW AND BEHOLD IT TURNS OUT POSITIVE!
OMG... WHAT AM I GONNA DO.. 24 WITH 10 MONTH OLD, AND ONE ON THE WAY WITH A DIVORCE!!!!!
WE TALKED FRIDAY AND WE AGREED THAT OUR PROBLEMS WERE PETTY AND THIS COULD BE SAVED , ATLEAST ATTEMP TO.. WELL BY SUNDAY THE LOONIE HAD CHANGED HIS MIND..OUT OF NOWHERE!
AND HE LEFT FOR A DAY.. CAME BACK AND I HARDLY SPOKE TO HIM... WELL BY THIS WEEKEND WE TALKED AGAIN ADN I ASKED HIM TO PLEASE COME WITH ME TO CPUNSELING AND HE SAID YES AND THIS TIME SEEMED GENUINE ABOUT IT... SO WERE HAPPY GO LUCKY ON SATURDAY , EVEN SLEPT IN THE SAME BED AND SUNDAY WE WOKE UP AND HE DIDNT EVEN WISH ME A HAPPY MOTHERS DAY... HE CALLED HIS MOM IN FRONT OF ME AND WISHED HER ONE IN HIS MOST STUPID "MOMMAS BOY " VOICE I HAVE EVER HEARD! AND I WENT TO THE BATHROOM TO CRY , WHEN HE CAME 30 MINS LATER AND SAID WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME... AND I TOLD HIM. YOU DIDNT EVEN TELL ME HAPPY MOTHERS DAY... THE ONE WHO HAS YOUR DAUGHTER AND IS PREGANT WITH YOUR SECOND!!! AND HE JUST LOOKED AT ME AND LEFT! AS IF I HADENT SAID A WORD.
LATER ON HE AKS IF HE COULD GO TO THE BEACH CLUB WITH MY DAUGHTER AND I OFCOURSE I SAID YES.. EVERYTHIGN IS PEACHY... WE EVEN SLEEP TOGETHER AND TODAY HE TOTALLY FLIPS AND SAYS NO MATTER IF HE GOES TO COUNSELING WITH ME HE IS STILL DIVORCING ME! I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. I STILL LOVE THIS SORRY EXCUSE FOR A MAN, WE HAVE A DAUGHTER WHO ADORES HIM AND ONE MORE ON THE WAY... I DOTN WANT IT TO BE OVER.. I TELL HIM ALL THE TIME.. BEFORE A COUPLE DECIDES TO DIVORCE THEY SHOULD SEEK COUNSELING AND HE STILL SAYS" I DONT FEEL LIKE IT" I DONT WANT TO" I DONT WANT TO STAY MARRIED TO YOU"
:(
WHAT AM I TO DO???? IM SO LOST ... I ALREADY ENDED UP IN THE HOSPITAL FROM ALL OF THIS... THAT IS ALL I CAN THINK OF.. I THINK ABOUT HOW I MUST OF LET OUR DAUGHTER DOWN AND HOW SHE'LL HATE ME AND THIS NEW BABY TOO... OMG WHAT IM I GONNA DO. I DOTN WANT A DIVORCE!
WE TALKED AGAIN AND HE AGREED AND SAID HE WOUDL GO WITH ME TO THE COUNSELIGN SESSION ON SATURDAY.. THE THING IS I HAVE A FEELING NOTHING WILL CHANGE HIS MIND.. NO WAIT. I KNOW NOTHING WILL CHANGE HIS MIND BECAUSE HE JUST TOLD ME "ILL GO TO CONSELING WITH YOU BUT THAT DOESNT MEA IM GONNA CHANGE MY MIND,,, I WANT A DIVORCE" ... NOW I KNOW HE IS NOT SEEING SOMEONE ELSE,, I KNOW IT, I JUST THINK HE IS SOOO TIRED OF EVEYRHITNG WE GO THROUGH THAT HE THINKS DIVORCE IS THE BEST OPTION... I REALLY DOTN WANT TO DIVORCE.
ONE THING IMPORTANT TOO, I FORGOT TO MENTION BEFORE IS WHEN WE RECENTLY ARGUED, HE SAID SOMETHING REALLY NASTY TO ME AND IT HURT ME SO MUCH ALL I COULD DO WAS SLAP HIM IN THE FACE. I KNOW IT WAS TERRIBLY WRONG OF ME TO DO THAT AND I REGRET IT .. ACTUALLY THIS IS THE SECOND TIME I HAD SMACKED HIM BECAUSE OF WHAT HE SAID (WHEN WE FIGHT, WE BOTH SAY REALLY MEAN THINGS.. HE MORE THAN I , BUT WE BOTH DO IT.) SO I JUST FLIPPED. SO WRONG I KNOW... BUT NOW HE SAYS THAT IM A BEATER...I SMACKED HIM IN THE FACE FOR A HURTFUL COMMENT I DIDNT BEAT HIM.. DOES THAT MEAN IM A BEATER? IM NOT, OR I DOTNTHINK I AM .. I KNOW I SHOULDNT OF DONE IT,,,AND I WILL NEVER AGAIN.. BUT HE SAYS THAT BECAUSE I SMACKED HIM FOR THE SECOND TIME FOR A HURTFUL COMMENT , HE IS DIVORCIGN ME... IS THAT RIGHT? IS THAT GROUNDS FOR A DIVORCE... I MEAN ANYTHIGN GOES RIGHT ? AND I AS WRONG ...BUT A DIVORCE?
IM SO LOST .. I NEED HELP SAVING MY MARRIAGE. HOW CAN I LET HIM KNOW WITHOUT NAGGING OUR PREASSURING HIM(I DO THAT ALOT BECAUSE HE NEVER WANTS TO HEAR ME OUT ) THAT I LOVE HIM AND I WANT THIS MARRIAGE TO WORK, FOR US, FOR OUR KIDS....
JILL

Please don't type in all caps. It makes it hard to read your posts.
(((Hugs))) to you. This has got to be hard, especially recovering from being pg and being pg all over again. Especially with it being a surprise. Go to the counseling. He may not change his mind but you can't do anything about it. You CAN get through whatever happens, especially if you are seeking help.
Jen
It sounds like calling you an abuser is just the latest in a long line of reasons why he wants a divorce and another way to get you back. He's trying to "get you" by calling you that, and it's working; so realize what he's doing and stop reacting to it. Sweetie, it really sounds like you're both out of control; you're dealing with each other strictly on a "get you back" basis and neither of you are able to deal with any amount of conflict at all without over-reacting.
I know you're totally freaking out at this point, but you need to try to take it down a notch. Some deep breathing and forcing yourself to slow your thinking would be helpful exercises for you. Your child will not hate you for a divorce. Why would you think you would be hated and/or blamed more than he would? Remember, you're not the one who wants the divorce he does, so if anyone is "blamed" by the kids, it's more likely to be him. But really, it's doubtful either of you will be blamed or hated. Anyway, you're going years into the future with this thinking and not only can you not predict how things will be in the future, there's just plain no point in looking that far ahead. Focus on yourself, staying calm and rational, focus on what you can control -- yourself and today. Realize that as much as you'd like him to decide to continue this marriage, it's not in your control to make happen. You can only decide for yourself, he decides for himself. Try to stop focusing on what he's decided to do or not do and deal with yourself. It sounds like he changes him mind every day or so anyway, so counting on whether he's "in" or "out" is nothing more than a roller coaster ride that you're choosing to get on board. Choose not to get on board again, know that whatever he decides today may change and likely means nothing. You're putting yourself through the wringer with every change, it's silly, it's pointless and it's not worth it. Don't get drawn in, don't put any stock in the "decision of the day", just focus on yourself and let it go. I would not even worry about talking to him about counseling anymore. I assume he knows where and when it is; if he doesn't tell him, "The counseling appointment is on Saturday at XXXX" I'll be there, I hope you decide to come too." and leave it at that, no more about it at all. On Saturday go to your appointment. If he goes, great, if not, it will do you a world of good to be there whether he's there or not.
Hang in there kiddo, you'll get through this. One way or another, things will be okay. Let us know how you're doing, okay?
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
It sounds like you are going through a lot right now. You will get through this. I really hope that you will continue with the counselling on your own even if he doesn't go. I know you want to "fix" your marriage, but it sounds like you need to work on "fixing" yourself first. I don't mean that in a bad way. It just sounds like your happiness depends on him. You are a strong woman, with a child, and one on the way. You don't need him to be happy. It sounds like there's a lot of drama on both sides and it's tooooo hard to live with all that drama in a relationship. If you really want to save your marriage can you ask him for a trial separation perhaps, a time out for you both to work on yourselves? Do you work? Do you have any hobbies? Family and friends nearby? It sounds like you need to get back in touch with things your enjoy and develop your self esteem and then you can work on a relationship. Why were you in the bathroom crying for 30 minutes because you were wished Happy Mothers Day? My fiance wished his mother a Happy Mothers Day but never said a word to me. That's just how he is, he doesn't think of those things and I had to accept that about it. Would I have loved for him to tell me Happy Mothers Day? (I have a daughter from previous marriage) Sure I would, but I'm not going to go cry over it. You sound under a lot of stress and I really hope you can step back from your marriage problems at the moment and work on yourself. Know that you are strong, capable, and you can do this with or without him. Find your friends, interest, hobbies and start enjoying life. When you are doing this, then maybe you two can work on your issues. Best of luck to you.
you need to seek therapy IMMEDIATELY irrespective of if he goes
You can not make someone love you --- as hard of a truth that can be to handle it is none less less a truth. This relationship sounds emotionally abusive and you desperation only makes it worse.
Hitting someone you supposedly love is never, ever, appropriate. You need to avoid situations where this is likely to occur and discuss coping strategies with a professional therapist. When you cross this line you are risking arrest and lots more in the divorce process.
This may all seem incredibly overwhelming, rest assured it is possible to find your way through, survive and eventually have a great life --- irrespective of whether you divorce or not.
Be strong for your kids and seek help and peace, P.
I agree with orangecuse44. You cannnot make someone love you. And for that matter, counselling will not help your marriage if he doesn't WANT to make it work. The very first question the counsellor will as you both is "do you want to make this work?". If he answers "no" then the counsellor is powerless to help your marriage.
(I went through this when my first marriage broke down. The counseller asked me that big question and I said "no". The counseller replied that there was nothing she could do to help and suggested therapy for my husband to help him deal with the situation)
From the way you describe your marriage, I'm not surprised that he wants out. Living in a state of constant marital warfare is a terrible way to live. Quite frankly, your children would be far better in a happy stable environment with a single parent than in the current situation. I'm sure that you will be much more content out of this situation.
Regarding him leaving you because you hit him. YES, being hit by your partner on two separate occaisions is a very good reason to leave a marriage. His decision is totally justified. Nobody should have to live with the risk of being hit.
Edited 5/18/2006 5:51 am ET by iv_aisha2004