help understanding his behavior?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2014
help understanding his behavior?
Tue, 08-05-2014 - 1:40am

I had been seeing this guy for about a year, he had just gotten out of a very long term relationship and his only real relationship ever. we decided to keep things kind of casual because of that, but I developed feelings. I think he did too since he said things like he "could" fall in love with me when I asked him. He helped me through a lot of stuff, he was truly a shoulder to lean on, and we would have such a good time together. It was very tense though sometimes and I stopped seeing him a few times even though I'd end up coming back again. Almost 6 months ago things ended abruptly and badly because he saw another guy kiss me out of nowhere, and i do admit I kissed the guy back, part of me wanted to make him jealous and I do feel bad about that, I was very drunk. he wouldn't talk to me and actually told me to fuck off, he had never ever talked to me like that it just shocked me, he always prided himself on being so easy going. then he called me late one night and i missed it, a few days later when I decided to call him back he said it had only been because he was "drunk and wanted to fuck." I was furious and hung up on him, it was again so out of character and so horrible to hear. I texted him the next day telling him the next time he was "drunk and wants to fuck"to forget my phone number (in caps) and that I didn't give a shit how he felt about me anymore. I heard nothing from him for months and we were both far from each other for like 5 months, up until a month ago I got a weird call from a number I think was him (almost 100% sure it was from his friend's phone) at 3 pm, and the next day a missed call from his actual phone number number, but this one was at 2 am. I've missed him the whole time and wondered why he had to act the way he did in the end, I feel like we never got a chance to get it right, but will he try to get in touch again? I really don't want to be the one to call him, and I'm scared he'll just tell me he called to fuck again, even though it's hard for me to believe he'd still be that cruel after all this time. he had done so much for me and was always so incredibly nice to me, it just doesn't make sense. I just hope he called because he wants to reconcile, and that he'll try again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2013
Tue, 08-05-2014 - 8:01am


This guy sounds like he is dangling you from a string and having you close then pushing you away so that he does not get too involved.  It is like it is him calling the shots. 

Forget about him, find a real man, not a boy playing childish games! 

More sex please, I'm British!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 08-05-2014 - 9:21am

This does not sound like a very good relationship even when you were in it if you had to end things "a few times" and you were only involved for a year.  Not to mention that you willingly kissed another man "partly to make him jealous."  these are not the signs of a good mature relationship.  Maybe he started dating too soon after he broke up with the other woman, or maybe he is just immature.  If a guy called me and then said it was only because he was drunk and wanted to F---, then I would be really mad at him and again, that is not what a mature adult does.  It was very rude--when he told you that, I assume he was not drunk so why say that to you at all?  I think you should just forget about him and his game playing.  Calling you and not leaving any message at 2:00 am--probably another drunk dial.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Tue, 08-05-2014 - 9:34am

As the others have said, it's best to forget him and move on to a real relationship, since that is obviously what you want. You tried the friends with benefits thing and of course you developed some of those pesky things called feelings, for him. You wanted more than FWB and he apparently didn't. He got jealous, got mad, but he still didn't want to put a ring on it, so to speak. So you are better off without him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Tue, 08-05-2014 - 9:34am

In my opinion, your actions were a lot worse than his. You stopped seeing him twice and then kissed another man. I would assume he thinks you're not a very good person to risk his heart on. He lashed out at you in anger because he cared about you. You said things got tense. I don't know what you mean by that. If you were arguing a lot, then maybe you should admit that you two are not compatible. You have two choices. One is to learn from your mistakes and don't repeat any of this behavior with a future partner.

The other option is to learn from your mistakes, and contact him and tell him you want to meet to apologize. Yes, he may reject you, but at least you can know you tried and have closure. So what if it hurts your dignity? You were the one who messed things up and it's up to you to fix it, even if it's embarassing. If he agrees to meet, I would tell him, "I was stupid and have realized what a good thing I messed up. I'd like to be exclusive with you because I love you and you're the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm no longer going to drink so much that I lose control. If we have arguments, I'm not going to leave. We're going to stay together and work it out. Can we start fresh and work it out?" If he agrees, discuss how the past negative things won't be brought up. Good luck in whatever you decide.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 08-05-2014 - 11:32pm

He was just out of a long term relationship.....and there you were.  It sounds like he drinks a lot......and you got a 2AM bootie call.....he admitted it.  Now you miss two calls, and you're asking if we think he wants to reconcile?  If he wanted to reconcile, he would have called you. not have his friend call you.....then he called again the next day.  You were together for a year, and if you can't "get it right" in a year, you will never get it right.  It's nice that he was "there for you" when you needed it......but he's not "there for you" now.......and hasn't been in a while.  You need to move on with your life!

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 08-06-2014 - 6:08pm

  Here is the deal neither is solidly committed.  Some guys are just as  romance fragile as some women.  You used him as your emotional crutch and being with you was his emotional crutch.   It does not sound like boundaries and expectations were discussed.  You must have wanted a different reaction by kissing another guy knowing he would see.  That is on you.  He called you because he was hurt and angry.  Then you reacted  with anger too. 

   The relationship will never be the same.   Now you must choose to make the 1st move and then discuss what should have been done long ago, boundaries and expectations.


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
Wed, 08-06-2014 - 8:32pm
I'm told him you don't give a sh** about how he felt about you anymore, and you expect him to want to reconcile?? What am I missing here? You wonder why he had to act the way he did? What about wondering why you acted the way YOU did? I don't think he's the jerk here...I think you have some growing up to do if you react to conflict by abandoning the relationship then returning, getting drunk, trying to make a guy jealous, and then telling him you don't give a sh** about him...and then expecting him to want a relationship with you. I'd take it as a learning experience. Next time you care about a guy and want him to stick around, don't behave the way you did with this one.