Help! what do I do??

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2010
Help! what do I do??
5
Fri, 02-05-2010 - 1:18pm

I posted to "Ask the Relationship Saver" but I really do need all the help I can get!


Hi everyone, I am new to posting! I feel like I have no where to go and no one to talk to and I am turning to you all for some support and possible answers.


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Fri, 02-05-2010 - 4:05pm

I don't know if he'll hear this coming from you, but his relationship with the other person online, even if platonic, will make it harder for your relationship to get better. That's because energy turned outward, by either of you, takes away from the energy to repair the relationship. Always. The same thing will happen if you turn outward for support and form an alliance with that person or people.

I know you say you want to do anything possible to save the relationship, but it is best done by not doing everything possible to save it. You sounds as though you are willing to throw yourself under the bus in order to keep him, but that won't work. He says you are unhappy, his complains make you more unhappy, it's a vicious cycle, more personal sacrifice is going to add to that cycle. If you can look inward and find out what is making you so unhappy, and you were to find a way to be sure of and content with yourself, then you will again become an attractive partner. If for whatever reason there are still too many hurdles to overcome and he leaves, you will have renewed confidence and ability to depend on *yourself* so that you can be okay no matter what. If he stays, your renewed energy will help breathe life into the relationship.

So two things, energy toward inward to problem solve as a team, not outward to form alliances with others. And looking to yourself for inner strength and happiness, no matter what happens.

The last thing I will say is I highly recommend finding a marriage and family therapist. Someone with an license in that discipline will have the designation LMFT though there are other counselors and therapists with other titles that have this sort of training and experience that might also be a good fit for you. If your husband can "work on his relationship" with this other woman, perhaps he would at least be willing to switch and now "work on it" with you and a trained professional who has experience at helping identify issues and develop positive change.

You can find one here: http://www.therapistlocator.net/

"The last of human freedoms - the ability to choose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances." - Viktor Frankl.



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Ten Rules for Being Human
"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2010
Fri, 02-05-2010 - 4:16pm

Thank you so much I appreciate your input and the link you provided. I called a therpist and I am waiting for a reply from him. All of your replies are so greatly appreciated. I was lost this morning and this message board has shed a little light and suport for me to move toward a happier place in my life. <3

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2010
Fri, 02-05-2010 - 11:45pm

I spoke to him today when I got home from work and asked him if he would be willing to end the relationship with her, and he said he didn't know.


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Sat, 02-06-2010 - 2:36pm

It's tricky. If you push him to end it he actually may resent you. I think the way you asked was excellent. You asked if he was willing to end it. His answer was unfortunate but honest, no. The reality is that an alliance outside of your marriage will impede any repairs to the marriage (this can happen with a friend, mother or sibling, not just a random person thousands of miles away), but he may need to come to that conclusion on his own and end it with her on his own terms. You are right that she can't possibly be unbiased hearing only his side. If you do end up going to counseling together the therapist (if properly trained) will remain balanced in both your sides, which is critical to helping.

So then what can you do? I think you work on yourself. There might be some improvements to the relationship if you do that, he might willingly give up the contact with her and focus his energy on your marriage when he sees you making positive changes. Until then, he's making his bed, isolation from you and emotional connection with her. So you are left to make yours, asking him to rejoin the marriage, and working toward self improvement so you are prepared for any outcome.

One other thing you might try, if she comes up again, and if you can say it without making it sound like an accusation is this: while you are willing to tolerate his friendship with her, you are not willing to tolerate an emotional affair. You can both google to find a definition of emotional affair and then it's up to him to set boundaries and be sure he is not crossing the line.

"The last of human freedoms - the ability to choose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances." - Viktor Frankl.



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Ten Rules for Being Human
"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-08-2010 - 3:33am
A belated welcome to the board, Bedazzled12 ~

I agree with what Harmony's suggested to you.

A few things that might be helpful....

In regard to talking to the other woman online, when/if you talk about it with him again, you might ask him how he'd feel if you were the one unhappy with him and you were talking to a guy online about it. Describing the situation in reverse may just help him see how it would feel if he were in your position, he may realize that he'd be pretty upset about you talking to a guy about problems too. I'm also posting links to a couple of articles on opposite sex friendships that might be helpful to you, or that you might want to print out and share with him:

Is it just friends or infidelity?
Is It Cheating?

In regard to a counselor, I would still urge you to see a counselor without him. I would also suggest telling him that you're planning to see a counselor on your own and ask him if he'd be willing to attend a session or two with you to help you explain his side of the problems accurately. If you don't think that would be successful, you might ask him if he'd be willing to go for a few sessions as a support to you. Sometimes those things help a reluctant husband feel their not going to counseling themselves, allowing them to go under other pretenses. Of course, the hope is that once they're there and engage their fears/concerns will be answered and they'll continue. If this male counselor works out for you, it's a great thing as men are more typically comfortable with a male therapist.










"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

~ Author unknown


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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"