Help!..5 year relationship going through a struggle, what should I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2011
Help!..5 year relationship going through a struggle, what should I do?
9
Tue, 08-30-2011 - 5:38am

Hello,

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years.

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
I assume there is some reason you don't just take the dog to your place and ask your boyfriend to spend more time at your place instead of his? Does your place not allow dogs?

I'm not sure this is really a relationship problem. He got a dog without your approval but you don't live together so it was his right to make that decision on his own, even if it was irresponsible to do so when he doesn't have the time to look after a pet. You don't like one of his roommates and rightfully so but that's not his fault. It's a difficult situation to be around someone you don't like, someone who admittedly sounds a little crazy (and I would not be comfortable leaving a dog alone with her when she claims to physically abuse her own).

But unfortunately, sometimes in life we have to regularly put up with people we don't get along with and there's not much we can do about it, at least not immediately. It sounds like you're not coping well with that fact, which does suggest you might be overreacting a bit and blaming him for something that is not entirely his fault. He IS actively trying to resolve the situation by finding a new place to live. What more do you want him to do? He may even feel guilty for putting you in this situation and your emotional outbursts just make him feel worse, which is why he tried to discourage them by ignoring you. Try communicating your feelings without getting overly emotional and try not to blame him for everything and he might be more willing to listen and sympathize.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2011

Thank you for your response.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Aha! More info! This is very helpful.

Continuing from the other board, now I understand why you can't just bring the dog (does he have a name? I feel uncomfortable calling him "the dog" when you care about him so much) to your parents' house. They don't have to be abnormally protective to not want their chihuahuas around a pitty who has already demonstrated dog aggression.

As a person who loves dogs, you realize that the dog (his name? his name?) is reacting to isolation, lack of exercise, lack of mental stimulation, lack of socialization all day. Although you do what you can, it's not enough. This dog deserves better, and you do, too. I hope your boyfriend will be able to make more humane accommodation for his pet very soon.
Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001

Welcome to the board, Dl4eva ~

It seems you've left quite a lot out here. I'm wondering why you'd so easily take the blame and say you were venting your anger at him because you felt that you didn't stand a chance at renting another place and would also indicate you have anger and anxiety issues when you posted on another just today that your boyfriend has cheated in the past and has recently started up a friendship with a female coworker.

Boyfriend friends with a girl at work and it's mak...



I have to tell you, when you only post part of the issue the advice you get is very inaccurate.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2011
Thank you for your response. It's hard to write everything because I think i will lose peoples interest. So what's going on is that I have these constant mixed feelings about our relationship. On the one hand I feel like we have a chance and on the other I feel like he doesn't have enough understanding to realize how I feel.

He acts like he does, but then starts texting this chick. Calling her the same exact cute name he called me today and then called her that. It's like our conversations are not unique. I feel like he would more likely respond to her texts than mine. I feel like he needs me around more than wants sometimes.

Right now he hasn't come home because he is out with his coworkers. It's 12:12 am right now. He stays out longer than he has to when he gets off work and it drives me crazy sometimes. I always try to get us to spend time together. He would rather go surfing, but my demands get him to comply sometimes.

We don't see each other that much and it bothers me that he sees this girl way more than he sees me. He has the opportunity to cheat again. He is bonding with this girl. I have no control over this situation. I try to. I try to get him to realize my side, but he is more concerned with how he feels.

I guess it would be very hard not be friendly with someone you work with, but texting after work and apologizing for not saying goodbye is showing that there is a careness for each other, although he claims she does that to everyone.

Tomorrow I may feel different about all this. My decisions do change drastically. I don't have much control over my decisions nor my emotions. I feel like I need to back away from him because I think he believes I will be around no matter what.

My biggest fear is that he will back away as well and not care that we are on the brink of leaving each other. I really dont know thats what he would do, but it crosses my mind all the time. I really don't know what I would do if he cheated on me again either. My life would feel empty and hopeless. I would feel like I am not enough and almost feel like I would not want to be living. im not saying I am suicidal, but it would be absolutely horrible.

I am so fearful of that, that I don't fully let my guard down. I check his phone constantly and always wonder if he's really doing what he says. He pleads with me though that he would never cheat again. He finds it offensive to think he is still who he was two years ago. He says why would I try to hook her up with my friend if I was interested. Cant really think of a response.

I must admit he has changed his ways a lot. But I am not convinced enough that he has control over his impulses. It is wrong that he is putting me in this situation to feel very insecure. it makes me feel very angry, but at the same time frustrated about not being able to express it without him becoming defensive and thinking I am crazy for thinking what I do.

I dunno, I know this all doesn't sound good. I love him and he loves me, but I know that the response will be love isn't always enough to stay together. But i just cant imagine being without him. His roommate wants me to move in and I accepted so now we technically we live together. Maybe that will resolve some resentment over me feeling like my presence is not accepted.

And he is still not home, it's 12:30am. I feel so alone. Maybe him and this girl would be better together. They have the benefit of being together for 8 hours a day almost, while I only see him about 2-3 hours each day, if that.

What I am writing right now is very pessimistic. Our relationship isn't always bad. We have a lot of goodness. When I am angry I start thinking about all the bad things so I am prepared to have ammo when we fight. Well thats about it.

Thanks for reading!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007

>>but my demands get him to comply sometimes<<

dl4eva, do you realise how wrong this is on so many levels?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2011

true blue strine, I phrased my whole issue wrong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I think you would benefit a lot from therapy.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001

Dl4eva, how old are you two?


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_