Help....don't know where to go

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2008
Help....don't know where to go
7
Fri, 03-02-2012 - 3:36am
Well I am 26, my boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years, have a 3yr old son, live in an apt, and I'm in school transitioning from lpn to rn. Lately there has been some tension between us. I confronted him the other day telling him I am unhappy. I know I am depressed what with school fulltime, work fulltime, I work at night, and no sleep schedule. But I feel like I'm being walked past all the time. He never asks me how I am feeling, am ok...bc no I'm not. I feel distant from him. And recently have been talking to an old friend, were friends with benefits when I was in hs, and he had been wanting to "get together" he has a gf as well but they are having serious problems. He tells me he wished things had turned out differently in the past between us. We think we want to try to be together...but we also want to make it work with our partners. He has a 1yr old. I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt my bf, I do love him, just don't feel that spark anymore. I've always had feelings for this other guy. we keep our distance from each other because we know what would happen...and we want it to, just don't want to cheat. Someone please help...I don't know if I'm just tired...been together 8 years and he hadn't asked me to mary him, I get financial aid not being married no, but what about the last 4 years I was out of school...help!!! never been in this situation

 

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Fri, 03-02-2012 - 6:50am
" just don't want to cheat"

I hate to break it to you but you are essentially already cheating. You are talking to this other guy about potentially starting a relationship together. If your boyfriend was talking like this with another woman, wouldn't you feel betrayed and cheated on?

You are looking for what you're missing with your boyfriend with someone else instead of resolving things with your boyfriend. It's a classic reason people cheat. When you told your boyfriend that you were unhappy, what was his response? Does he know how seriously you are considering breaking it off with him? Have you expressed the specific reasons why you feel the relationship is being neglected?

If not, you need to have another discussion with him to lay all these things out and if the two of you agree to put the effort into regaining what you're missing, cut all contact with the other guy. But if your boyfriend makes it clear that he's not interested in resolving the problem, the best thing to do is break it off with him. However, you need to let the other guy work out his own relationship problems - I still recommend cutting contact with him unless or until he is also single. And even then, ideally you should give yourselves some time after the break ups to move on before resuming contact.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2008
Sat, 03-03-2012 - 11:51pm
Well that is part of the problem. I have explained to him exactly what is bothering me, exactly how I feel and he says he doesn't see any problems. Said maybe I needed to be sent somewhere to get help. I'm not crazy just unhappy. And the very next day he acts as if our conversation never happened. My other friend said maybe my bf and I needed some distance because we are always together, I have friends I see but he doesn't have friends he sees. And yes I am keeping my distance from my friend, we don't see each other just talk. I feel like I'm being held down, I feel bad when I go see my friends because he doesn't have any. But I feel like I'm going to explode. I told him very plainly, I don't feel that spark anymore and we need to work on it...he won't work with me just said I needed to get help. I'm so confused. How do you get that spark back?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sun, 03-04-2012 - 3:53am

I'm going to be blunt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2008
Sun, 03-04-2012 - 11:42pm
Well we have been through this before and without problems. We discussed them together before deciding I could go back to school. We even moved back home to be closer to family. But lately I feel like he resents me for doing what I'm doing. We are always together. He doesn't have friends he hangs out with. I feel like I am suffocating. I even tried to get him to take our son to his mothers house an hour away today and he didn't want to but complained all day about having to be stuck at home or in this town. I had to sleep bc I worked last night. But didn't get much of that. I am afraid of hurting his feelings, but at the same time I feel like it may be my only way of helping myself. I now feel stuck, drowning, I feel like I need the space but don't know how to tell him. I have a friend who said I could come stay with her. I feel like I may need that but that it would only make things worse. Thank you for your input.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2008
Mon, 03-05-2012 - 12:55am
Well we have been through this before and without problems. We discussed them together before deciding I could go back to school. We even moved back home to be closer to family. But lately I feel like he resents me for doing what I'm doing. We are always together. He doesn't have friends he hangs out with. I feel like I am suffocating. I even tried to get him to take our son to his mothers house an hour away today and he didn't want to but complained all day about having to be stuck at home or in this town. I had to sleep bc I worked last night. But didn't get much of that. I am afraid of hurting his feelings, but at the same time I feel like it may be my only way of helping myself. I now feel stuck, drowning, I feel like I need the space but don't know how to tell him. I have a friend who said I could come stay with her. I feel like I may need that but that it would only make things worse. Thank you for your input.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2006
Mon, 03-05-2012 - 9:31am

I have been with the same guy for 8 years too. We have had our good times and we have had our bad times. I know it is difficult to "keep the spark" after so many years but it is possible. Some suggestions I have to keep the spark would be:

1. Make an attempt to "touch each other" it could be as simple as rubbing his back first thing in the morning or brushing his backside when you walk past him.

2. MAKE time to do something you enjoy together; go to a movie, go to a comedy show, cook dinner together, go out to dinner, etc.

3. Make sure you make time to be intimate. I know this may be difficult with work, school, a child, etc. but if there is a will, there is a way.

4. Experience something "new" together. I don't know where you live but look on line for some different things to do to revive your relationship.

If you still love him. You have to put in a fair effort to be together. You do not want to leave him for another guy, because you think "the grass is greener." I know this old flame may seem like all that you want, but chances are, you will have issues with him eventually too. No relationship is perfect...they take effort. And I don't think you talking to your old flame is necessarily "cheating" but I definitely think it is inappropriate...you are starting to have an emotional affair with him, talking about wanting to be with him...this is not OK and will only make it more difficult to try and make things right with your bf.

As far as not being married, do you express to your bf that you want to get married? Is there a reason he doesn't want to get married?

On another note, if you have expressed to him that you are not happy and he does seem to care how you are feeling, that may be an issue. Has he always been like this? Or like you said before, are you just so tired and stressed that you are extra sensitive to his actions?

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Tue, 03-06-2012 - 6:44am

He suggested you need to be "sent somewhere to get help" just because you feel the relationship needs some work? I'm sorry but this man has NO respect for you or your feelings. Anyone willing to dismiss how you're feeling in such an insulting and hurtful way is not someone you want to be with. In fact, it's one of the "Warning Signs That You're Dating A Loser":

http://www.mental-health-matters.com/component/content/article/171?start=1

"19. Discounted Feelings/Opinions "The Loser" is so self-involved and self-worshiping that the feelings and opinions of others are considered worthless. As the relationship continues and you begin to question what you are feeling or seeing in their behavior, you will be told that your feelings and opinions don't make sense, they're silly, and that you are emotionally disturbed to even think of such things. "The Loser" has no interest in your opinion or your feelings - but they will be disturbed and upset that you dare question their behavior. "The Loser" is extremely hostile toward criticism and often reacts with anger or rage when their behavior is questioned."

Maybe in his case, this is just a one-off and he's not normally like this. You haven't mentioned any other signs that he fits this or any other points of concern from that article. But even so, his denial and dismissal of your feelings is extremely disrespectful and concerning.