Help...I am at the end

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Help...I am at the end
3
Fri, 09-15-2006 - 2:43pm

I have been married to my husband for over a year and the first year was tough because we faught A LOT. Right before our first anniversary we had a really big fight and mostly it was my fault. I did a lot of sole searching a couple days after that and decided to start taking a positive attitude and work on the fights. Since then....the beginning of August we don't have blowouts. If there is an argument it will be 10-30 minutes at most and it will be resolved.

This past week my husband informed me he is extremently depressed. (background: he didn't graduate from college and has been working in restaurant businesses) He hates his job and he hates that he has never made much of himself. He has told me over and over again that he wants another job, he wants to go back to school...basically he wants to find a job making a lot of money and be happy. WELL...that isn't really realistic considering he doesn't have a degree. I am willing to work a 2nd job so we can pay for school and have extra money. He would get a job working about 30 hrs./week and go to school. This would help us in the future and make him a lot happier. WELL...he doesn't do ANYTHING about it and when I bring it up he feels like he isn't making the decision himself. I have sat back and looked at how I am acting and I am not pushing it unless he starts talking about it and then I help out. I am from the school of thinking where you decide what to do and do it without belly aching and stalling. He will be home during the day and not apply to jobs or research school. I haven't told him, but I know he doesn't do it because the history on his web browser says he on sports and "funny" websites all day. I really don't know what to do and if this keeps on he will get more depressed and it will effect us. I don't want a huge house or money to buy clothes or jewelry. I just want to have a family and have both of us happy. Can anyone relate or give me some advice. Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Sat, 09-16-2006 - 11:10am
Has he been evaluated for depression by his doctor? A person in the middle of depression may not really be able to force themselves to do long term plans. It feels like a dark cloud is over everything and sometimes just getting out of bed is about all that can be managed. If he is clinically depressed, then his doctor should be able to help get him the medication he might need to feel better. Once that's handled, then he might be better able to face planning for the future.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2006
Sat, 09-16-2006 - 3:26pm
Yeah...I agree ...get him to understand that he is depressed....then get him to the best phyciatrist you can find! This will probably help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-18-2006 - 12:10am
I don't know that him saying he's depressed means he's diagnosably depressed, saying and feeling depressed is something that comes and goes with all of us, it doesn't necessarily mean we need help, you know? If he truly has a depression problem, it needs to be addressed, but it's not something you can force, he'd have to deal with his own problem. I do think it's important to suggest he see his doctor and a therapist if he feels he has a depression problem.


The same goes for his education and job goals, if he wants it, he has to go after it, you can't do it for him. I agree with you, either take steps to get there or stop complaining about where you are. I think you should stop asking about what he's done to make further his education or job, he knows what he needs to do, it's up to him to do it. If he complains about his job I'd ask what he's done to change it; if he's done nothing I'd tell him until he takes action to make it change I'm not receptive to hearing his complaints. The responsibility is his, leave it where it belongs.


You mentioned problems and issues in your marriage (I assume before the job situation came to light?). I'm wondering, have your fights ended because you don't have issues or because you avoid dealing with them?








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