help..i need someone to talk to
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help..i need someone to talk to
| Wed, 08-02-2006 - 1:27pm |
I am 47, married for 24 years and just don't know where or who to turn to for help. I feel that I am in a marriage with no emotional or physical connections. My husband has an erectile disfunction problem. We haven't had sex for six months. The situation grows continually worse as the months pass by. I am very patient with him, I try to discuss it with no avail. My husband avoids all of my attempts to talk about it usually by stating he is too tired to talk or it's not the right time to talk now. My husband avoids all physical contact. I long to be held or even kissed good night. I have suggested counseling but he is resistant. There is no emotional connection in our marriage. I feel like i am married to someone made of stone. I do not understand how he can go month after month without any connection to me yet still stay in a marriage. As far as a medical problem, forget it...he is a physician and i feel he will not discuss his troubles with anyone in the community. I really do not know who to turn to.. please help.

mjrt1,
The problrm that your husband is facing is probably more harder on him then you.
Defleppardgal
How long has the problem been ongoing? Just 6 months or longer than that? How long have you felt there is no connection there?
Jen
Jen (Imasillynut) asked some good questions and I'll be interested to hear your answers.
I'm sure it won't be a surprise for you to know that your husband's reaction isn't unusual. His sexual ability speaks to his virility, manliness, in many ways it defines how he sees himself and his stature as a man. It's embarrassing, it's humiliating; so much so that he'd rather avoid any possibility of being faced with a sexual situation (where he may fail) than to show any affection at all. With that in mind, he'd sure as heck much rather avoid talking about it altogether than to face it.
I don't know how or when you're talking about it, but time, location and delivery are key. The bedroom is not a place to discuss it. When you're upset or frustrated is not a good time to talk about it (the frustrated part may be difficult, you have to at least be in control of your frustration). It's best to bring it up at a time when there are no problems that you're currently battling or upset about, and when there's enough uninterrupted time to have a discussion. A good way to begin is to tell him you have a problem you'd like his help with. Ask him to pick a time when he's ready to talk to you. That way, he's chosen a time that's convenient for him, he's ready to listen because he knows it's coming. Men are typically solvers, so he'll be ready to listen to help you with your problem. The problem, of course, is that you're very concerned and frustrated with the lack of affection and sexual contact as well. If you aren't, you should also be concerned for his medical health because ED can be a symptom of some serious heath problems -- diabetes for one. A few quick pointers for your talk are:
I've probably not told you anything you didn't already know. Even so, here are a few really good, therapist approved articles on constructive arguing that might help you in your talk with him:
Ten Rules For Fair Fighting
Verbal Fencing With Someone You Love
Dos and Don'ts For Fair Fighting
I do think your first step in looking for a resolution to this is for him to see his doctor for a complete check up. His doctor needs to know what problems he's having before he does the exam; that will help him/her know what tests to order, what specific things to be looking for. If the doctor finds nothing he may be referred to a urologist, it's pretty common.
Have you already tried talking to him in the manner I suggested? If so, I assume it got you nowhere? Let me know; I have a couple other things to suggest, but I'll hold off until I hear from you; that way I'll know whether they're appropriate or not.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"