Help....I'm at a loss
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Help....I'm at a loss
| Sun, 03-26-2006 - 5:02pm |
My b/f and I have been together for 8 years, we have seperate houses and we both have 13 year old children. Over the past 8 years, I've wanted to settle down, get a house together and get married to him, he wanted nothing to do with that....he cheated and lied so many times I don't even remember...but I was a different person then, I took it - all the emotional abuse from him and would always take him back. In the past 6 months, I took a promotion in my career - doing very well for myself, making almost the same as he is (he's a cop for 10 yrs) I have alot of extra responsibilities and now drive 30 mins to work (instead of 10) He's questioning everything about me, my job, the way I dress for work (business suits and heels), my hair, and the straw that broke the camels back.....he's questioning why I decided to get contacts instead of wearing glasses....he's the one with the history of cheating!!! Okay so now a month ago he comes to me and wants tme to sell my house and give him the profits to fix up his so we can live there...then in 6 yrs when our kids are going to college we can sell and move to the Carolina's where I really want to be too...this is a man, who hasn't even gone a whole year without cheating....and when things don't go his way, he turns his cell phone off and ignores me until he is ready to talk..... I have been mean to him lately, really just sticking up for myself, something I never did in the past, but it is making our relationship worse. I feel bad, I do love him.....I just can't continue to do this anymore......any suggestions????

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Hi blueyedgirltoo
After all you've said about your relationship, I'm at a loss to understand why you love him and why you're still with him at all. Basically, he doesn't appear to show you respect in any sense of the word.
Perhaps you could give us some info on the reasons you didn't send him packing long ago?
You have everything you need to make it on your own. Actually you are already doing it.
Peace,
Di
***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***
>>that's what I said to him, and he said "he realizes that he should have done this a long time ago: and now all he does is complain that I am a different person, a bitch, etc - when all it really is ----is that I have more self esteem and am standing up to him. I told him that I needed to see consistency in our relationship before I made any kind of house selling deal....and he basically barked at that saying what now I have a time frame....if he wants it - he'd do it, and at this point, I'm not backing down...which is 90% of our arguements these days....<<
(picking my jaw up from the keyboard - totally shocked at how he speaks to you)
You say that he's behaving better these days....but if this is an example of his GOOD behaviour, I'd hate to have seen him in years past. If this is as good as it gets, you've got to get away from him. Nobody deserves to be treated this poorly.
This situation should have huge red flags flying for you, Blueyedgirltoo. He's had the same history for eight years. People don't change, he hasn't changed. What's changed is you, and now that you've changed, he's trying everything he can to get you to "change back". He doesn't like the new you, the confident woman who can handle herself and make her own life, he wants the old girl back, the one who struggled, the one who *needed* him, the one who put up with his cheating because she was too afraid and had too little self esteem to put an end to it. I promise you, he'll "change" and be that great guy you've always wanted just long enough for you to go back to your old self. Once that happens, all bets are off and he's the same guy he's always been -- the real him.
A couple of thoughts: People don't change, not just at the drop of a hat and not because someone else wants them to. Making real changes in your behavior is hard; it takes time and very, very hard work -- and a lot of each -- and it takes a lot of therapy too. You have to not like who you are and/or how you behave in order to have the kind of drive, desire and dedication to do the long, hard work it takes to make the change. The drive has to come from within. So, in your situation, besides his announcement that he's changed, what's he done differently? What steps has he taken to show the kind of work that's necessary to make such drastic changes? Someone who's cheated for eight years isn't going to stop. He's proven his character for the last eight years, he's justified it, not learned it was wrong and stopped. He's done it again and again. "Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior". What I'm seeing is that you changed and he's not so secure that he can walk all over and take you for granted anymore (rather, he's not so sure you'll accept his taking you for granted anymore) now, suddenly, after eight years, he's making all these *changes* and dangling incentives in front of you that you've always wanted (living together/marriage, Carolinas, etc.) but for the last eight years he's been uninterested in considering. Stop, take a step back and take a good hard look at this, all of it for the last eight years.
I'm sure he hasn't offered anything up, but you have every right and reason to ask him, exactly how does he plan to make these changes? What does he plan to do differently to assure they won't happen again? If he doesn't have a plan, it's because he hasn't put any thought into it, and if he hasn't put any thought into it, it's because he doesn't really intend to follow through.
I really, really urge you to consider seeing a counselor/therapist to take a look at why you've been willing to accept someone who cheats for so long, why you think you deserve this kind of treatment. It's important.
At the absolute least, I would suggest that you tell him nothing's going to change, period for at least the next year. If, after that amount of time you see him taking the steps necessary to make the kind of changes he's saying he wants to make (therapy) you might consider moving forward with your relationship. But, doing anything before that time would be foolish, would destroy what you've built and would play right into his hands. Be smart, if you sit tight and things really do change (not him just going to therapy, but making the changes that have to go along with that) no harm done, you can move forward; but if you sit tight and he doesn't follow through with what this "new him", not having made changes will be an incredibly good thing.
For what it's worth, I'm with the others, you need to leave him behind and move on with your life. I do understand it's scary to consider, I left when I was terrified to do so, but you've been on your own all this time; making your way is not a problem. Thinking that you'll be alone for the rest of your life is more likely what holds you there, but I think you'll find you have more offers than you'll know what to do with. What you have now is someone who will not be faithful, staying with him means staying with someone that you know will continue to be with other women (do you know police officers have a very high rate of infidelity?). Is being with "someone/anyone" so important to you that it's worth being with someone who cheats on you? You're better than that.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Oh, Blueyedgirltoo, I am so sorry.
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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