Help....I'm at a loss
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Help....I'm at a loss
| Sun, 03-26-2006 - 5:02pm |
My b/f and I have been together for 8 years, we have seperate houses and we both have 13 year old children. Over the past 8 years, I've wanted to settle down, get a house together and get married to him, he wanted nothing to do with that....he cheated and lied so many times I don't even remember...but I was a different person then, I took it - all the emotional abuse from him and would always take him back. In the past 6 months, I took a promotion in my career - doing very well for myself, making almost the same as he is (he's a cop for 10 yrs) I have alot of extra responsibilities and now drive 30 mins to work (instead of 10) He's questioning everything about me, my job, the way I dress for work (business suits and heels), my hair, and the straw that broke the camels back.....he's questioning why I decided to get contacts instead of wearing glasses....he's the one with the history of cheating!!! Okay so now a month ago he comes to me and wants tme to sell my house and give him the profits to fix up his so we can live there...then in 6 yrs when our kids are going to college we can sell and move to the Carolina's where I really want to be too...this is a man, who hasn't even gone a whole year without cheating....and when things don't go his way, he turns his cell phone off and ignores me until he is ready to talk..... I have been mean to him lately, really just sticking up for myself, something I never did in the past, but it is making our relationship worse. I feel bad, I do love him.....I just can't continue to do this anymore......any suggestions????

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oh {{{blueyedgirltoo}}...I'm sooo sorry. You deserve better, but I know that's not too comforting right now.
Just let yourself go with what you feel. Your going through a grieving period and will feel many emotions.
Get some rest, eat something, don't drink or drug, try to exercise some, be in the anger too if it's there and then cry some more...crying is cathartic and healing.
Keep posting..we'll help you through it.
comforting {{HUG}}
withclarity
Good evening blueyedgirltoo:
I'm glad to see that you are still going with your son. It'll do you good and your son good....keep you occupied and re-focus for a while.
Losing a relationship is not easy and like you said you are feeling a little crazy. That's ok :)...you WILL get through this...with time.
After some time, you'll want to reflect back on this relationship and find the lesson and blessing...when you can, then you'll be ready to move forward...to love again.
{{BIG HUG}}
withclarity
Well sheesh, Blueyed, knowing that it's typical of him to ruin vacation plans just puts the icing on the cake for me with this guy. A real jewel, huh? I understand though, that this time he's done more than *just* ruin a vacation (no small thing when he's hurting your son in the process), he's ended your relationship, and seeing it coming or not, it's a blow and it hurts. Same with whether you knew it's a good thing in the end or not, it still hurts. I've had relationships with guys that I knew were not right for me and it still felt like the world was never going to be good again, I'd never be happy or stop crying again. I know, I know, I know.
You need to remind yourself that not only is having this relationship over a good thing, but eventually you'll feel like it's a good thing too -- your emotions will eventually be in agreement with your logic. Make a list of the things he's done to you -- the cheating, the ruined vacations, the poor treatment, everything he's done that's lousy and hurtful and when you really feel down, pull out your list and read it (you'll probably do this a lot at first). It'll help you remember things in a more reality based sense. Time and emotions have a way of telling us things weren't so bad and somehow have us only remembering the good times. I don't know how or why, but the bad stuff just vanishes from your memory banks and really makes you feel awful. Keeping it more real will help you. You might even print out your posts and responses to reread.
There are so many things that weren't right about this guy, and they're things that weren't going to change -- the cheating, the lack of respect and so much more. Like you said here, you believe (and I believe you're right) that you becoming stronger and demanding respect is what he couldn't accept. A partner should be your supporter, your cheerleader, your top fan. He should have been cheering you on as you got stronger and you shouldn't have had to demand respect. The fact that he couldn't take it tells you he wants a woman in a lower position, someone he can walk on. That should be all you need to know. Please remember that.
Huge hugs, Blueyed. Keep checking in and let us know how you're doing. We care. Vent all you need.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Hi, thank you again - This is hard to deal with but I know that I need to do it....he's really left me no choice. His small acts of change just weren't good enough and he's proven that it didn't and wouldn't last very long. The truth for me hurts alot, I can't imagine life with out him, yet when I focus on the things that have gone wrong, I can actually breathe a sigh of relief.....I know that these feeling of hurt will pass with time, just wish it didn't have to be this way - looking back, I wish I had the courage to leave 8 years ago when he started cheating, wish I would have thought more of myself back then....
Thanks for listening,
((hugs)) blyeyedgirltoo
Huge hugs, Blueyedgirltoo. You've got a great attitude. Being sad is normal and expected, keeping it real will take you very far and get you through this so much faster. Having spent 17 years in a dysfunctional marriage myself, I completely understand kicking yourself for having spent eight years where you did. I did plenty of that myself.
I know you can't imagine life without him now, but believe me, there will be life. And I'm betting not only will you be surprised at how much life there is you'll really wonder why you were satisfied with so little for so long.
It'll get better. It'll take a bit of time, but it will.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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