Her son sleeps in the bed every night and I can't sleep

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2010
Her son sleeps in the bed every night and I can't sleep
19
Wed, 12-01-2010 - 2:53am

I've been seeing someone for over a year now and it's pretty serious.

She's a wonderful, caring person with

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Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001

Welcome to the board, Alwaysaknight ~

You are just as entitled to want and to sleep the way it's most preferred to you as she is.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004

Just as the other poster said, it is your right to get a good nights sleep but it is also her right to sleep with her son if she wishes. So no you are not being unreasonable.

I personally question a little having a 9 year old sleep in your bed but I understand there are those who advocate this.

I had a GF for a while and she had a teenage son and daughter. Her daughter often slept in her bed with her during the week and sometimes her son would. When I started sleeping there on the weekends neither of them slept with us and I would never have slept with her if it meant one of her kids in the bed too. Too weird, especially as they were almost adults.

I suppose it is more common among single mothers, they are somewhat lonely perhaps and like having their kids in the bed. In my situation, I thought my GF coddled her daughter way too much and I think this sleeping together was probably an extension of this coddling. Probably some overcompensating for the lack of a father figure, guilt over not providing them a father, etc.

The larger issue is her son sleeping in the bed at all and if and when this will stop. The near-term issue is you getting a good nights sleep. Lack of sleep is one of the biggest risk factors for getting sick. You have to do what you have to do to take care of yourself and your health. Go and find some info on the web about lack of sleep and show her.

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Registered: 04-16-2008

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009

Nine is WAY too old for that. If he seems to be a normal child, and she just enjoys sleeping with him, I'd be really worried about her. I'm concerned that she has some serious issues with dependency and that you are beginning to see that it's going to degrade your quality of life if you stay with her.

I believe you when you say you were calm and reasonable about how you broached the subject.

I think if it were me, and I had a good relationship with her son, I would ask him in confidence if he would rather sleep in his own bed. Nine is old enough to have opinions about this, and I wonder if anyone has ever asked him what HE wants. If he is tossing and turning at night that would indicate that he's not sleeping well either.

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Registered: 10-03-2007

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Registered: 04-07-2010

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2010

Thanks to everyone for the feedback!

I agree that my girlfriend has the right to decide where her son sleeps and so on. If she says it's non-negotiable, it's non-negotiable.

We had a talk last night. She voiced her concern that her son is anxious of losing his mum as this new man -- me -- comes into between their relationship. I already know that he really likes me but wants his mum and dad to get back together. Something that his mum says won't happen.

Therefore, she is not prepared to ask him to return to his bed. Not occasionally, not rarely, not ever. I didn't ask what age she would expect him to stop this behaviour but she did tell me that her friend -- who has a son of the same age -- stays in the bed in the parental bed also.

I understand and sympathise with her reasoning. I don't want to come in between the two of them. I said this to her. I said I wouldn't ask her to change the sleeping arrangement on this basis.

Therefore I am left to decide between staying at hers and getting a terrible nights sleep or returning to my apartment, from time to time, to catch up on sleep. I said to her that if I can't get a good nights sleep at hers, then I need to stay at mine sometimes to catch up on sleep. I tried to explain the negative consequences of bad sleep.

This is where our talk went downhill. My girlfriend reacted badly to this. She said a few things that didn't sit well with me:

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2010

Dear Mark,

I am a bit taken aback at your girlfriend's response. She sounds inflexible. This may be the crux of it all, the ambivalence and anxiety about both the new and old relationships.

"We had a talk last night. She voiced her concern that her son is anxious of losing his mum as this new man -- me -- comes into between their relationship. I already know that he really likes me but wants his mum and dad to get back together. Something that his mum says won't happen."

I don't know how long you have been together or your ages, whether you've been in other relationships, but now it is evident that her unyielding view is the tip of an iceberg that may not melt, and if you really have such strong feelings for this lady you might just have to take this to a therapist's couch and learn to negotiate. I would not go into a longterm committed relationship the way things are now. She sounds like a "it's my way or the highway" kind of gal. You might need a little separation time to think things through.

In your case this is not the "parental bed;" you are not the parent. And how can you have/enjoy a healthy, relaxed, intimate life with this lady under the circumstances? It sounds like you are sacrificing much of yourself, and I think you know it and just need to feel reassured that your feelings aren't off the wall. Your lady friend appears to have her own issues to resolve;

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004

Wow yes this woman is very inflexible and very her way or the highway as the other poster put it. Her 4 talking points are ridiculous. Of course many people have trouble with lack of sleep, but generally you try to resolve the issue, and all the logical resolutions ot this issue she is shooting down. Overall a very selfish attitude, not being able to see your needs at all, only hers. You say you are in love with her and she has many wonderful aspects. I am suprised that some amount of selfishness is not apparent in other areas of the relationship when it comes through so loud and clear in this area?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009

Count me in with the "shocked" crowd here. You are an extremely patient and understanding person. But you can only sacrifice so much for someone before you become their doormat. If she says her son sleeping in the bed is non-negotiable, then in order for you to stay in the relationship while taking care of your own basic human needs, then you need to stay in your apartment and make that your non-negotiable issue. If she can't understand that, attacks you over whether or not you should have children, and will not make your needs a priority, then I don't know why you think she is so "wonderful".

To me, the measure of someone's "wonderfulness" is not how they act when things are great and there are no problems... It's not how cute they are or how great their hugs are or how nice they are... It's how they act during situations like these. Your "wonderful" girlfriend is telling you quite plainly that she doesn't think much of your needs at all.

I'm bothered that she said "I need a man who understands me, and you do not understand me". She's taking your request to have your needs fulfilled and turning it around by threatening you. And yes... This is a THREAT. It means "change or I'm leaving".

You seem like a great catch. I think you will have to put your foot down about sleeping in your apartment (it is the fair thing to do for BOTH of you) and let her either accept it or follow through with her stupid "I need a man who understands me" card.

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