Here's another one....I know, I know
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| Mon, 07-17-2006 - 8:11pm |
I haven't been here for a while but here I am again. Here's another one of our fights:
We were doing good until over this past weekend we decided to go golfing. I am driving in the golf cart and after I hit my shot, I drive over to where my husband is and here's how the conversation goes:
Hubby: WATCH OUT YOU ARE ABOUT TO DRIVE OVER MY CLUB (says this excitedly)(His club was laying on the grass and I didn't see it)
Me: I'm sorry (geniunely)
Hubby: **picks up his club and says see (as he points to the club head cover) you were about to drive over my club in fact you can see the tire mark
Me: Ok, I'm sorry (getting annoyed that he has to point this out a 2nd time) **I know how is he about his golf club, so if he said it ONLY once it would have been ok.
Hubby: I'm sorry I just got a little bit excited because you were about to drive over my golf club (3rd time he has mentioned it -- he has to gone on and on and on)
Me: I said I was sorry
Hubby: I know but I'm just saying I'm sorry
Me: Its ok, I deserve it (***thinking you don't need to keep telling me over and over again that I'm about to run over your golf club - I get the message on the FIRST time you mentioned it)
Hubby: So, what? I can't get excited. I wasn't yelling at you, I was yelling to you
Me: I kept telling you I was sorry
So, now we leave the golf course and waste more $ (this is not the first time we have left in the middle of the round)
We then head to my car and starting world war 3 and then head home continuing world war 3.
Usually when I drive, we put our wedding ring in the coin tray (which is on the driver's side) and after the round I had him in ring. But this time since we were in the middle of world war 3, I didn't.
When we get home, we are inside. As I'm about to take my dog outside, I noticed that my hubby has put on his ring (I still have mine in the coin tray) and he grabs a bottle of water and doesn't say a word and leaves. I'm thinking when he usually leaves, he goes play a round of golf....so I thought.
So again out of character on my part (usually I stay home and wait for him) I decided to time in somewhat perfectly. I leave the house just about the time I think he will come back (because I don't want to see him) and I'm turning into the casino, my hubby is leaving the casino. He never saw me but I saw him. I thought that was funny. My turn to stay for a few hours and then I leave and go home. We don't really say a word. Another fight unresolved.
The next morning (Sunday) he is going to play golf with a friend that is here from out of town. After 9 hours of not hearing from him (he left early in the morning), I leave him a message. I leave him a 2nd message after not hearing from him after an hour. Then I get a call...but its his mom. She says since I can't get a hold of her son (my hubby) she wants me to pass the message to him. I say ok. After an hour later I leave a 3rd message because I checked on a news website about all the grass fires and accident as well as they had to shut down a major highway. So, I am a little worred. I texted message my hubby stating to call or text me. Still nothing
After 12 1/2 hours when he left this morning, I hear the garage door opening. I go out to the garage to meet him. He already has a chip on his shoulder. Here's the conversation:
Me: Where were you
Hubby: I went golfing, the went to the casino and now I'm home
Hubby: I tried calling you after golfing but there was no signal
Me: I was worried about you. I left several message
Hubby: Why were you worried about me. Did you think you would loose me?
Me: No, I was on a couple of news website and read about all the grass fires, accidents and major highway shutting down
Hubby: Ok. Thank you
Me: I wish you would have called me when you got to the casino
We both walk into the house
Me: Why couldn't you have called (**feeling frustrated and angry that he really didn't make a good attempt at calling me.)
Me: You have no respect for me. Its a simple courtesy gesture to have called
Hubby: That is exactly why I didn't want to call
By this time we are both yelling and screaming and I'm following him room to room (as usual)
Me: I just don't understand why you couldn't call
Hubby: Because I don't want this to happen (arguing)
Me: **thinking don't you realize just a quick simple call would have made me less worried
Hubby: If I made a quick call you would have been all over my case. That's why I didn't call
Me: Why couldn't you have texted message me
Hubby: Was there a reason why you wanted to get a hold of me?
Hubby: Are you afraid you might not get any money? Are you afraid you might not get a paycheck
Me: **thinking what the hell is he talking about (by the way, I'm unemployed but looking for work)
Me: I'm not in the marriage for the $ (he's not rich) and I know he doesn't have any ill-feelings with me because I'm unemployed. Besides, I still get an unemployment check.
Me: I still love you
Hubby: Yea, ok
Me: **I have to admit, I said a few choice words that I can say here (he pushed my buttons)
Hubby: Well, what a lovely thing to hear
Me: I have no idea what you are talking about the with paycheck stuff. It bull crap.
Hubby: Oh yea, I don't want to go golfing with you ever again. All you do is blame and criticize. We all have bad shots and get frustrated. But when I have a bad shot and get frustrated, you always say "Why are you getting mad at me" and then the whole golf course can hear you
Me: What? Why?
Hubby: Are you going to keep pushing me and try to back me in a corner
Hubby: Go ahead and keep pushing and I'll get the marriage annulled so fast, is that what you want?
Me: I can't force you to stay
Me: Why is it that you always have to ask that in a question? Do you want a divorce? Is that what you want (referring getting the marriage annulled). Why do you ask it in a question? If you want out, just say so.
Hubby: Don't push it
Me: I have no idea....
Hubby: Ok, that's it. We are done (**goes into the bedroom)
Me: I am so confused, I have no idea...
Hubby: Would you like me to paint a closer picture, don't push it
Hubby: You bring out the worst in me
Me: Ok. (**I left for 2 hours)
Went over to an ex-boyfriend's house to talk....that's all we did was talk. After calming my nerves down went back home. He was watching t.v. and I was tired so I asked him (in a nice way) to turn down the volume so I can sleep. Instead he turned off the t.v. and went to his computer.
So, today, he came home and he remembered to wear his ring...to be honest, I wasn't sure what would happen when he got home. We were cordial and then he said he's going golfing. He didn't invite me. So, now I'm sitting at home and it really stings. You know when people get angry that they sometimes say something that they might regret....well I was hoping he was regreting the statement when he said he doesn't want to golf with me ever.
I don't know. Maybe he needs time to himself. That's why I didn't make him feel guilty. But it still stings. I feel like I'm being punished. I really do have an empty feeling in my heart.
By the way, I've been going to counseling but he doesn't know it. And it doesn't help when one of the partner only goes...in order to patch things up in the marriage, BOTH parties need to go. But at least I tried.
Edited 7/17/2006 8:14 pm ET by casey0201

Regarding my hubby not inviting me to go golfing. Once things settle down, maybe he might change his mind. I really hope so. I really hope he didn't mean it. That would be heartbreaking to me. I wish I could say something NOW, but I don't think this is a good time considering we just had world war 3 over the weekend.
This just breaks my heart. But I think what is really sad, he doesn't feel the same way.
casey0201,
Ok, I've noticed one thing in all of your posts about all of your conversations and fights.
Defleppardgal
I really liked the blue font you used. It stands out very clearly. Thanks By the way, how did you create the blue font?
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I have mentioned this to my hubby many times and he always says "when I see you get mad, then I get mad"
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That is exactly what my counselor stated. She said that was very good of him to apologize and that he mentioned the reason why he was apologizing (getting excited about his golf club). I told my counselor that his apology wasn't good enough because I didn't think my 2 apologies was good enough for him because of the fact he had to keep telling me over and over about the golf club. Therefore when he apologized, I was already feeling the blame (like my mom did to me)
I told my counselor that when I was growing up my mom used to harp all the time and when my hubby kept talking about his golf club, it triggered some childhood memories. The funny things is I told myself I would never be like my mom (blaming, criticizing and harping) and that's exactly what I've become...a duplicate of my mom.
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I know I probably should have given him his ring however, I wasn't really feeling the love. And like I mentioned before, I was out of character.
When my hubby left for the golf course today, I know its just been one day since our HUGH arguement, but I was thinking that I really don't want to do separate things throughout our whole marriage.
I have a good friend that doesn't do hardly anything with her hubby and I always thought "man, I hope my marriage will never be like that". And I'm still hoping it won't be.
You are worried about golfing with him again. You have to be kidding. You need a wake up call. As near as I can tell you two should not be allowed to speak to each other again. Those arguments are so childish. They have nothing to do with golf and calling each other, they have everything to do with a profound lack of lack of respect for each other that most likely relates to a total lack of respect for yourselves. Spend your marriage doing separate things....trust me you keep talking to each other like this and this will be the least of your worries.
Do you talk to the other people in your life that you love like this? This is your life partner, the love of your life. You have a long road in front of you (maybe) full of all sorts of twists and turns, highs and lows. Marriage is supposed to be about love, trust, empathy, caring, support, and RESPECT. I hear none of that in your described communication patterns with your husband (from either of you). Even your apologies sound fake to me. What in god's name is going to happen when you have an issue in your lives bigger than a minor miscalculation on driving the golf cart, or a mis hit drive.....it is a frigtening prospect. There is absolutely no money in your shared emotional bank account and your relationship is emotionally bankrupt.
How about making a rule neither party is to speak to the other except to say something nice, positive, or helpful? The rest of the time just enjoy the silence.
Really my advice is find a way to deescalate this thing even if that means separating and get some intense counseling to understand what is worng with you that you think that you can talk to someone you love like this and they they have to accept it.
Good luck, P.
Wow...your post sounded callous however, thanks for taking the time to post.
You are right about the lack of respect. But as far as you think me apologies are fake, you are far from it. I guess that's all part of a message board...you can't "hear" the person's tone of voice.
I never once said I was in the right in any of this. I just shared with everyone on something my counselor and I discussed about my childhood - meaning my mom blamed, criticized and harped on me all the time. So with sharing that painful memories with everyone here on the board, I get ridiculed by being called "childish".
That wasn't easy to share, but thanks everyone for your help.
I want that loving feeling again
Need some suggestions
My hubby and I have tension
Things are better but.......
Here's one of our "stupid" fights
Delicate Subject
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
casey0201,
I am able to do different color's because I upgraded my memebership.
Defleppardgal
Casey, I find myself thinking exactly the same thing as I wrote in your last post about fighting. YOU HAVE TO LEARN TO HOLD YOUR TONGUE.
Defleppardgirl and your counsellor are dead right when they said you should have stopped the arguements when he apologised. Yes, I get that he didn't accept your apology first time, however we all know that two wrongs don't make a right. Just because he did the wrong thing doesn't make it OK for you to follow.
And I also agree with Orangecuse...this would have to be one of the most childish fights that I've ever heard. This whole two day arguement started because he worried too much about his golf clubs and you couldn't let it go.
Lastly, he may be very serious about not golfing with you again. Knowing how often the two of you fight when golfing, I'd have to say it's the most sensible thing I've heard.
It was meant to be rough...a wake up call as I said in the beginning.
Your apologies (and his) seem fake not cause of your tone of voice but because they don't represent your true feelings and the arguments just go on and on right past them.
You have to admit fighting over "almost running over a golf club" sounds pretty childish in the grand scheme of things. Golf is a leisure activity....a game....recreation....and it was "ALMOST"....even if golf is a passion doesn't this seem a little crazy to be having a huge fight over this (and I am not saying this is all your fault).
You (both) are just so caught up in what looks like irrelevant minutae, heaping mounds of hurt on each other, that it appears to me that you have lost your perspective on what two people who love each other are supposed to feel and act like ---- for whatever reason (blame him, blame your respective pasts, blame the dog, blame the guy that services the golf carts...it doesn't matter IMO).
This is not at the level of you (both) need to just to or say a couple of things differently...this is at the level that you (both) need an intervention. How do two people that love each other talk to each other and treat each other????
Sorry if I hurt your feelings, I am trying to help you take a BIG step back, away from the minutae and any specific situation, and think about this from a much higher level....and then act accordingly.
Truly wishing you the best, P.
When you get to the place where reconciliation is more important to you than being right, then you know you have made progress.
Peace,
Di
***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***