Here's one of our "stupid" fights

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Registered: 05-22-2006
Here's one of our "stupid" fights
22
Sat, 06-24-2006 - 7:13pm

For those that have been reading my threads, I have mentioned that me and my hubby often fight about "stupid" stuff. I did give one example in my first thread about me being wishy-washy after dinner. There were many posters wanting to know what kind of "stupid" fights we would have. Since this fight happened last night, it is still fresh in my mind.

Hubby: I need to ask you a question and I don't want you to be offended. I was wondering if you wash your hands after you use the bathroom. If you do wash your hands, then its all good, but if you don't, do you think you could start...I'm just funny that way. Because there have been times to where after you go to the bathroom, you are out of there quick and then I think "did she wash her hands". (**Now, the whole time while he is talking, I could really tell he was nervous) By the way, my hubby is very hygiene clean to a tee -- always washes his hands, takes frequent showers, etc)

Me: Yes, I wash my hands after I use the bathroom. (**I must admit, after I answered his question, I'm in total shock and after my shock wears thin, now I'm starting to feel offended thinking that he is "implying" that I'm not clean)

After I answer him, he goes off and takes a shower. And then during this time is when I really start to stew and its really eating at me. After he finishes taking a shower, he goes into the other room and works on his computer. I follow him and the conversation goes like this:

Me: Hey is 8:00a.m. good for getting up before our tee time
Hubby: Yes, that's fine.
Me: It kind of bothered me that you had to ask if I wash my hands. I felt you were implying that I wasn't clean.
Hubby: No, I wasn't "implying" that you weren't clean...it was just something I needed to bring up. Like I said, I'm funny that way.
Me: I wish you could have brought it up kind of jokingly..."hey, you do wash your hands, right"...ha,ha,ha
Hubby: But its not a joking matter to me
Me: Well, now you are giving me that impression that I'm not clean enough for you
Hubby: See, this is why I didn't want to bring it up.
Me: What IF I get up in the wee hours of the morning like 2:00a.m. or 3:00a.m. to go to the bathroom and I forget to wash my hands. Sorry, my brain isn't fully functional at that time to where I'm going to remember.

** By this time the yelling/screaming start

Hubby: Then don't wash your hands

Me: "Thinking he is "implying" that I'm never going to wash my hands. So, I say to him there will be times I forget like you do when you don't remember to put your wedding ring back on (**My hubby can't wear his ring at work due to saftety reason, therefore, he puts it back on when he gets in the car....providng that he doesn't forget. However, many times he has. He knows this is "important" to me because I believe wearing our wedding rings symbolizes the bond we have in this marraige. So, the times that I have asked him "how come you forgot to put your wedding ring back on....he replies "I forget". And it sounds so insensitive and it hurts my feelings.) Anways, back to the original problem. I continue on by saying "there will be times I will forget just like you do when you forget to put your wedding ring back on.
Hubby: Therefore, you are going to be vindictive.
Me: I never said I was going to be vindictive. I'm just letting you know I'm only human that if I forget then I'm letting you know. Kind of like you do with your wedding ring.
Hubby: Forget it, all your doing is making up excuses.
Me: Now, you know how I feel when you don't remember to put your wedding ring back on and all you say is "I forgot". That to me is an excuse.
Hubby: Look, I was simply asking you about if you wash your hands. Never mind, let's just let it go.
Me: Bullcrap
Hubby: You are just like my sister, you can't just let it go. (**Thank goodness he didn't say I was like his 1st or 2nd wife)
Me: Things have really been going good for us lately...being affectionate, and not feeling any tension or distance.
Hubby: Ok
Me: Forget it.

And then we go to bed angry not resolving it.

The next morning, which is today, after he takes his shower, I somewhat wake up. He asks me if I want coffee, so being hurt, I guess I had that tone in my voice...I guess stating that I always want coffee. And then he replies, never mind, let's not go golfing because we still have that aura from the night before and right now. So, I said fine.

After a while I say

Me: I'm sorry for the way I reacted. I didn't respect your feelings and I know you weren't trying to be mean. I promise to do a better job in respecting your feelings. Again, I'm sorry for the way I reacted.
Hubby: That's ok. We don't need to relive it. Its over and done with.
Me: Its not ok. I need to do a better job in respecting your feelings and I'm sorry...then I give him a kiss on the cheek.

After a few hours go by, he's in one room and I'm in other. And we are "silent". I was hoping that when I said "I'm sorry" that things would be ok. When I gave him the kiss on the cheeck, I was hoping to kiss and make up.

I go into the other room and I asked him if he is still mad at me. He replies no. Evertyhing is good. And I said no there not. Then he proceeds to tell me that not everything can go your way. Just because you apologize that everything is not going to be coshere. You need to let me be me. Sometimes I don't even know my own feelings. So, then we again argue.

I decided to go for a drive and after I come back, I asked him why can't we make amends.

Me: I was hoping after I apologized that we can make amends and continue the way we had been before this arguement)
Hubby: I tell you I don't know my own feelings. I felt we were ok and things are just going on.
Me: But I was hoping that we can go on "together"
Hubby: We are going on "together"...we still are married...as far as I know we are still married.
Me: But..
Hubby: Then just DIVORCE me or you can just accept things. Its your choice. I just don't feel I'm good enough for you.
Me: *SHOCKED* that he mentioned "DIVORCE"
Hubby: Do you know what I think a marriage is? Its about "ACCEPTANCE". However, you think marriage needs work everyday and that's where we differ
Me: Ok.

I leave again for the next couple of hours.

Sorry, this is long, but I wanted to give you guys a thorough example. And now I'm on the pc and my hubby is playing a game of golf.

What do you guys think?

Edited 6/24/2006 7:37 pm ET by casey0201

Edited 6/24/2006 7:39 pm ET by casey0201




Edited 6/24/2006 8:12 pm ET by casey0201
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 6:01pm

Casey,


What about couples counseling?

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 6:31pm

>>**after we argued, several hours go by.
Hubby: Do you want to golf
Me: I thought you said you didn't want to golf
Hubby: Well, I've been watching some golf on tv and getting the itch to go.
Me: Well, the course that you suggested, I'm pretty sure its golf cart only, therefore you wouldn't be able to walk the course.......(and onto another fight)<<

Casey, I think that by offering to play golf he was reaching out an olive branch to you. Assuming that you like to play golf with him, this would have been a far better response on your part:

Hubby: do you want to golf
Me: Yes, that sounds lovely.
Hubby: I thought we could play at the course I saw on TV
Me: cool - whenever you're ready.

See the difference? No arguements!! Even if you do have doubts that he could walk that far, it's not your place to comment on that. He's a grown man and can made decisions for himself.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 3:09pm

I'm really starting to understand the "philosophical" differences. What I don't get is why not just say "We are people that think 2 different ways" instead of "we are philosphical different". Why add the word "philosphical"?

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I think I need to do better in this area. Maybe the way things going the way they are, I don't focus the way I would if things were going good.

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You brought up something that hits the nail right on the head. Now if my hubby and I can only find a way to solve this maybe it will alleviate some of the tension.

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He's already told me he won't go. He told me the other day that he thinks marriage is "tolerance, accepting and compromise".

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I agree with you there, however

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I disagree with the above statement. I think when he with holds affection its because he doesn't feel I want him, therefore he puts a wall up OR he may be adjusting to the way I am (which is being non-affectionate)

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I didn't say he couldn't walk the course. Some golf courses will not allow golfers to walk. He was the one that walked the last time we went to the same course he was suggesting the other day. And the only reason why he walked was because he "felt" the starting of a fight, therefore, in order to not start a fight, he walked. Believe me, he can walk for miles.

Like I said in my last posts, I'm just really confused and not at all feeling like initiating any type of affection right now. I have initiated any affection these last few days. Personally, I don't even think he's noticed me initiating alot more affection. He probably thinks I'll go back to my original state and that is NOT initiating any affection at all (before the 2 weeks of me initiating affection) and that's why he probably hasn't even said a damn thing about me making an effort. And to me that's kind of sad.




Edited 6/27/2006 3:17 pm ET by casey0201
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2006
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 4:00pm

Hello,

I want to say first that it's great you are both sticking with the marriage, wanting to work everything out. I read your post about your arguement. My Husband is very much like yours in the clean respect. He absolutey can't stand grass on the carpet. If my shoes bring in 2 blades of grass, he'd want it vacuumed up. He's pretty much a clean freak too. I can see where your husbands initial question about the washing of the hands might have bothered you. You asked him later if he couldn't have possibly said it in a joking way. Did you consider instead maybe replying in a joking way? I once said to my husband in a joking way, while laughing, "you do realize that you are anal about the grass on the floor right honey?" and then out of respect for something he feels strongly about, I vacuumed it up. Maybe a little grass brought in on our shoes means nothing to me, but it's big to him. I accept that we are different people and see things differently, and that is ok.

I would also say that I wouldn't assume that he's not noticing you being more loving and affectionate. Sometimes men notice things and just don't say anything. Sometimes my guy will make a comment about something I had no idea he was paying attention too. Men are funny that way. Often they are just not as verbal about this kind of thing.

As for your fight, as another poster said, you should always stick with the subject of the fight and not bring in unresolved arguments. When you approached him about the tension in the air perhaps he didn't want to talk then because he was afraid you two would end up rehashing the arguement again. My husband and I both just need some time to ourselves after an arguement, just a little time to regroup, and recompose ourselves. I imagine that's what your husband needed too. It's great that you apologized. You might try apologizing, giving him a hug and a kiss, and then walking away to let him have a little time. When he was ready, he came to you and asked you to golf.

My husband is higher stress than me, and I am low stress. Often he'll make a comment such as the one yours did. It's taken some time but I've learned that it's his personality, comments like that for him aren't meant in a negative way. To me it doesn't sound as if your husband did either. Maybe just laughing it off and saying "sure I was my hands honey, except for in the middle of the night, I just might forget then". I'd probably even walk over to my man and say "see, clean hands" give him a kiss, and then go back to my cooking, or whatever.

Good luck to you both.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 4:07pm

**He's already told me he won't go. He told me the other day that he thinks marriage is "tolerance, accepting and compromise".


Have you asked him how well this stance is working for him?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 6:45pm

Caesy, as you've combined comments from a couple of different posters, I'll just reply to some of this.

>>What I don't get is why not just say "We are people that think 2 different ways" instead of "we are philosphical different". Why add the word "philosphical"?>>

Casey, stop nit picking. We've explained what your husband means, you now understand, let it go.

>>Couples counselling<< Go on your own. This has been suggested to you many times by different posters. Even if only you learns to fight fairly, it will be a vast improvement.

>>I didn't say he couldn't walk the course. Some golf courses will not allow golfers to walk. He was the one that ....<<

OK. Whatever. My main point was that you started to argue instead of accepting his olive branch. Again, assuming you wanted to play golf, your correct answer would have been "Yes, I'd love to play golf with you".

>>Like I said in my last posts, I'm just really confused and not at all feeling like initiating any type of affection right now. I have initiated any affection these last few days. Personally, I don't even think he's noticed me initiating alot more affection. He probably thinks I'll go back to my original state and that is NOT initiating any affection at all (before the 2 weeks of me initiating affection) and that's why he probably hasn't even said a damn thing about me making an effort. And to me that's kind of sad.<<

Just a few posts ago, I told you that you were being unrealisitic if you expected 2 weeks of initiating affection to make any difference. And I've also told you that affection is only part of the problem. From where I stand, I see all this fighting as a BIGGER problem than affection. And his comments about appreciating the peace over the past couple of weeks seem to concur.


Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 5:51pm

ldack1 - Thank You for your advice/suggestions. You made some good points that I will keep in mind.

iv_aisha - What will I do without you (ha, ha) Seriously, thanks for your input too.

The other day when my hubby and I went golfing, it actually turned out pretty good. As soon as we got finished with the golf round, my hubby stated to set another tee time for another course within the next few days.

Gotta admit, I'm a little cautious because not trying to sound negative, I just don't want to push it just because we got along great for THIS one round of golf.

When my hubby comes home from work, he turns on the pc and starts working on his pc. How can I "gently" suggest to him that it would be nice to just have time ALONE just for 10-15 minutes, just the 2 of us, without any distractions.

I'm trying to think of little ways to communicate more. He says "we don't talk". I guess I don't really talk is because I don't want us to fight, therefore, I'm usually silent.

I'm hoping to find more ways to communicate to bring us closer together (when we aren't fighting).

Any suggestions?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 6:10pm

>>When my hubby comes home from work, he turns on the pc and starts working on his pc. How can I "gently" suggest to him that it would be nice to just have time ALONE just for 10-15 minutes, just the 2 of us, without any distractions.<<

I could be wrong, but I would guess that him sitting on the PC is his equivalent of what you've said in the next paragraph

>>I guess I don't really talk is because I don't want us to fight, therefore, I'm usually silent.<<

I wouldn't mind betting that he's using the PC as shelter from potential fights - just as you use silence. The two of you are using different tools to meet the same end.

To be honest, I wouldn't encourage him off the PC just yet. Instead, simply work on not fighting when you ARE together. When the two of you manage to have a few weeks without yelling, and you're feeling less silent and more confident about talking - THEN will be the time to address getting him off the PC a bit more.

Also, consider the fact that he may naturally come off the PC if there are less fights and things are happier. You may not need to say anything at all.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2006
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 2:06pm

Hello,

I think the other poster is right not to push spending more time together right now, but having a good time together when you do. I also wouldn't try getting him off the PC. He may see that as you nagging cause he's on the PC. That may be his way to unwind after work. My husband has to do something the minute he gets home. I can guarantee there's not one blade of grass that ever gets too tall and we have a large farm. He never comes home on any day and just spends time with me immediately. He might ask me to help him mow, week, work on the tractor, or whatever, but we always get things done first. I would suggest leaving him a sticky note on his computer screen saying "I love you", or walk by while he's on the PC, give him a hug and a quick kiss and then walk on, or ask if you can bring him a drink or something. I took my husband a glass of lemonaide out to the garden yesterday and he was sooo appreciative. Just look for little ways here and there to show him a little affection. When you are spending time together make a real conscious effort not to argue. As they say "think before you speak". If you do end up saying something that comes out wrong, or like it may be argumentative, immediately explain what you meant to say. For example the other night my husbands son called and I asked "what did he want"? Well, I didn't mean it quite like it came out so I said "what I meant to say is how is he, and is everything ok"? If you are wanting to spend a little more time alone could you ask him if the two of you could have a date night this weekend, go to the movie, or whatever you like to do. Maybe during the movie you could reach over and hold his hand. I'd really like to hear how things go so keep us informed ok? Good Luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 1:59pm

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That's very good advice. I'll try doing this but I got to admit, him being on the PC and "trying" to have a conversation with me, I just don't feel he "really" hears me. Many times I think "he thinks he knows what I'm going to say", but he's far from it. I think that's why I'm silent, because I really don't think he hears me. But, you do have a point.

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I've thought about the above statement many times.

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That's why I haven't mentioned about the PC. I don't want to think I'm nagging about something. For the last several months, I've noticed something that kind of bothers me and I really don't know how to bring this up. When we were dating, we used to do laundry together. We would just start grabbing any clothes, regardless if it was his or mine, and start folding...kind of like working as a team. I know, probably trivial, but at least it made me feel like it was a "team" and not you fold your clothes and I'll fold mine. Anyways, when he's at work, I'll go ahead and fold all our clothes and hang up his shirts and pants. But I noticed he doesn't hang up my shirt/pants. He just lays it on the bed. This bothers me. Because it makes me feel I'm hanging up all his clothes, but he can't just hang up one shirt of mine.

I really don't want to bring this up because he would probably think I'm nagging, but it just makes me feel like we really aren't a team and I want to be a team in this marriage. I don't want this marriage to be you do your thing and I'll do mine. I guess things have changed even with trivial stuff such as laundry.