Here's one of our "stupid" fights

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Here's one of our "stupid" fights
22
Sat, 06-24-2006 - 7:13pm

For those that have been reading my threads, I have mentioned that me and my hubby often fight about "stupid" stuff. I did give one example in my first thread about me being wishy-washy after dinner. There were many posters wanting to know what kind of "stupid" fights we would have. Since this fight happened last night, it is still fresh in my mind.

Hubby: I need to ask you a question and I don't want you to be offended. I was wondering if you wash your hands after you use the bathroom. If you do wash your hands, then its all good, but if you don't, do you think you could start...I'm just funny that way. Because there have been times to where after you go to the bathroom, you are out of there quick and then I think "did she wash her hands". (**Now, the whole time while he is talking, I could really tell he was nervous) By the way, my hubby is very hygiene clean to a tee -- always washes his hands, takes frequent showers, etc)

Me: Yes, I wash my hands after I use the bathroom. (**I must admit, after I answered his question, I'm in total shock and after my shock wears thin, now I'm starting to feel offended thinking that he is "implying" that I'm not clean)

After I answer him, he goes off and takes a shower. And then during this time is when I really start to stew and its really eating at me. After he finishes taking a shower, he goes into the other room and works on his computer. I follow him and the conversation goes like this:

Me: Hey is 8:00a.m. good for getting up before our tee time
Hubby: Yes, that's fine.
Me: It kind of bothered me that you had to ask if I wash my hands. I felt you were implying that I wasn't clean.
Hubby: No, I wasn't "implying" that you weren't clean...it was just something I needed to bring up. Like I said, I'm funny that way.
Me: I wish you could have brought it up kind of jokingly..."hey, you do wash your hands, right"...ha,ha,ha
Hubby: But its not a joking matter to me
Me: Well, now you are giving me that impression that I'm not clean enough for you
Hubby: See, this is why I didn't want to bring it up.
Me: What IF I get up in the wee hours of the morning like 2:00a.m. or 3:00a.m. to go to the bathroom and I forget to wash my hands. Sorry, my brain isn't fully functional at that time to where I'm going to remember.

** By this time the yelling/screaming start

Hubby: Then don't wash your hands

Me: "Thinking he is "implying" that I'm never going to wash my hands. So, I say to him there will be times I forget like you do when you don't remember to put your wedding ring back on (**My hubby can't wear his ring at work due to saftety reason, therefore, he puts it back on when he gets in the car....providng that he doesn't forget. However, many times he has. He knows this is "important" to me because I believe wearing our wedding rings symbolizes the bond we have in this marraige. So, the times that I have asked him "how come you forgot to put your wedding ring back on....he replies "I forget". And it sounds so insensitive and it hurts my feelings.) Anways, back to the original problem. I continue on by saying "there will be times I will forget just like you do when you forget to put your wedding ring back on.
Hubby: Therefore, you are going to be vindictive.
Me: I never said I was going to be vindictive. I'm just letting you know I'm only human that if I forget then I'm letting you know. Kind of like you do with your wedding ring.
Hubby: Forget it, all your doing is making up excuses.
Me: Now, you know how I feel when you don't remember to put your wedding ring back on and all you say is "I forgot". That to me is an excuse.
Hubby: Look, I was simply asking you about if you wash your hands. Never mind, let's just let it go.
Me: Bullcrap
Hubby: You are just like my sister, you can't just let it go. (**Thank goodness he didn't say I was like his 1st or 2nd wife)
Me: Things have really been going good for us lately...being affectionate, and not feeling any tension or distance.
Hubby: Ok
Me: Forget it.

And then we go to bed angry not resolving it.

The next morning, which is today, after he takes his shower, I somewhat wake up. He asks me if I want coffee, so being hurt, I guess I had that tone in my voice...I guess stating that I always want coffee. And then he replies, never mind, let's not go golfing because we still have that aura from the night before and right now. So, I said fine.

After a while I say

Me: I'm sorry for the way I reacted. I didn't respect your feelings and I know you weren't trying to be mean. I promise to do a better job in respecting your feelings. Again, I'm sorry for the way I reacted.
Hubby: That's ok. We don't need to relive it. Its over and done with.
Me: Its not ok. I need to do a better job in respecting your feelings and I'm sorry...then I give him a kiss on the cheek.

After a few hours go by, he's in one room and I'm in other. And we are "silent". I was hoping that when I said "I'm sorry" that things would be ok. When I gave him the kiss on the cheeck, I was hoping to kiss and make up.

I go into the other room and I asked him if he is still mad at me. He replies no. Evertyhing is good. And I said no there not. Then he proceeds to tell me that not everything can go your way. Just because you apologize that everything is not going to be coshere. You need to let me be me. Sometimes I don't even know my own feelings. So, then we again argue.

I decided to go for a drive and after I come back, I asked him why can't we make amends.

Me: I was hoping after I apologized that we can make amends and continue the way we had been before this arguement)
Hubby: I tell you I don't know my own feelings. I felt we were ok and things are just going on.
Me: But I was hoping that we can go on "together"
Hubby: We are going on "together"...we still are married...as far as I know we are still married.
Me: But..
Hubby: Then just DIVORCE me or you can just accept things. Its your choice. I just don't feel I'm good enough for you.
Me: *SHOCKED* that he mentioned "DIVORCE"
Hubby: Do you know what I think a marriage is? Its about "ACCEPTANCE". However, you think marriage needs work everyday and that's where we differ
Me: Ok.

I leave again for the next couple of hours.

Sorry, this is long, but I wanted to give you guys a thorough example. And now I'm on the pc and my hubby is playing a game of golf.

What do you guys think?

Edited 6/24/2006 7:37 pm ET by casey0201

Edited 6/24/2006 7:39 pm ET by casey0201




Edited 6/24/2006 8:12 pm ET by casey0201

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 6:05pm

Of course you want to communicate with your husband... the survival of your marriage depends on it. But trust me, it's not going to help if you keep marching up to your husband while he's on the computer (or whatever he's doing) and asking for "a talk." That is a classic "women are from venus and men are from mars" scenario. Because while YOUR intention is merely to try and clear the air, what HE hears is you COMPLAINING that he's not talking to you. By the time you've said "we need to talk," he has shut himself off from you... not because he doesn't care about you, but because he wants to avoid what he fears will be an unpleasant confrontation. That's just the way some men are. You can beat your head against that brick wall until it's bloody, but you can't control the way he thinks or feels. All you can do is change your own approach and your own level of acceptance.

It's clear that you and your husband are both quite frustrated at this point. I read your "argument transcripts," and I think you did a marvelous job conveying the essence of your conversations with your hubby in a very honest and thorough way, btw. But hon, you won't progress in this relationship by needling your husband and trying to get him to see where he's wrong and you're right. All that jazz you brought up about walking on the golf course was just unnecessary. It WAS nitpicky. I'm glad you did eventually go golfing and had a nice time together. But next time, just agree to go or say you'd rather not go. Saying "Sure, I'll go, but here's where your idea is bad.." is just like shooting bullets into his little happy suggestion. It takes the joy out of it.

I do understand that you might have felt a bad after he asked you if you always wash your hands after using the toilet. He took a big risk in asking you that question, because he already knew how sensitive you are and that you would be offended. But it was obviously something that has been worrying him for some time. Maybe he never should have asked you that question. But I think that was more a lapse in judgment on his part... it doesn't mean he thinks YOU are unclean. My boyfriend is very anal about certain household chores. We got into some major fights about our different styles of cleaning when we first moved in together. Things got much better once I realized he wasn't saying I was "dirty"... just that he's used to things being done in a certain way. I calmly told him several months ago that there are some things I do the way I do and I won't change them. There are many other things that I will do the way HE likes them... because I can and because it doesn't kill me to adjust. And vice versa. Since then, he has been much better about holding his tongue over the "small stuff" and acknowledging my contributions, and I have been much better about accepting him the way he is.

The next time your husband says something that would normally rankle you and make you want to confront him, just STOP, breathe and say "Ok, let me think about that for a while." Then either change the subject or go away from him for a while. While you're thinking, try to put yourself in his shoes... think about what he might be dealing with that would cause him to make the statement. If you empathasize with him instead of concentrating on your feelings, you might find the words to respond that will lead to a satisfying conversation for both of you, rather than another argument.

But ultimately, I hope your husband will agree to couple's counseling. I really think you need a professional's help to help you identify "red zones" in the way you speak to each other.

I wish you well and look forward to hearing how things are going.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 6:43pm

Thanks jilly for your advice.




Edited 7/7/2006 3:23 pm ET by casey0201

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