Herpes

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2006
Herpes
7
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 5:44pm
In plain view the other day on my fiance's computer was a journal entry he must have been reading a few minutes earlier. He had asked me to go into his office to get him a pen, and I read some of what was on his screen (I know, I know). After being with him now for almost 4 years, I now find out from this journal entry that his exwife had herpes and that he and she had unprotected sex during times when she wasn't having an outbreak. OMG! I can't believe this. Why after all these years and getting engaged and everything would he not have told me? He told me before we ever had sex that he had been thoroughly checked out and that he was fine; however, about a month ago, I noticed a bump like a pimple on my lower butt cheek, almost at my private area. About 2-1/2 years ago, I noticed something on my inner labia but dismissed it as irritation or something. Now I think otherwise! I know that you can get herpes from someone even when there are no signs of it on a person's genitals or skin, so he probably has it. I have never seen anything suspicious on him anywhere, but then again, we only have sex about once every couple of weeks, and I do remember a time about 2 years ago when we didn't do it for 3 weeks because he was too busy to come over, etc. How should I confront him about this: "I was snooping in your stuff and found out that you've kept something from me and irresponsibly put my health at risk??" I've thought about getting a blood test but hear that they are inaccurate. I have read about herpes virus encephalitis and shingles, etc. Which is worse: Me reading his private stuff (even though he left it on the screen; screen saver wasn't even activated yet) or him keeping something from me that could be detrimental to my health? I know he'll be mad, and rightfully so, if I tell him I read it, but maybe I shouldn't care about his anger and tell him anyway because of him putting my health in danger. Please help me to decide what to do or how to address this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: pamhere
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 12:52am

Welcome to the board, Pamhere, I understand your dilemma and I'm sorry for what you must be going through.


I think you already know snooping wasn't the right thing to have done, but at this point, it's not something to concern yourself about, you know? Tell him you're very concerned and upset about a serious situation you became aware of. Tell him that when you went to get his pen, his computer was up, the word "herpes" caught your eye and you read the entry. Then ask him for an explanation about what you read and how he could keep this important information from you. IMO if, when you approach the subject his reaction is anger regarding his open computer, he'll be trying to shift the focus off this very serious subject and away from the fact that he's chosen not to disclose a very serious health concern to you.


I would also suggest you see your doctor as soon as possible to discuss your exposure. S/he will be able to address the accuracy of testing and your best decisions from here.


You're probably not in any frame of mind to be answering other questions, but why do you only have sex every couple of weeks?


Let us know how it goes.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
In reply to: pamhere
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 1:29pm

pamhere,

I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this situation. It's a bad one. In my personal opinion reading his journal entry is no where near the level of lying to your partner about a sexual disease that isn't curable. I'm sorry, next to what he has done to you, he does not have any right to be mad. He has put your heath at risk and that is way more of a crime then reading someone's journal. It's dissrespectful and appauling that someone would do that. I'm sorry for the rant. :)

Best of luck,
Defleppardgal

Defleppardgal

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2005
In reply to: pamhere
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 9:29am

First of all, are you sure he knew about her herpes at the time he was with her??

Second, I also have herpes, which I was completely unaware of until last October (I strongly suspect it was my last boyfriend, however, as I discovered he was cheating on me indiscriminately). I told my new boyfriend, now fiance about it, and we researched it a bit together. My doctor told me 20% of the population has genital herpes, but many never have an outbreak. I could have picked this up any time... from age 18 when I became sexually active to now... age 34. Herpes comes out more often when you're stressed, so try to take it easy on yourself. I've had maybe 3 outbreaks since then, so at the first sign of that "tingly" feeling, I start Valtrex for 5 days and don't have sex during that time. My boyfriend and I have unprotected sex when I don't have an outbreak. He basically said he doesn't plan on being with anyone but me for the rest of our lives, and he may already have it anyway because we'd had unprotected sex for 2 months prior. The only thing I need to consider is (if I have another child) I would have to have a C-section if I have an outbreak at the time of delivery.

I was devastated when I first found out, but it's really not a big deal anymore. As my doctor predicted, the outbreaks are less severe each time, and they occur in the same spot. I get one small sore on my inner labia, but not anywhere else. The next time you have a sore, just go see the doctor to make sure that's what it is.

I-Village has a herpes message board and I've visited it a few times. You may find helpful info there, including addressing the problem you put in your post. Bottom line is this: make sure that what you have IS herpes, and talk to your fiance frankly. Be honest about your feelings, and fess up to seeing his journal. If he loves you and looks at the situation honestly, he'll see that you both made mistakes.

I wish you luck and, if you ever want to talk about it, let me know. I understand!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: pamhere
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 1:56am

Pam? What did you decide to do? How did it go?








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2006
In reply to: pamhere
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 7:26am

Hello, and thanks for asking! I have decided to get a blood test from the doctor. I know they're not very accurate, but I will still get one. I'm getting it this Wednesday. If it turns out negative, I will just drop the subject unless I see anything else odd "down there." If I notice anything else down there, I will have it cultured. If the blood test turns out positive, or if anything that gets cultured is positive, I will have to have a talk with my fiance about the results and ask him again if his exwife had it and if he knew about it (which I already know but want to give him a chance to tell me himself and explain himself). After I have either a positive blood test or positive culture, if he still denies that his exwife had it, then I will show him the part of his journal that talks about it (I printed that page out) and go from there.

Thank you again for asking,
Pam

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
In reply to: pamhere
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 3:43pm

You don't think it's important to find out for sure whether he's had exposure to herpes or not? If you wait until you see something "down there" it'll be too late because you'll already be positive for herpes. I guess as long as you stay married to the guy who gave it to you, it wouldn't be a big deal?

IMO there's something important that should be considered before you go further. As it stands, it seems likely that your fiance knew he had been exposed to the STD, and was sexually active with you without notifying you of the facts so you could make knowledgeable decisions. That, to me is concerning. What does that say about his morals? What other decisions is he making for you, or not bothering to discuss with you? How much of an equal partner will you be to this man? If his choice not to tell you was based in fear, what else will he be afraid to tell you, and again, how does a moral, respectable person knowingly expose someone to a disease? Whatever way you look at this, it's not a loving, caring, concerned thing to have done. If, as one poster suggested, he didn't know his wife had herpes until recently, he had an obligation to tell you as soon as he became aware of it.

I personally would not be willing to just let it go. The choice to not inform you is a serious one and colors many areas outside the bedroom.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: pamhere
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 11:34pm

Thanks for letting us know your decision, Pam. I have to say that I think Lurker made some good points and raised some valid concerns. I agree that if your situation is as it seems, his deciding not to inform you raises some concerns about his character, entitlement, and other issues. How does he generally treat you, does he make decisions for the two of you? Without discussing them with you first? Do you feel that he sees you as an equal partner? How do you feel about being exposed without being presented with the information before hand so you could make an informed decision?








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"