He's becoming posessive....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2006
He's becoming posessive....
16
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 2:54pm

Hey,

I'm new to this board so hi to all! Here is a little background information. I just recently got married, a few months ago. My husband and I have a very loving, very affectionate relationship. Now that we're married, however I find that he's becoming jealous and kind of posessive. Firstly, he keeps making comments about how I'm much more attractive than him and that. He's just gone on a diet. He had put on a bit of weight and it made him self conscious, even affected our sex life. We're working on that and I try to tell him that I find him as attractive as ever, which I do, I'm crazy about him. He goes on about how he doesn't deserve me and how perfect I am, which I hate. He doesn't like it if I wear a short skirt and gets angry if another guy so much as looks at me. He was NEVER like this before. He is a really sweet and caring person.

Also, I moved here from the UK to be with him. We had dated there for a year then came to the States and got married. I do get very homesick at times and I guess I do kind of feel like I had to give up everything. I think this is what's causing him to become posessive. Basically, he's terrified that one day I'll just pick up and go back there. He even said jokingly that he'd have to get me pregnant to 'seal the deal'. I want to add that he has no reason to think that I would leave him. I'm trying my best to make a new start here but I'm not allowed to work yet because of immigration. It has been difficult, we have financial problems but I want this marriage to work. I think that this change in him is because of my being homesick, I hope it is. How do I make him see that I'm not going anywhere? Any advice?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2006
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 7:39pm

Hey shelly,

Wow,can i relate. My situation is a bit different though. I'm not married,and i moved to the US from Canada. My boyfriend and i met online,and i came to visit him in his US city and loved it. I had always wanted to live in a big city anyway,so i didn't exactly move here just for him. I'm 22, and i didn't have to give up much by leaving-not alot of friends,minimal family,etc. My work situation has caused major problems. When i came out here, i had a job as an online cam model. It was good money and i was able to do it here since it's internet work and i was paid under the table anyway.He knew all about my job,and was ok with it for the longest time. Gradually though,it started to bother him,as our relationship grew more serious. I ended up quitting,because i understood his feelings about it, and i didn't want to that job ahead of the relationship,as he is very important to me. Anyway, trying to find a job "under the table" has been really difficult. I want to go to school,but i'm kind of waiting to see what happens in other areas for citizenship first so i don't have to pay an international rate.

Sometimes he says things like "you should just go back to Canada, and everything will be so much easier for you,you'll have a car,a job,you can go to school,etc etc" . The thing is, as much as times are tough right now, i do feel at home here now and that my future is here,and hopefully with him.He is also in the middle of a divorce which makes things even more stressful and i think his reactions to things will simmer down more when that stress is gone.He does worry that what we have is too good to be true,that i will eventually get fed up with my situation and his, and leave him. It's very easy for me to reassure him because i know in my heart that i want to be with him and that things could work out very well for us. But it can get frustrating..a relationship needs trust.

Anyway,I don't have a ton of advice for you, just thought i could relate a little. Sometimes poeple change drastically after marriage-i can't remember if you mentioned or not in your post,wether he is a US citizen or is he from where you are from as well? I'm guessing he isn't a us citizen..as i know a TON on immigration and if that were the case you would be able to work upon marrying him here,once the paperwork is sorted out.

If you ever want to talk or vent email me at doublemalibu@aim.com

Jessica

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 1:50am

Welcome to the board, Shelly0984 ~ To start with I have lots more questions than answers. Getting your answers will help me have a better picture of your situation so I'll be better able to offer you suggestions that apply and can help.


I have to say that I don't understand how you feeling homesick would cause him to feel angry and jealous when guys look at you? How do you see that as being a potential cause? When he gets angry and jealous, what does he do? Can you describe a typical scenario to me? I will say that I found his jealousy added along to his joking comment about "sealing the deal" with pregnancy to be very alarming.


How long have you been married? I'm assuming part of your relationship was long distance, but I could be wrong, I know you said you dated for a year, is that how long were you physically together or was part of that long distance? If your actual time together was less than a year, how long were you physically together before you married? Also, how old are each of you? Thanks in advance for your answers!







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 2:03am

Hi Jess_0883 ~ I know you haven't asked for any advice, but I wanted to comment on something that you mentioned. A person who changes drastically after marriage is a warning sign. It indicates that the person you thought you knew isn't who this person really is at all, and that the situation you'd married into isn't what you thought you were marrying. It's an indication of very serious problem.


Not that I'm saying this is the case for Shelly, but I did want to clarify that drastic changes are serious.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 2:45am

Shelly, you may not want to hear my comments, but I'll give them a shot. Please feel free to disagree with me - because it may shed some more light into your situation. I will not be offended.

What I find terribly concerning is that despite his behaviour, you have no intention of leaving him. I'm not saying that you should just up and leave without effort, however, we should all have limits on how we will be treated.

You've mentioned that he's posessive, dictates what you wear, gets angry if other men look at you, your sex life is a problem, he's got low self esteem and most worryingly has changed since you married. Perhaps you could explain why you are willing to stay even though he treats you this way? In what ways does he make up for his bad behaviour? (specifics please)

You've also said that he's a sweet and caring person...but I don't understand how someone can be all of the above PLUS sweet and caring. Perhaps he was sweet and caring BEFORE you married?

If I were in your shoes, I would not be trying to have him understand that "I'm not going anywhere". Instead, I'd be saying that if this behaviour continues, I WILL be leaving. Of course, I would present it in a far more tactful way to start with.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 11:26am

Shelly,


Wow.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2006
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 12:29pm

Thanks for your replies everyone. Firstly I want to say that maybe I painted my husbands reactions to be more extreme that they are. To answer your questions, we were together for 8 months in the UK, he was studying there. Then I came to the US with him, we moved in together and I've been here for a total of 9 months. The only time that our relationship was long distance was for two months when my first visa was up and I had to go back. We've been married for three months. He is a US citizen. I'm 22 and he's 31.

You asked for a scenario so here's one. Last week we were in a restaurant and the waiter called me sweetheart, just politely. When he left my husband said under his breath, don't call my wife sweetheart. Then it's forgotten about. I mean he doesn't tell me what to wear. If I'm wearing a skirt he'll say, you're showing some leg today and that will be all. I am a very strong person and he knows that he can't tell me what to do. What I meant by being homesick is that I go on about how much I loved it and how hard it was for me to leave. He gets scared, he doesn't show it but I know that the fear is there that I'll miss it too much and want to leave one day. I think that this has a lot to do with his own self esteem, the weight he has put on etc. Before, he was much happier in himself.

I want to add that I am probably over cautious about all of this. I had a very controlling father growing up and it has affected how I view relationships. I swore that I'd never end up with someone like that. Sometimes if there's something you really don't want in your life, you begin to see it when it's not even there. I hope this answers your questions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 2:44pm

Hi Shelly,


I know you feel like you've overstated your husband's behavior and that we're all getting the wrong idea about him....but I have to tell you that I think you might be ignoring some warning signs and red flags.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2006
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 4:56pm

Thanks Kim,

I think you made a good point there, maybe he does think that I belong to him now. I never took much notice of it, in fact I found it kind of flattering when he would get a little jealous. I always thought of it more as him being protective than anything. He always says that he just wants to take care of me and make me happy, give me everything I ever wanted. I don't know what that says about me but considering the toxic situation I grew up in maybe my views on marriage are somewhat different. All I know is that I see the warning flags now and I need to address it before it gets worse. I don't want to find out that I married just the type of man I was avoiding. I mean, otherwise our relationship is great. We're best friends, laugh all the time, physically I think we're back on track. It's just in the last few weeks that I've seen this behaviour emerge. Anyway, we'll have a talk about it. Thanks again!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 5:09pm
Let us know how it goes, I'd be really interested to hear! :)



Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 1:39am

Shelly, I'm just going to be really honest and I hope I don't make you angry because that's not my intent. It seems to me that you're backpedaling here, perhaps trying to make things sound better than they are. In your first post you stated that he "doesn't like it if I wear a short skirt and gets angry if another guy so much as looks at me", but the examples sound like pretty watered-down versions of anger and dislike.


I agree with Kimbirdy that what you're seeing are serious red flags, and I'm glad that you see them as the same. I also agree that it's very likely that you married a controlling guy because you were raised with a controlling guy; it would be the most common, typical thing to do, even if you hated growing up that way, even if you vowed to never be in that situation again. And I do think your husband is showing some very serious indicators of being a controlling guy.


I also see a few other reasons for serious concern. What really worries me is that I strongly suspect your husband is an abusive man, and yes, control is a form of abuse. Your situation, your story is a very typical scenario for how an abusive situation starts.
  • Your age difference. It's not at all uncommon for an abusive guy to choose a woman who is much younger than himself. Younger women are easier to control, easier to manipulate and easier to mold (trap) into what they want.
  • Isolation. Coming from the UK to the states is every abusers dream; they like to isolate their victim, and with your family and friends in the UK, the move alone put you right in the spot he wants you to be. Not being able to work is another plus (yes, I know that's temporary); but if you're at home you're even more isolated from others, more dependant on him and more under his control.
  • He started out much different than he's becoming. Abusers are great at being extremely great guys in the beginning. It's not until once they feel secure in your relationship, sure that you're deeply hooked (often but not always, after marriage), that the abusive/controlling side begins to come out. Or, if it does show itself before you're fully hooked, it's subtle things that doesn't really show you what's to come. Many, many, MANY abusers "seal the deal" with a pregnancy (you may not and/or have a child with them, you're much more trapped, much less likely to be able to leave.

    I don't at all see how you being homesick can logically be tied to his becoming angry/jealous/possessive or disapproving of your clothing choices. It would make much more sense if he were just the opposite, approving, happy, etc. Being negative would give you more reason to want to leave and less reason to want to stay. Honestly, I don't think what you're suggesting makes sense.

    I'd like you to consider posting on the Dealing With Domestic Abuse board to see what they think about your situation. These women have been or are in abusive situations and are pretty clear on what the signs are. They'll also be more than happy to tell you if they don't see any indicators. Read through the information and links on the Abuse Board's Homepage , you may see more indicators and signs than you think you will.

    I know you think you're being overly cautious, but I, like Kimbirdy, disagree. You've cited many reasons for serious concern and I would pay close attention to all of them. I would also urge you to be extra careful with your birth control, another typical trick of abusers is to sabotage your birth control (poke holes in diaphragms, *accidentally* discard or destroy birth control pills, etc.) in order to get you pregnant and "seal the deal". I hope I'm wrong, but there are a lot of indicators that say this isn't good. Please keep as educated on the subject of control and abuse as you can so that you can readily recognize it (understand that it may be harder for you to see some signs since many will seem "normal" to you, or even "better than what you're used to" due to your upbringing) and best protect yourself. Keep in touch with the us and/or abuse board, check in any time you have concerns or questions.








  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    when you don't get what you want."

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"

    Pages