He's cheating on the Internet

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
He's cheating on the Internet
16
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 1:20pm

Hello Everyone!

I have a problem and need some advice from all of you. Here's the situation...(I will try to sum it up so it is not very long)

I'm 29 and my boyfriend is 33, we've been dating for about 1 1/2 years now. We live in 2 different cities about 1 1/2 hours away from each other therefore we only see each other on the weekends. Because of the distance, there is a huge "trust" factor on both sides. Ever since I've been dating him, he has kept in touch with an ex wife (no kids) and ex girlfriend...phone calls, emails,etc... At first it caused fights between us but then I just accepted it but ask him to be completely honest with me when he spoke to both of them. About a month ago, I answered his phone and the ex-girlfriend started telling me that their relationship was more than friends and at one point in the beginning of our relationship, he was seeing both us. He denied EVERYTHING and called her a jealous ex-girlfriend who hasn't let go of him. He even called her a liar and told her she was trying to cause problems when we were ALL on the phone together.

He has asked for my trust and for me not to believe her. He has apologized to me for making a bad decision to keep in touch with her. We had very long discussions on trust, forgiveness, cheating, etc... I ask him if there was anyone/anything else that I should know about...of course he has said NO...I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you! Before allof this, we had been talking about getting engaged in the Spring and finally being together!

Of course all of my emotions and thoughts have been all over the place for the last few weeks and now I've discoved he has a profile up on Match.com...!!!!!!

I know I shouldn't of been trying to "look" for other things but I needed to know if I could trust him again. I also figured out his pass word to his email and discovered numerous emails from him and to him from other woman. The emails are very sexual and talk about "possibly" getting together.

I'm furious...I'm hurt...I'm confused...I feel betrayed...and after considering to trust him and not believe the ex...this comes up!

Part of me wants to get revenge and part of me wants to know WHY?????

How do I bring this up to him?? Any suggestions?????

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2004
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 1:30pm
Well you can be sneaky and catch him re-handed in the act or you can hit him up with the knowledge of his Match.com profile. Either way - you know and his internet actions say that he's not one to be trusted. No matter what he says to you to your face, his actions on the internet say likewise. I'd break it off with him as soon as possible, for your own sanity. Good luck!
hello
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 1:48pm

What does revenge get you? Often times revenge makes you feel good for a little while and then you feel worse. Revenge means putting a lot of energy into breaking up with him and making him feel pain. It takes energy and focus away from you and doing what you need to do to get over the relationship, let go and move on.

You already know the answer to the question "why?" He's not willing to be or capable of being faithful or honest, that is the bottom line. Any other answer he could give you would be a line of b*ll and will be just as unreliable as his past statements.

The best and most healthy thing you can do is walk away with your head held high, feel sad and grieve the loss of the relationship, and when you are ready, find someone who is capable of trusting and who is worthy of your trust.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 3:39pm
OK, Citygirl...have you reread your post? Remove yourself from it for just a minute. If it were your best friend, what would you do? Look at her incredously and ask her if she's lost her mind, right? I'm with the others...don't exert the energy it'll take to get revenge. Besides, I've found that the best revenge, in the long run, is the ability to move on and in your case, should you run into him a year from now (provided you walk away now, of course), being able to not skip a beat, say, "Oh, hey! Good to see you" all the while, never slowing down. I know this to be true because I just happen to be lucky enough to have had that happen recently. I promise you...it felt far better than if I'd shown my ass when we split several weeks ago (but wow, that tempation's something, isn't it?). It was perfect too....had my cell with me and it rang JUST as he stopped to try to say anything more than "hello".
Hon, you have your answers. He's a jackass and he's exactly the kind of man you'd move heaven and earth to keep your sister or best friend away from. Take awhile, OD on chocolate ice cream, hot baths and heal from it...THEN MOVE FORWARD WITH YOUR HEAD HELD HIGH!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 4:04pm

Thanks for all the advice!

I know what to do...it's just a matter of DOING IT! When I re-read my post I sound like such a stupid woman...like I'm just a doormat that he can walk all over! I'm actually a very strong woman but sometime my heart takes over my brain...I do love him!

As far as the revenge, I think that is my anger getting the best of me and you are right...walking away, makes you the better person!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 4:24pm
No, you don't sound like a stupid woman...you do sound like a woman who is indeed in love. Happens to the best of us!! lol!
And the anger part? Oh yeah...I figure by taking a deep breath and reconsidering something before I've actually done it has probably prevented numerous restraining orders from being sworn out against me! Just kidding!
Hang in there....you're on the right path.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 6:38pm

Citygirl,

there is absolutely nothign wrong with thinking of some evil thing you wish you could do in your down moments. I do that and it provides me with great entertainment. DH too cause they are mostly directed at his dad. :)

The BEST revenge is moving on, not looking back, and finding an awesome guy who thinks you are a goddess. And then never giving this guy a 2nd thought. That is the best revenge.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 10:07pm

I very much agree with the others - just move on.

However, there is one little bit of revenge that I'd possibly do. Break up with him without explanation. "I just don't want to be with you anymore". No long discussions, just a short phone call and then leave your answering machine to deal with him. Leave him wondering forever.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 11:12pm

Hey Citygirl910 ~ I'm coming in late but agreeing with it all. You know he's a jerk and a liar and I'll bet you know that if you confronted him with it he'd make up some lie and insist it wasn't how it looked, he was innocent, blah, blah, blah. You wouldn't get revenge and telling him off wouldn't be satisfying because he'd be insisting all the way that you were wrong. Why go there? Who needs to aggravation? I don't think you'd feel satisfied or that you got him good, you'd just feel frustrated and more angry than you already are. He's not worth the time or trouble and you're too good for him, that's the bottom line. Not only that, but much as you'd love revenge (and believe me, I can come up with some really create revenge) like you've been told here, think of seeing him in the future after having done something revengeful or seeing him having just walked out without revenge. I'm betting seeing him with the clear conscience of not having paid him back would feel better (maybe even feel superior to him) than looking him in the eye having gotten revenge. You don't need to have to feel like you stooped to a lower level than is normal for you if you see him again. He should feel bad, not you!




Personally, even though I'm good at coming up with creative revenge, I leave it in my head and let Karma take care of it for me while I just sit back and watch. Many years ago my dad told me "the best kind of revenge is the kind where you didn't have to do a thing." And he was right. It's quite satisfying to see bad things happen to bad people, especially when you didn't have to lift a finger! And yes, I know that sounds awful! He'll get his, just wait and see. In the meantime (after getting out immediately, of course), I would be absolutely open and honest with any new or prospective girlfriends he might have as to why you broke up -- assuming they ask, I wouldn't call to inform them of what they're getting into. I also highly recommend the book “Exorcising Your Ex : How to Get Rid of the Demons of Relationships Past” by Elizabeth Kuster It's hysterical and great for helping you through the initial hurt of a break up. It reminds you that you're not alone and that what you're feeling is normal, but it also includes a chapter on revenge -- stories of things some women have actually done to their ex's. There are lots of things I wouldn't have done, but boy it felt great reading it! It's not meant to be a serious book, it's not really "self-help" more just entertainment, but I liked it enough to buy it, lent it out to a newly hurting friend and never got it back -- she loved it! I also play Alanis Morisette's "Jagged Little Pill" album over and over (it's old but it still works!), belting out the words right along with her. That makes me feel better, and she's sooo angry! Sometimes I'd get in the car, slap Alanis in the CD player, drive a favorite stretch of road belting out "You Oughta Know" until I feel better. That's break up (or really mad at a guy) therapy for me.

~ cl-2nd_life


"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 11:30pm

Something I forgot to mention... You said that your trust issue was due to the physical distance between you and the fact that you only saw each other on weekends. I question that because it in itself is not a reason for mistrust. I had a boyfriend who lived 1.5 hours from me, we also only saw each other on weekends and trust or suspicion was never an issue with either of us. I'd venture a guess to say the reason for your lack of trust was because deep down you knew he wasn't worthy of trust. All along there were clues that things weren't right, little issues and odd things that didn't feel right to you but he explained away. It isn't the distance, it's the guy.




In case you need more to bolster your resolve and to give you more assurance you're doing the right thing, there are a couple of articles from our Information and Resources section that come to mind as being appropriate for this situation:
7 Signs You Should Run From Your Partner (particularly #5, but there are a few more that likely apply as well)
The Truth About the Power of Love

~ cl-2nd_life


"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown




Edited 3/2/2005 11:33 pm ET ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 12:38pm

Thank you everyone! You are ALL such strong women with great advice!

I'm going to break it off with little to no explanation. He doesn't deserve my time or energy! I am also a believer in karma and I know that evil revenge is for "the moment" but does not heal the soul. A couple of months ago, I started feeling these thoughts about "things not right" in the relationship with almost an empty feeling inside..I thought karma was coming back to me for something that I did. Not to get so deep on everyone, but about a month ago I was mediating and tears started rolling down my cheek...an incredible feeling of sadness. I think my inner self was trying to tell me something then but I didn't want to listen.

My journey is just beginning and the only place I can go fom here is up! As the saying goes...Lose the love, not the lesson!

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