He's depressed about career I feel respo
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| Tue, 03-29-2005 - 12:13pm |
DH is in the scientific field and has been for all of our marriage (almost 14 years). He quit a job a few years ago in order to take a job that he thought he would like better, one with less writing, but still science involved. Lately, he has been irritable and depressed and stated that he felt that he has been doing what he has been "expected" to do all of his life and hates that he can't do what he wants to, write and play music, etc. (right brain activities), which he is also talented at. I don't know what else to do, because I have always been supportive of his choices and told him that he could be whatever he wanted, as long as he was happy, but he feels that he can't do anything drastic because 1. he's in the federal gov't system now and it would be stupid to leave now and 2. anything he does he feels that it would affect not just him but me and DD (who is almost 2). I so wish I earned double what I do so that he could do what he wanted to and DD could still be in daycare. I would be the main breadwinner in a heartbeat; I really like my job and am paid decently (although not quite as much as he is). Now I feel compelled to do even more of the childcare and housecare (and he is actually good at all of that and is a great dad) just so he can have more spare time to devote to his hobbies in hopes that he can turn them into careers. I told him that if others (like his parents) give him grief over drastically changing careers, screw 'em! Help, someone let me win the lottery!!!
I should add that I feel responsible because I suggested having kids back in 9/01 (yet he agreed) and that he probably feels trapped because of me and especially because of DD. Now I'm depressed just thinking that introducing a sibling for DD is impossible.
Edited 3/29/2005 1:17 pm ET ET by soccermama87

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HEre's the thing....all this "either/or" thinking could use a little "and".
Be realistic.....take the situations and feelings out and be realistic. To make a lucrative living that would provide for him alone a standard he wants and requires....is his responsibility and requirement to himself.
So, if he wants to write and do the "right brain" stuff - why does it have to be a sole focus and purpose so that he's enmeshed only in what he likes....quite often that stagnates the creativity and originality as we learn lessons in life and have amazing experiences in the "real world" - not the one of our fantasy creation.
Why can't he write - in addition to keeping his current job, the benefits, adn living up to the responsibilities that he's got as a result of all the allinces he took on by choice, and by all the obligations he incurred by choice - which includes children.
Why does it have to be that he sits at home wearing a beret and smoking a non-filtered cigarette while trapped in a room "writing" and tearing his hair out and pacing the floor when creativity temporarily eludes him, locked in tehre on a hunger strike as a result of his fears and insecurities about "the writing".......rather than doing his job, receiving a paycheck and benfits - so that the realities of day life run smoothly- allowing his creative juices to flow in the after hours.
You two need to sit down and talk. You're assuming alot of "responsibilities" out of efault of feelings....while you're not ackowledging one reality. You say he's a great dad. Well, hon, people that love the obligation of their children, find joy in the duty and fulfillment in the interaction. So are you taking on what brings him joy - so that he has more "time" to be creative? Does he want that really? Is he going to like the result if this continues in a few years where his daughter turns only to you for every need and thought and feeling.....and he's standing on the sidelines going "what happened to our relationship?" You have no clue how many parents, particularly fathers, find themselves in just that position due to obligation and responsiblity or "pursuit of hobby".
Long term and short term focus is required, if postiive results are to be achieved.
Have you all thought seriously about the "what if". What if he did somehow, adn the likelihood of it you'd have to be realistic about predicting basedon his talents, and statistics, adn location, etc.......he did become extremely successful as a writer. What if he became the primary breadwinner again through that effort? Are you all prepared for the lifestyle alteration that would result - from him being involved in a more glamorous life....one in which you're an adjunct by the standards of his peers becuase "you're not a writer?" One in which his presence is sought to the point that you're relegated to a corner becuase this is a networking event, not a party?
So, I think you're assuming alot - acting on it as facts, and you're likely to have it blow up in your face. Sit down and talk with the man, figure something at - the moment you haven't got a problem to solve, but if you keep "solving problems that don't exist" - you'll create a real dilemma that requires resolution and involves loss and restructure.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
I agree with Erin. I also think your husband should be able to tell you he is unhappy in his career (and that he wants to take on a new hobby) without you feeling so much guilt that you do all the housework and childcare and don't mention baby #2. Taking him out of the family picture and letting him spend all his free time on hobbies is not going to solve anything, and it's going to end up hurting your dd in the end because she'll have an absent father and a guilt-ridden, over-worked, stress-ball for a mom. Let him have a new hobby but don't agree that he can do that and nothing else.
I wish I could go back and make a different career decision, or that I could win the lottery and support my current standard of living and return to school. It doesn't make sense for me to do that because I have responsibilities and obligations, and financially I don't want to start back at square 1. I accept that I can't just do whatever I want for my own fulfillment, and I focus on the the fact that my career provides stability and a pretty decent quality of life, and I don't tie myself up in knots blaming anyone for my choices or getting depressed that things aren't exactly the way I want them. I think your husband might feel the same. He's looking for something to compensate for his right brain without giving up his job security or sacrificing his family's quality of life - and that is a noble thing. Let him work through this but don't overburden yourself with guilt or take on obligations that aren't yours to try and make him happy. People do a much better job when they find ways to make themselves happy.
Sounds like a case of unrealistic expectations if you ask me. some people call it mid-life crisis - but that is NOT what it is.
If he's suffered some sort of delusion that h's a great writer or musician that has been stifled through responsibility and obligation...he's goig to be in a state of perpetual resentment and depression. It's got nothing to do with anybody else.
But that whole scenario is one of "I pursue instant gratification with no long-term focus" to the point it catches up with a person in their 30's or 40's or at some point.
I see this alot with "weekend athletes". And I am a "weekend athlete" in a way - but at least I know and accept it without any remorse or hesitation.
These people so thoroughly convinced because of the small segment of the "weekend warrior" population that they run with and regularly beat competitively...that they're some gold-medal material athlete that's been stifled and stunted as a result of "life". That it's so unfair that this low level of competition is all that they can participate in - they were destined for greatness, they were pursuing greatness and "something" got in the way.
Well, here's what "got in the way". First, a reality check. Everybody watches people win gold and thinks "I could do that". Well, maybe the televised performance you just saw - had you been dedicated and sacrificing and expending for years in terms of effort and time and money - MAYBE you could have done that. Possibly you're athletically gifted enough to have been able to learn to do what it is they just did.
ut what you didn't do - was focus on that as a goal, and make all those sacrifices, efforts, and expenditures in time appropriate, responsible, and intelligent ways for years, with no guarantee, so that possibly you'd have a shot at gold.
That'swhat you didn't do. And as a result of what you didn't do....you can't be where they are.
so what "did" you do with all that time and ability and money and intelligence...you pursued whatever was fun, available, distracting, or necessary "at the moment based on your life at that time'. YOu didn't have long-term focus and short term sacrifice -you had short term gratification as a goal, and long-term focus as a non-concept in your life.
So you find yourself at 30 or 40....pursuing what interested you at 20, held your passion at 25, what you didn't prioritize, research, sacrifice and expend on in every way regarding - so taht it could be your "life force adn focus". YOu used it as a way to de-stress, relax, chill out, or show off.
And now.....you're relegated to low-level participation as a result of your lack of excellence.
Well, welcome to the real world buddy....if the world where he's at is exhalting his efforts as great, he needs to get a reality check that out there in the bigger ventures, what he's doing and capable of quite likely isn't dreck on toast.
Which means he can quit obsessing about making it his livelihood - and start allowing it to enhance and improve his life as it now is.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
I think you're taking too much responsibility for the way he's feeling and his position.
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
If he has chosen to stick in a miserable job he needs to get out! If he wants to write music he should! It’s not your fault he got that job, right? Both DH and I work, we both have hobbies we enjoy out of work so we split time or get a sitter so we can both unwind or have some peace. Do we find joy in duty – let me put that a different way, do we love our child? Yes! Do we personally find joy in wiping up vomit and mess? No, and you know that’s okay. You can love kids without loving everything about being a parent. It’s called being normal. And yes sometimes it is overwhelmingly hard.
You don’t need to do more child care or housecare; he needs to manage his time better to find that correct **balance** between family and life. The child issue you mentioned, that’s a hard one, I’m all for agreement between two for having kids and it sounds as if he resents ‘agreeing’ back in 2001. It’s just one of the pitfalls when one partner pressures another to have a child when they’re not quite ready. If that’s something you see as an issue maybe try a counsellor there’s no point, telling him to get over it or drop back into reality, it’s only going to make things worse for all involved. We can all say his choice now he has to live with it and be a dad the truth is he doesn’t he can get up and walk away – a lot of men do, sure we can call him a deadbeat, irresponsible but that doesn’t help anything and ask yourself who the losers are? SO address the issue, he resents let you both unite and work through that as a team. Come out stronger as a result.
If the aim seriously is to have a serious and involved father let me tell you the last thing a man needs to hear is to be told when, how, and why to parent. Push and you’ll find resistance. Assist and you will find co-operation. As well as this, before you take on doing *everything* realise that you are doing this, not him and as such you’re probably going to end up resenting him, so before the big blow up happens, address the important things now.
I’d talk to him about it, have a good D&M and get things out in the open before you get any further. GL and let us know how you go.
Why are you feeling responsible because your husband can't do everything he wants in life? How many of us can? I'd love to be home writing the great American novel right now instead of answering the phone for a bunch of doctors, but hey, I gotta pay the bills.
Ya know what? We all make our choices in this life and we have to learn to live with them. Had your husband wanted a music career, he should have thought about that BEFORE he took on the responsibility of a wife and children. He can still play music before and after work, but for YOU to even consider wanting to be the breadwinner while he pursues a fantasy is ridiculous. And it sounds like you'd be doing it just to make him happy. For how long would YOU be happy?
Of course anything he does would affect you and your children. He would leave a secure job to take up a completely different lifestyle with the possibility of no or little income? Good thing he's not married to me because I'd take him for a CAT scan to see if he has some kind of brain disorder.
You feel compelled to do more of the housework and childcare so he has more playtime? What are YOU thinking? And for how long do you think you're going to consider this fair?
If your husband has been in a certain field of work for 14 years, he's no kid. He's a man having a mid-life crisis. Here's the thing. Let him play music on the weekends. If he gets a million dollar record deal, he can quit work, go on the road and grab his fame and fortune. But until then he needs to go to work every day and be a responsible man, husband and father. I think everybody in America is obssessed with becoming the next big thing; few will ever make it.
"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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