He's overstepping his boundaries
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He's overstepping his boundaries
| Sun, 05-14-2006 - 11:09am |
After turning me down for sex (too tired-too often), I told him I could take care of it myself. He said no, he would take care of it in the morning. I am fortunate to have clitoral orgasms as well as vaginal. He stated that I would rather have multple o's (vaginal)by him instead of my one orgasm from my bullet(clitoral). I stated they were equally important. He then tries to put words in my mouth and is obviously offended that I want to use a toy. But it ticked me off that he's gonna tell me what I like better and that it can't possibly be as good as the o's I get during sex. I was pretty pissed that he wouldn't give me anything, then tell me I couldn't please myself. how do I help him understand this when he twists my words so, and it's not easy to explain anyway? And how do I solve the problem that if he chooses not to please my I have the right to do so myself without it being a huge deal? I like all the o's I can get, ya know? Sometimes I desire one sometimes the other and sometimes both.

A few questions for you so that I can try and make sure my advice is good:
How old are you and he? And are you living together? If so, how long?
Is this his normal arguing technique - or is it the first time you've seen it?
Lastly (looking at addressing the issue of his lost libido) problems inside the bedroom often reflect problems outside the bedroom. What is the rest of your relationship like?
Or perhaps his lost libido be caused by other issues such as stress, overwork, depression, ill health etc etc.
I'm also waiting for answers to Aisha's questions, but would add that if your attitude was what you said, "pretty pissed that he wouldn't give me any", it's not likely he'd be too motivated to have sex. Also, it's quite possible for an angry attitude to cause him to feel insecure and/or inadequate an pretty much unable to perform at all. Performance pressure doesn't help.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
*I'm 37 he's 42......we've been together since '98 & married in '99......one child together-age 5, 4 previous children
*Actually it is fairly common for him to "hear" something different, and when he 'restates' it's usually his twist that creates the problem. like inserting that I like clitoral orgasms with a toy rather than having intercourse with him. I never said that. I said they are both (orgasms) equally important to me and he interpretted it totally different.
*I guess if I were to be completely honest with myself: I have used my toy alone an average of two to three times a week since we got together. I've tried over time to get him to meet more of my sexual needs, because I'd rather be intimate with him. I've long complained about late night tv and falling asleep on the couch. I finally was told if I want it I'll have to wait up for him. Sometimes I'm so horny, yet so tired, my day begins earlier than his and I don't get to fall asleep for naps in the evenings watching tv like he does. I requested he cut out the naps so that we could go to bed together and he would be ready for bed. Not. How about getting back up after sex? Not.
*We usually have problems in any and all other areas, but not sex. But I usually take care of my needs without him knowing when, and it's gotten old. I have tried to work him in slowly to having sex more frequently, but he will sometimes let me know early that his back is killing him, or his knee hurts are his typical cues to no nooky tonight. I get a strong desire for vaginal orgasms when I go a week without, but clitoral orgasms are my mainstay which I have taken care of for a long time now. I just want to quit hiding how sexual I really am.
But should I have to continue to sneak to get my basic need for sex met? His attitude that he's telling me what I like better really makes me wonder about his tendancy to dominate is creeping into the bedroom.
How can I help him accept that first it doesn't interfere with how often he and I have sex, I'm almost always ready for him. I don't expect him give me oral sex three times a week. I just want him to be okay with me pleasing myself when he doesn't.
He put on eighty pounds since quitting smoking 2004. I've lost 30 pounds last yr and a half.
I have already begun to dig a litle deeper. Your questions brought me insight already. so thanks for that. But can anyone help with this tricky situation. I love him dearly. And I am looking forward to hopefully understanding this better.
Verbal Fencing With Someone You Love
Ten Rules For Fair Fighting
Dos and Don'ts For Fair Fighting
Conflicts - Points to Remember
1. Lessons in Communication & Assertion
2. Lessons cont. - Steps to Assertion
3. Lessons cont. - Language of Assertion
4. Lessons cont. - More on Communication
I'm also hearing that he's not so great at restating what you've said; one of the "lessons" focuses on restating, which is really important in being heard and in hearing. If he's willing, I think the lessons could be a lot of help to you. Likewise the constructive arguing-type articles.
It could be too that he actually hears you quite plainly, but misstating what you've said and drawing you into an argument about what you said, what you meant, etc., takes the focus away from where it should be (him, his choice to stay up, etc.) which allows him to avoid facing the consequences of his choices and his actions. Next time he tries the "you said 'blah, blah, blah", instead of jumping in angrily with what you did say, try saying something like, "I'm sorry you understood that, what I said was .....", if he tries to continue to draw the conversation to what he *thought* he heard, simply say (staying calm and focused is key here) "Well now you know what I did say, and that's the subject we're talking about now." If he tries to move the focus of the topic away again, just say, "We're not talking about that right now, we can talk about that another time, right now we're talking about...." You have to shoot down his attempts to tick you off, get you worked up and off on avenue, and you have to do it calmly and clearly.
I don't think you should have to sneak behind his back and hide what you do. I think you should be very open and honest, but without anger or blame. Simply lay out the facts for him, these are my needs, period. I'd much prefer to satisfy them with you rather than on my own, but if you are unwilling or unable to, I'll deal with them myself. He can not like it all he wants, but you're giving him a choice, you're telling him plainly and clearly what's up, from there it's up to him. He can be more interested in sex or he can accept that if he doesn't you'll handle on your own.
That being said, I also think it's important to recognize that it sounds like sex has always been a problem for you and that he's never been as interested as you. You can't put a gun to his head and expect him to perform, if he's never been as interested in sex, it has to be something you've chosen to accept. It sounds like you've been suggesting compromises (no naps, get back up after sex), does he have any suggestions? I'd also say that if you've always recognized he doesn't want sex as often as you, he's also recognized you've always wanted sex more than him. That being the case your self-satisfaction shouldn't be that much of a surprise to him. Facing up to the facts or actively looking for a solution only seems realistic.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Thank you for replying! I appreciate it. I did read the links that were available. I have begun a book titled Lies at the Alter. So far a great book. Our communication skills suck. Our marriage sucks, and we just keep living like everything's fine. I have a feeling all that is about to change. I haven't had a good book in a long time. Life is getting better each day. I'm glad someone took the time to give some thought to my situation and took time to respond from their wisdom. And for that I'm grateful.
And actually he chased me a lot more than I chased him before about two years ago. He has slowed down and now I'm the one complaining! Oh well, I can deal with it. We will begin rebuilding this marriage with a foundation that nothing can shake....honesty.
Thanks!