He's sooooo negative!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2005
He's sooooo negative!!!
11
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 8:24am

He's driving me crazy!!! We move this week into OUR new home. The first time in my life I've even owned a home, and to be quite honest really ever had a permanent home. I'm so excited, it's crazy....have been for weeks now.
And him - he's freakin miserable. He's stressed about all the running around, the banking etc...HATES packing. Is now mad at the rain...just angry about everything. I don't understand it. I can't stand being around him right now because every comment from his mouth is negative and i'm getting impatient because i feel like he's sucking the energy from me and i resent it.

How do i deal with this kind of situation? i know i can't control how he feels or can't expect him to be as excited as i am...but does he need to spew his venom all around us?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 9:27am

This is apparently how he deals with stressors. It is likely related to self worth issues. I wish I had encouraging advice for you. If you are an optimist and you are hooked to a pessimist it is a tough road. My X was MISERABLE...she was miserable when I met her, she was miserable when we were married, and she is still miserable.

The thing I didn't get when I dated and then married her is that there are two kids of miserable....(1) miserable over a specific situation...which is temporary..... and (2) just plain miserable looking for a situation to justify being miserable. Unfortunately I did not really know about the second kind of miserable and I figured once we were maried and she was with me and I helped fix all those negative situations she was miserable about (money, family, etc.) she would have to be happy and of course love me forever (white knight syndrome)....oooops imagine my suprise when the "situations" that made her miserable changed but never stopped no matter what I said and did

What you said "sucking the energy from me" are the exact feeling and words that I was using very close to separation...after 7 years, 3 great kids, no money worries (so she could work, or stay home, or go have lunch at the country club everyday), a large estate home and all the material possessions she ever wanted, a plugged in and caring husband and father.... and more..... she was still just plain miserable. When I started to become resentful and immune to her miserableness (stopped trying to rescue her), she felt loss of control and voila she turned really, really nasty and abusive.

I finally gave up and divorced her and now I have an incredible life with my kids and am getting married in 3 months to a wonderful woman and I could not be happier and guess what......she is still miserable.

I have no strategies for you just words of empathy, cause I tried everything I could think of and nothing worked except deciding to no longer live with her.

Good luck, P.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2005
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 10:03am

what i'm wondering is if there is a strategy for me to use so that I don't get caught up in it...i don't want to be his knight in shining armour, so to speak. He says, well this is my feelings, it has nothing to do with you - you can't expect me to feel the way you feel, all happy and such...and yes i agree with that, but he doesn't see how his actions are constantly affecting me.

Do i walk away when he starts acting negatively...do i just simply ignore his negative comments (which is what i do now)?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 11:23am

I had to write because I know exactly how you are feeling. I deal with the same type of emotions from my husband. We can be doing somethign really great and he gets negative and stressed out over it. I think what the other person said is true this is just how they deal with things. Buying a home and moving while exciting is stressful and some people handle it better than others or in different ways. Maybe the idea of the 30yr mortage scares him as it did my husband. I find sometimes I argue or try and tell him why he should not be so negative which only creates tension and usually starts a fight. Then I get the blame for that one! I find it better to stay positive or just be happy and most of the time the mood transfers to him. If I feel I am reaching my boiling point then I have to leave or just remain quiet. IS your husband always negative? I mean he could be suffering from depression posssibly or is something else bothering him maybe? Just a few other thoughts. I hope it works out and your move goes well!

Stay positive! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 11:53am

I guess it depends on how much being negative is how he processes things.

I literally tried everything....ignoring, leaving, arguing, joking, attacking, changing the subject, reminding her of all the good things, begging her to stop, calling timeout, going to the Church for advice, going to therapists (marital and individual), medicine for her (from a psychiatrist), reading books, agreeing and posting relationship "rules".....I even tried every morning before I left giving her a kiss and a different reason why loved her......some things worked in some cases for short periods, but nothing worked over time (like minutes to hours).

Example: I called her last night to confirm schedule for the 4th holiday (my holiday). She went nuts and on and on about how it isn't fair that I see the kids more than her, blah, blah, blah and shouldn't she get the 4th since she worked during Memorial Day (her last holiday, which was her choice). So after a tiraid that lasted at least 5 minutes where I did not get to speak, she hung up on me. So I thought about it overnight and called her back this morning and said...hey I don't have any special plans for the 4th so if it is that important to you, how about if we trade for Labor Day? So she says OK and then goes off on me again for at least 10 minutes this time. When she slows down I finally get to say "look I called you and gave you what you wanted why can't you just be happy, say thank you, and enjoy the kids instead of attacking me." That of course was follwed by about 3 more minutes of all the ways she has been victimized in her life and then she said "fine" and hung up. She just can't see the positive no matter what my words or actions are. Fortunately I have healed and now I don't get upset and don't argue, I just hold the phone away from my ear until she is done (unless she is swearing and then I hang-up).

SO back to your issue....
If it is about feeling insecure and even more insecure under stress I guess positive reinforcement and empathy should help...sending messages that he is loved and accepted unconditionally....but again I think it depends. You might also, when he is not in a mood explain to him how it makes you feel when he is in one of these moods. If he loves you he will hear this and it MIGHT cause him to at least tone it down a bit at some times.

Good luck if you hit on anything that works, please share ;>) P.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2005
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 12:14pm

well he has a ton of stuff bothering him...this is an excert of an email he just wrote me on the topic,
"I am going through more stress in my life right now than I ever have before. My daughter causing me problems, her mom is, the notary/bank/everyone else involved with this move are all killing me...plus work, therapy...all this stuff. You seem to be able to surpress all this stuff because of your exceitemnt about moving... I'm not able to. I'm sorry for that. But, I'm allowed to feel whatever I feel and you can't ask me to stop. I can't control it. I'm stressed.

If I don't seem happy, its because I'm not. All this stuff is killing me. I'm hoping that once we move in things will start getting better because one big thing will be off me. But if I'm not...if I feel sad, or angry about something, I'm allowed. And you getting on me about it doesnt help. I dont tell you to be more stressed, or to be more angry to match me...feel what you want. I'm happy that you are exceited about all this, thats why we did it. But with all the other stuff going on, I'm stretched and stressed to near breaking...I'm sorry this having an affect on you.

anyways..I'm just rambling, and you wont agree with me and this is just going to start an endless fight again, so I'm gpoing to stop now. Maybe if you just concentrated on your happiness and less on trying to change me and my feelings you would be happier...I dont know."

so is what you're saying to do ' stay positive ' sound the same as what he's saying?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 6:02pm

I'm with Orangecuse. I also had a miserable ex (though he wasn't as miserable as Orange's LOL) and in the end, the only solution I found was to leave. And just like Orangecuse, my ex is still miserable and I've since found a wonderful, HAPPY man and started a family.

You know, my DH and I have two kids, the eldest of which is autistic. Life is hard - but we continually strive to see the positives. For example, we've recently been celebrating the fact that he's starting to wipe his bottom. (He's 9). I can't even imagine having a negative person next to me angry about all the years we've been waiting for this step - instead of rejoicing the he's gotten there.

Judging from the email, your partner appears to be very happy with the way he is, and has no intention of changing despite knowing that his behaviour makes you unhappy.

If you do want to continue, my only advice is that when he complains, briefly dismiss his complaints. "I don't want to hear" may be a valid response. He may just have to learn that you're not going to be receptive to endless complaints.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 2:22am

Storm, how often is he negative? Is this a common occurrence or is it infrequent? How long has he been like this?


I know what you mean, my ex-husband was depressed and negative, it's exhausting and draining to live with a person like that. You can keep your positive attitude up, but eventually they wear you down. You're right, it's exhausting.


I'll wait to hear your answers before responding further.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Avatar for incognito_mosquito
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 1:29am

He sounds alot like my boyfriend. Have you really sat down and talked to him about how his outburts affect you? Once I did that with my boyfriend he made a very concious effort to watch what he said around me. He wasn't perfect at it, but it made things alot more pleasant for me. But that was just the start. We've had many discussions since about how his negative attitude only hurts himself. That kind of stress is so bad for you physically, and not only that but ruminating about all the things out there you can't conrol neither changes the situation nor does it make you feel any better about it. I asked him why on earth he would allow all these things to make him so unhappy when he has the power to choose not to. I told him that he deserves better than that.

While your boyfriend is right, that he can't help how he feels about things, he needs to realize that he *can* control how he reacts to those emotions. And making everybody else around you miserable is neither a healthy nor productive way to deal with those emotions.

Attitudes don't change overnight, but I can tell that my boyfriend has made alot of effort to change his outlook. The fact that he knows the way he'd been reacting to life was unhealthy, and the fact that he was willing to make an effort to change that, is the reason our relationship has stayed strong. When he starts getting too negative I just gently remind him that it's bringing me down too, and he'll at least take it down a notch.

Last night my BF IMed me after he got home from work and said, "I stayed an extra hour at work. It wasn't too bad. I've decided that I feel alot better about my job if I approach it differently." I said "Who are you and what have you done with my BF?!" lol. But I also told him that I am proud of him, and I really am. It takes a really big person to admit that what you've been doing is not working, and to make a concious decision to change that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2005
Tue, 07-04-2006 - 7:57am

Well he is like this often...but for specific reasons. He's very down on himself so if he's trying to lets' say, change a faucet, and it's not working then the world is against him, blah blah...give him 10 minutes and he's calmed down. IF something else comes up, even minor then it just becomes a days worth of him beating himself down...complaining about all these things that we can't change...

some days are worse...but believe me it makes it very hard to discuss problems with him because he will then turn it around to be the worst thing in the world...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2006
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 1:55am

Ahh..i've got one of those too at home. The " looks for everything wrong and dwells on it " type of guy. What I can suggest is that you tell him that you know things are stressful but tell him you are excited about all this and that you are glad you are doing it with HIM... together... and thank god you have him ( give him an ego boost while youre at it ! ) And ask if he has something negative to say to also think of something positive. Try not to get TOO excited about the new place, although I know how you feel and its hard not to. Think of something that you can do together as a couple ( Organize the garage, go to the hardware store and buy a new tool or something. ) He may feel overwhelmed by the financial burden of now being a homeowner. Good luck !! and Congrats !

Cindy
Mommy and wife

Cindy

Mommy to Derek ( age 6 ) and Leah born 4/16/09

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