He's on the verge of cheating!
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He's on the verge of cheating!
| Thu, 07-20-2006 - 6:07pm |
I recently found out that my husband (been married for 4 months) has several email addresses that i didn't know about. He uses them to communicate and chat online. But I've never seen him use them in front of me. I found them because now that we live together we use the same laptop and we frequented these websites and the computer would log his movements (cookies). Anyhow we discussed our feelings about them and how he would feel if I was doing the same thing. We came to the conclusion that it was inappropriate behavior for a married couple. Just recently I noticed he had been using one of them again that he said he would no longer access. I confronted him and he said that it must have been an error. Well, I very computer savvy so I knew it was not. I suggested that we both change the password so that neither of us can access it anymore. While doing so I noticed that he had a few emails from someone during the time he supposedly never logged in. Well I figured out a way to access the emails, cause he had a fit when I saw then and wanted me to close the computer. When I did, in the email to this person, they seemed to be playing catch up and reacquanting themselves when she asked when he was coming back home (we're both from out of state) he said in August and asked her "why did she want to hook up" she said yes and he agreed. He also went as far as to not mention me, his wife, and to indicate that there was no wife. I love my husband and though we are both inexperienced at marriage i know that this is not acceptable. I would like some feedback on suggestions for how to approach him or the situation.

Oh boy where to start.....let's see pathological liar and cheater runs into computer savvy snooper. This could be a TV movie for sure.
This board is generally pretty hard on snoopers but in this case while your actions are not justified they pale in comparison to his. So I am gonna focus on him and just assume that the next person you are with you will choose someone you are capable of trusting and refrain from snooping.
4 months and he is already making plans to hook up with someone and lieing to you about his contacts with others over the computer. I have to beleive that all this was going on right up until the marriage and he obviously thought he could continue to do this stuff even after you were married. His only regret at the moment has nothing to do with wedding vows or hurting you and everything to do with getting caught. Cause this is not a guy who is going through a rough change period with 2 small kids and a wife that is exhausted and has little left for him who made a stupid mistake(a reason some men stray however, not a valid excuse IMO), but you are married for 4 MONTHS....this is not a mistake this is his way of life that he apparently has no inclination to really change.
My advice....throw the laptop in the nearest lake and see if it is still possible to get an annullment.
You need to spend some time on the cheated on board and get some input from others there as to his behaviors and what a future with him most probably looks like....maybe I am off the mark, but the lieing etc at 4 months just seems a HUGE RED FLAG to me.
Good luck, P.
I agree with Orangecuse 100%, right down to the annulment. Your husband is not the man you thought you were marrying, not at all. He's proven himself to be a cheater and has likely been hooking up with women all the time he was with you - before your marriage as well. This is no small bump in the road, no small problem to be worked through. This is a character issue, a morals and values issue, this is what he believes is okay for him to do, this is who he is, what he does, and what he will continue to do throughout your marriage, the fact that he's doing it so early in your marriage says so. You do not need to spend your life with a man who lies and cheats on you. Living the rest of your life struggling against infidelity, trying to make a man be faithful who won't be is not a place you or anyone else should be. Get out now and don't look back. Staying longer will only make it harder to leave.
Read:The Truth About the Power of Love
7 Signs You Should Run From Your Partner
I'd also suggest posting on the Betrayed Spouses Support for their thoughts on your situation.
I'm sorry you're in the middle of this. It's not your fault and you don't deserve it. There are plenty of men who are quite capable and willing to be faithful, unfortunately, he is not one of them.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Bebe, the title of your post caught my eye today and I realized there's something else that's very important that you may not be thinking about. Your title is that he's "on the verge" of cheating. In reality, he's already cheated. When you're in a committed relationship you don't have contact with others for the purpose of "hooking up", you don't play romantic games with others, his contacts and his purpose have violated your relationship whether he's had physical contact or not.
I know you don't want to hear it, but he's already cheated and betrayed you.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"