His Best Friend has a Crush on him

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2006
His Best Friend has a Crush on him
5
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 8:39pm

My boyfriends best friend is his ex. They have been friends for nearly 10 years.
There is still tension there. I even had to speak to him about cuddling with her after 3 months of dating. He quickly admitted that was wrong and stopped.

She has no one else. I mean no one. No friends. She refuses to date anyone because she claims she is too good for them. ( Even he claims she is full of herself) My boyfriend is the only friend she has. She dropped the one friend she had because she was tired of hearing about the friend's boyfriend away in Iraq. he admitted she was getting lonely ( then get off your high horse and make a friend or two) Although she and my boyfriend stopped dating years ago, they still played the role and were always together. he also cant stop talking about her looks.

I feel like sometimes she is trying to paint herself as innocent and me as insecure. She told him I shot her a look. She told him she was afraid I hated her and that would limit her time with him. none of which are true. But she makes sure to have him call me when they are away, and to invite me most of the time. but I am thinking- why would she do these things if there was nothing to worry about? He has plenty of close friends who are girls. I adore them all. None of the rest bother me. Just her.

They make me feel like the third wheel when I am with them, as they have so much history. It seems like she loves it. Then when my boyfriend and I rant, she quickly gets quiet and changes the subject.
He also has admitted that this has come up on his previous relationship as being an issue. He assures me that there is a reason he is with me and not her.

But now he is working with her.

I dont want to come between my boyfriend and his best friend at all. Even if I did end up hating her. He should not have to chose. Maybe she is a decent person who is afraid of losing the only person in her life. I dont know. But she is making me nuts and ,y relationship with my boyfriend is being filled with unspoken tension. I am afraid to bring it up anymore because then I will painted as the one with a problem.

I dont want to lose him over this. Over anything. We are at the sensitive time, starting to fall in love. And this is slowly pulling us apart. What do I do? How do I make it more comfortable for us? I dont want to feel like there are 3 people in this relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 12:20am

Amber, you said you are at the sensitive time, starting to fall in love, how long have you been together? I would suggest falling in love with someone who allows this girl to get in the way (especially knowing it's happened in the past), someone who cuddled with this girl until you had to ask him to stop, someone who has almost certainly heard the same complaints from this girl before (you shooting her looks, etc.) may not be a move that indicates good self care or self protection. Don't you think you deserve a guy who puts you before another girl? I imagine that he doesn't act this way around his other female friends, which also means he knows the difference. Since even he says she's full of herself, why would he continue to be so involved with her? My guess is it's a big ego stroke for him and he'll take the damage it does to relationships to feel two women subtly at odds over him. Since he's assured you that there is a reason he is with you and not her, it would seem to follow that he'd not be interested in being around her. He's not stupid and he's not blind. He knows cuddling was inappropriate, but you had to ask him to stop (I wonder why you continued to stay, I'd have been out of there in a second without looking back). He knows what he's doing is inappropriate, but he does it anyway. Wondering here, would he be okay with you having the same relationship with an ex? Would it be okay with him if some guy were as involved, as cuddly, as much in contact? My guess is no. I know you don't want to hear this, but the fact that he's acknowledge this has caused problems in past relationships tells you this is not going to change. It's not that she's "winning", which I think may be how this feels to you, rather, it's that he refuses to change it or make it any different. The problem isn't her, it's him, he's allowing it and he's allowing it to continue.


Some of these articles may be pertinent to your situation:
7 Signs You Should Run From Your Partner
The Truth About the Power of Love
Is it just friends or infidelity?
Is It Cheating?








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2006
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 7:53am

You response is so greatly appreciated. Thank you for taking so much time to write that.
We had a conversation recently about it.... I forgot to mention that he shocked me by saying "If it is a problem, there is only one solution. Get rid of her. ". I was shocked. Did not know how to react. Was he testing me? I quickly stated that there should not be an issue of getting rid of anyone. Maybe he is just preserving as much as he can because I am letting him. That is my fault.

Here is a weird one. she invited him away for her birthday. I was invited of course. I dont think she expected me to come. The only reason I am going is to establish boundaries ( or maintain them ) . If I did not go, it would just be him and her. I am taking off of work,losing money, all because I just want peace with this. Just to establish to her that i am good person, dont want any of these complications and will get along with her as long as she returns the same, and as long as she realizes I am with him. Also to establish the boundaries that are comfortable with my boyfriend. Should I even bother going? I am dreading it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 10:20am

He goes from saying that the only solution is to get rid of her to going away with her for her birthday? I'm sorry, that makes NO logical sense. I think he only said to get rid of her because he knew you'd feel bad and tell him no, he didn't need to do that and he could continue as before.

SHould you go? Do you want to go? Based on your reasons for going, I would say no, you don't want to go. And going is not a healthy thing to do. It's not because you are allowing yourself to start down a path that is inappropriate. You shouldn't be controlling how and when he's with this girl. It shouldn't be an issue. A one time mentioning of all this is ALL it should take for the situation to get better, because he would either see a need or would understand that you see a need and that's all it would take. But it's not. Here he is, going away with her for her birthday after all this inappropriate contact... And you can tail along... WooHoo for you.

Why is THIS guy so important that you are willing to turn yourself into this needy, insecure woman to keep him?

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2005
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 12:53pm

I am in a similar situation with the exception of that I am married and my husband has had no previous relationship with his female best friend. She's married too. I totally relate to you feeling like the 3rd wheel. It's disheartening to me that my husband never listens to me but when the female best friend says the same thing, he listens to her. She has crossed the line with me several times when it comes to my husband. He invited her over to our house one Sunday and she folded his clothes, underwear and all! She HAS to sit in the front seat of our truck when we go out because she gets "car sick". She orders food for him that he doesn't like even after I told her not to. She makes a plate for him when we get appetizers but doesn't make me one. When his phone rings, she checks it.

I have learned one thing, and that is, that he allows this. Until recently this stuff didn't bother me and her and I were good friends. But now I see that other people see it too. My husband has backed off of her a lot after I talked to him about it. I think he is starting to see the inappropriate things she does for him, something she should be doing for her own husband. Maybe that's why her husband doesn't get along with my husband anymore and does not like it when she's out with him. It sounds like your boyfriend can identify these inappropriate behaviors but still allows some of them to trickle through. I have started to point the things out that make me feel uncomfortable to my husband and that has seemed to help. Each time, I tell him exactly what it is that bothers me. But again, it's a respect issue all around. I feel like we are still learning how to be married and I have been patient and the situation seems to be improving. The female best friend is Asian too, so somtimes I blame her culture on the things she does. I have not talked to her about it and I would be afraid to hurt her feelings because she is a drama queen. So, as long as my husband has respected my feelings on the subject and has taken steps to improve, I don't have a problem. Because I too don't want to alienate his friends from him. I don't want to be the bad guy but respect is an important thing.

Your boyfriend needs to respect your position and make choices where you are not left uncomfortable. The best friend needs to realize the things she's doing that compromise your position. It sounds like you are willing for this relationship to work and accept her as a friend as long as she doesn't cross the boundaries. But most importantly, you need to respect yourself and tell your boyfriend that you are no longer putting up with it. I think it is highly inappropriate for him to accept her invitation to go away with her. He should have explained that from the beginning. Maybe you could find her a single friend and go on a double date. Introduce her to some people and encourage her to make friends. Maybe you could take her aside and have a conversation with her and explain yourself and how she makes you feel uncomfortable. If this is going to work, you with him, and her outside the circle as a friend, everyone needs to be aware of situation and work to make it a healthy one. Good Luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 1:01am

I agree with Jen. I'd also like to suggest that there were more options to "get rid of her" or "keep her" when he said, "If it is a problem, there is only one solution. Get rid of her." Like, "The relationship with her is yours, you need to decide what you want to do." One thing about his statement though, it sounds like bull to me. Clearly "this is a problem", somehow I doubt that he isn't fully aware that it is. If he believes there's only one solution, then why does he give it lip service instead of just doing what he says needs to be done? IMO, the answer is, he doesn't want to; he wants to put you in a position where you've had the opportunity to tell him to get rid of her and didn't, that way, he can continue his relationship with her "with your permission".


I think the bottom line is that he's showing you very clearly who he is. You know what he thinks is appropriate, how he'll act and react, and the importance he'll give a relationship with you. This is what there is, this is what it's going to be like. You may think she's your problem, but she's not. He allows it and he encourages it. If she disappeared, sooner or later he'd find someone else to take her place because that's what his preference is, and that's where his ethics lie. Your relationship may be great in a ton of other areas, but this is pretty huge. Kind of like the guy who's sooo great, but has affairs with other women. The good part is good, but the bad part is unacceptable. There are plenty of guys out there who are great without the negative.


I don't know why you'd be happy or satisfied - let alone comfortable - in a relationship with someone who engages in these kinds of activities, which you know aren't appropriate. I can't think this makes you feel very good about yourself. Wouldn't you be much more satisfied and comfortable with someone who establishes his own appropriate boundaries and gives you and your relationship consideration? What has your gut been telling you? How long have you been together?







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"