His Ex-girlfriend is pregnant - Time Out

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
His Ex-girlfriend is pregnant - Time Out
4
Sun, 05-14-2006 - 3:14am

Hi there:

My boy-friend (30 yrs) and me (26 yrs) have been seeing each other for the last 3 weeks EVERY DAY. He has a little daughter (9 yrs) who likes me a lot.

On Wednesday, my boy-friend's ex (they broke up one month before we got together) called him and told him that she is pregnant from a one-night-stand they had after they broke up and before we got together.

She also talked bad about me, saying that I was sleeping around. Something she has no facts about. I think she wants to get back together with him. He says he does not want to have another daughter with a woman that he is not with. He also said that while they were together (on-and-off relationship for over 6 months and high-school sweethearts) they also had an abortion. She did not want to have the child because she was about to graduate and he did not want the child because he knew the relationship was bad and that he did not see a future.

Now, he does not know what he feels. He says he does not know if he still feels something for her or if he can imagine a life with her. He thinks he cannot be in any relationship right now. He told me he wants to first settle everything that is going on in his life before he can commit to a new relationship. He does not say "NO" just that he needs time.

I am afraid that he goes back to her...to a relationship that is bound to fail...considering their past (he said "she is a heartless bitch who lied to him and he could not trust her"...his words before he knew she was pregnant). He also said that he never trusted anybody as much as he trusts me. He also has never been this honest to someone.

I do not know how to give him time...what are the rules...how can I help him...make sure he knows that it is stupid to go back to her just because of the child...they were not happy without a child, had already an abortion, and do not trust each other.

His daughter told him to tell his ex that he has a girl-friend now. She wants us to be together.

Also, his ex talked bad about my boy-friend's ex wife (the mother of his child).
Which shows she is also a very controlling person.

It feels right being with him...it is just the drama with his ex I cannot take...

I am afraid I will lose him...please help me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Sun, 05-14-2006 - 1:56pm

You've been seeing this man for 3 weeks and already there is this sort of drama?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2006
Sun, 05-14-2006 - 1:57pm
Honestly, he will be dealing with his ex for the next 18+ years if they are having a child together. I say break it off now before you have to down the road, whan *you might be pregnant by a loser ex. JMO
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-14-2006 - 9:29pm

Dauda, I'm sure what you've been reading so far isn't what you wanted to hear; unfortunately, it's absolutely right. Not only that, but from what you said in your post, there are some huge red flags about this guy that should have you stopping and thinking about the wisdom of trying to continue this relationship.


First things first though. You've only been in this relationship three weeks, that amount of time can't even be considered a scratch on the surface; you may think you know a ton about this guy and things may be going great, but the truth is six months into a relationship you still don't know as much as you need to know about a guy; at three weeks you know virtually nothing other than how he appears when he's trying to impress someone. He's been straight with you and let you know he's not sure what he's going to do, and that's a good thing. He's not trying to lead you on or give you false hope. Take him at his word, if he knew for certain he wasn't going to go back with her he wouldn't have told you what he did, so all you can do is assume he is going to go back and move on with your life. I can almost hear you saying, "But what if he doesn't go back with her and I've moved on for nothing???" Well, what's the worst that could happen? He'll still know your number and still be able to call you and let you know he's decided not to go back to her. If, at that point you're in another relationship, you'll have a decision to make, and maybe, just maybe, your new relationship will be even better than the last three weeks with him has been and you'll be glad that you had the chance to move on. If not, you'll always be able to go back with him. So really, what's to lose? Nothing, other than the time he should be spending figuring out what he wants to do. All moving on does is give you more possibilities and take control of your own life. Those aren't bad things,they're smart, proactive things. His ex may be controlling, but that's his problem, not yours, something he has to deal with and handle, you have no place in that. Realize he'll be dealing with her control for the next 18 years. You can't handle this for him, it's not your place, it's not your situation, and to try and do so would be being controlling yourself. He's a big boy, he needs to handle his own problems, issues, and relationships with others.


Now for the warning flags.


1. First one may seem like picking, but I have to ask. You said he said he couldn't imagine having another daughter with a woman he is not with. Does he know it's a girl or would he be more excited if this baby were a boy? Either way, I find the fact that he'd single out one sex as a pretty clear indicator that he sees the sexes (as it relates to children) very differently, and that's not a good thing. Are boys more desirable? Is he thinking "Oh no, not another girl!"?


2. He said "she is a heartless bitch who lied to him and he could not trust her" The very alarming and telling thing about that statement is that this is someone he was with in high school -- and he's 30 now. If that's true, what the heck did he get back together with her for? Really now, why would you get back together with someone who's a liar, and a heartless bitch, someone you couldn't trust? To top it off, he's been back and forth with her for six months. That doesn't speak good things about him, not at all. Honestly, the fact that he'd speak badly about her doesn't say good things about him either. If he'll say bad things about her, he'll say bad things about you too.


3. He says he's never trusted anyone as much as he trusts you and he's more open with you than he's been with anyone. Honestly, Dauda, didn't it make warning sirens go off in your head when he said that? Didn't it make you want to turn and run as fast as you could? If it didn't, it really should have. Come on, this isn't some immature 15-year old, this is a 30 year-old man. He's been around the block enough times to know exactly what I'm telling you -- three weeks into a relationship is still fairy-tale land. You're both playing nice and showing each other the very best of each other. He knows three weeks in isn't reality. He knows it takes a good year for that. You ought to know some of that yourself. Let's pretend he doesn't (which is a warning all in itself because if he's that naive and immature, he's not ever going to be a mature adult), there's still major warnings that you should have plainly seen in that statement. He's never trusted anyone more than you, someone he's only known three weeks? Yiiiikes. That says scary things about his judgment of who's trustworthy and when you can judge them that way. He says he's never been as open with anyone as he has you? Yiiiikes. Again, that doesn't say bad things about every single person he's come in contact with for all of his 30 years, it says scary, bad things about him, his judgment and his maturity level. I hate to say this, but most likely those statements are lines that have been successful for him in the past. It impresses a girl and makes her feel like she's soooo important to him. If you're more trustworthy than anyone he's ever met and he's more open with you than anyone he's ever been with in his life you need to run as fast as you can. Trust is something that's earned, not just handed out. If he's trusting someone after three weeks, he's not using good judgment for himself and his life. And if he's using that kind of poor judgment with this you can bet he uses judgment that's just as poor in many other areas as well.


4. "His daughter told him to tell his ex that he has a girl-friend now. She wants us to be together." His daughter is nine years old and has no business knowing any of this drama. This is an adult situation, adult decisions and a child has no place being involved in any of it. Involving a child in adult situations is taking away her childhood, these are situations a child has no business being involved in. That's the most important part of that, the second part is that while it's sweet that this child doesn't want you to break up, again, she's nine. She has no idea what's right, wrong, healthy, unhealthy and even if she did, she wouldn't know what goes on inside your relationship, and as such would have no business offering her thoughts on whether the relationship should continue or not. She's a third grader, for pete's sake. Kids want all kinds of things that aren't possible, feasible, realistic, healthy or rational. Sure, she wants daddy to be happy, and she sees daddy being happy with you, all three-week old relationships are happy, they haven't gotten down to reality yet.


I think what you're doing is wanting something that isn't possible, you want your relationship to continue as if nothing happened, but something pretty big and serious has happened and it's not going to un-happen. He's told you very plainly, he's not able to have a relationship right now. Like it or not, that's your cue to bow out and move on, for now anyway.


Sorry you didn't hear more along the lines you were wanting to hear.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 1:27pm

dauda79,

I just had a few comments.

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I'm really wondering why if he really thinks this why they got back together on and off for so many years and why he slept with her again after they broke up and before he met you. Your BF may be 30 but he's acting like an immature irresponsible 18 year old.

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Children come from having sex, if he didn't want that committment to her for the rest of his life, then he shouldn't have slept with her.

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I agree totally with cl-2nd_life. This girl has no business being in the middle and should not know about the details of this. I just wanted to add that my step daughter thought that too until DH and I got married. Now she has totally flipped out, she's ditching school, sneaking out of the house with boys, lying, rebelling and she won't call DH or come see us. She was 11 years old when DH and I met and she loved me. She even told him she wanted to grow up to be like me. Now, she doesn't even want to see me. Trust me, when his daughter hits 13 it's going to be a whole new ball of wax for you.

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In my opinion if he goes back to her it's none of your business what happens in their relationship or what doesn't happen.

If this woman has this baby and your BF does not sign over his rights (which in my opinion if he does then he is not a "man", that he could walk away that easy says alot about his character and would not be someone I would want to be for my partner) then this child and this woman will be in your life no matter how long you are with him. If this happens you are going to have to just deal with it. You will have no right or power to tell him he can't see this child or this woman. When this child comes into this world it's not going to be about the ex, it's not going to be about your BF and it certainly isn't going to be about you anymore. It's about that baby and providing that baby with a healthy happy childhood so it can have a healthy happy life. Can you deal with that??

Best of luck,
defleppardgal

Defleppardgal