his insensitive remarks
Find a Conversation
| Sun, 11-20-2005 - 6:00pm |
My husband made a half joking remark today. Out of the blue he said "what are you gonna do about your big a**?". Laughing while saying it.
As some background, I have always been concious about my body. Pure vanity really. I have always worked out, and have been in great shape. I had a baby very young and snapped right back easily. I was sooo young though. I am 37 and got married in April '05 after an amost 7 year relationship. Over the past couple of years it has been more difficult than it used to be to really stay in shape. I never had to worry about it before. I guess my age is coming into effect now. My weight has fluctuated about 10 pounds for about 2 years. I am still in shape, but not as lean and still excercise regularly. I am 5'4" and am a size 5. He is also in shape and is 41. Not perfect...just in good shape. We are not workout freaks or body builders, but know that time is against us so we pay attention to it. In the past I got lazy for a bit and stopped working out. Never had a big effect on my body before, but is much more noticable in my mid 30's unfortunately. He mentioned it back then in the way that I was fat. Fat? No. Out of shape? yes. He knows this is a sensitive area for me but doesn't understand it. My feelings will be hurt probably no matter how he says it, but I think a softer blow would certainly help. He apologizes, but doesn't think it would matter how he says it. We are currently trying to have a baby. I have told him I am concerned that joking about weight while pg is going to be a big issue. I don't need the anxiety at that time especially. His remark made me cry of course. I feel unattractive and fat now. The last person I want to feel embarassesed and uncomfortable around is him. I asked him what he thought I could do differently to help. He says he has a suggestion, but has to think about an easy way to put it before he says something mean again. What does that mean?! What else can I do? I thought I did what I could do with the exception of obsessing, and keeping an extremely strict diet.
We broke up for a short time last year and today he mentioned that I looked better at that time. He has this theory of how girls lose weight AFTER they break up with someone. Yeah! No kidding, that's what happens to some when someone has broken you heart and you are crying alot instead of eating! It just pisses me off! He makes me sound like I am comfortable now so I don't bother and that is sooo not true. Am I over reacting or being too sensitive?
I am my worst critic and can see my flaws better than anyone. He wants to know how then he should have mentioned it. I don't have an answer except for gently. Any thoughts? Thanks for letting me vent.

I know it wouldn't solve anything, but in reply to an uncalled for comment such as that, I would have a dig at something he's sensitive about.
"Dunno. What are you going to do about your small penis?"
Seriously though, if he thinks that it's OK to speak to you like this, I'd be doing some serious rethinking of your relationship before having a child together. You do realise that his behaviour will be role modelled for the child?
I agree with Aisha on all counts. My reaction would be similar, either an equally cutting retort or a very indignant, angry one. I would be angry and offended. I would also be forced to look deeper into what this guy's thoughts on women, and respect for me in particular are. And I would also be concerned about having a child with a man who thinks this way and feels it's acceptable to voice such unacceptable comments. The impact would be negative on either sexed child, but what if you had a daughter, can you imagine him riding her about "being fat"? And even if he didn't she'd get messages and feel insecure as a result.
I have to tell you Xvegasx, if you wear as size 5 there's no way your fat or even out of shape that much. Sweetie, if your butt was that big you wouldn't fit into a size 5. Age and gravity do take its toll. Yes, you can certainly firm up and stay as fit as you can, but to some degree there will be sagging and less tone, no matter how much work you put into it. What's he going to do/say/think when you're older still and your body is less firm? What is your relationship based on, your looks or what's inside?
My take on the comment he made about having more to say but needing time to think about wording is that whatever he's going to say is not complimentary.
Are these kinds of comments and thought processes typical for him?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
(((Hugs))) to you.
I can tell you right now that comments like that will hurt more when you are pg than they do now. And that bouncing back is harder after the 2nd baby.
My mom was a 5'2 woman who wore a sz 6 for the longest time. I remember how tiny that was. By the time she died she had been a 12-14 for several years and she STILL wasn't fat.
I'm a firm believer that no matter how you look, you have to like who you are and not care what you look like. There are so many things that can happen that will change how you look. Illness, pregnancy, etc. If you don't love yourself enough to not care how you look, it can be difficult. This doesn't mean that you can't be healthy or fit, it just means that how you look isn't so important it depresses you if you aren't skinny enough. And he should NOT comment on your weight knowing it's a sensitive area for you. To do so says that he doesn't care if he hurts you.
Jen
I agree with all of your posts. Thank you for the replies.
He has apologized, over and over and said he tried to make a joke out of it and he didn't know what to say and he's not very good with that stuff. And yes he is a very say what's on his mind person. But, he knows that is a sensitive subject for me. I'm hard on myself enough. I also pointed out that during pg time it will be unforgivable and to get control over whatever he might think is funny or "helpful". I agree with the being mean back scenario. That is the first thing I thought of! Believe me a little "oh really, have you looked in the mirror lately" would have been good, but kinda pointless. Stooping to his level, ya know? I also explained how worried I am of being my age and how the pg will go. Petrified actually. Not quite so easy as the first time. I think he got that. He said he is just trying to help. I understand the idea, but I would never say that to him. I also told him it would have hurt a little, but that if he would have said maybe, "we" need to start working out more and eating better or I'm feeling kinda flabby how about you, would have done the job just fine. I think he feels he can be honest with me. Waaay too honest!I am not so concerned about the type of father he will be. I have a daughter, and have explained that even though he says what's on his mind, he cannot crush her, even with jokes, in any way. He understands that and is very careful I've noticed. I am very protective of her and will not tolerate that for any reason!
I believe he is sorry. He also said he won't ever bring it up again though. GOOD IDEA!!!
I do like myself, but wouldn't be happy just letting mself go either. It's just not me.
I am vain, maybe just enough though. Thanks for you support! I'm glad I wasn't the only one thinking it wasn't right.
Monica
It's...TWINS!
>>Believe me a little "oh really, have you looked in the mirror lately" would have been good, but kinda pointless. Stooping to his level, ya know? <<
Actually, it's not pointless. I remember being in the habit of saying what was on my mind years ago and a person turned it around and got me back. OUCH
The result was me *truly* realising just how painful such jabs can be. And I've never (knowingly) done it since.