Hopeless Situation,Need Good Advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2012
Hopeless Situation,Need Good Advice
8
Wed, 12-19-2012 - 4:21pm

  This is probably the oddest situation anyone's heard of but I need someone on the outside to talk to.I'm a 39 year old woman.About 20yrs ago I joined into business with my family.I have a disability where I cannot be alone but I was with family so it didn't matter.I kept up my job for 20yrs till it came to an end.Everyone pursued different things but it left me staying at home even though I was a grown woman.During that time I moved to the US to continue the family business.I had a visa which expired and am now getting a greencard.This of course takes time.Now I'm left at home unable to get a job legally nor get a licence.It leaves me totally dependant on family who in turn berate me for being a burden on them.I cannot go back to my home country there is nothing left there for me.I cannot move out with no job and no vehicle.It could take up to five years to get my greencard.

  Skipping ahead to today...Four years ago I met a wonderful man.He understands my disability and we are now engaged.He lost his job and took over a year to find a job that doesn't pay as well as his old one.He lives an hour away so he visits every weekend at my parents house.In the summer we are able to stay away and have our privacy.He has been so wonderful about this weird,stupid mess.The problem is I have a father who is dominering and verbally abusive.He treats me like a child.He doesn't want my fiance and I to be affectionate more than holding hands and a kiss on the cheek.Anything further is sinful.Now my fiance and I have agreed to wait for sex till we're married but we are affectionate.We have been together 4yrs and not had sex.I kept my father away as much as possible but now he is insinuating his way between us.My guy and I are planning to get married this year if we can get the money together to do so.My father is now wanting to set rules as to how my fiance and I are affectionate with each other.He says its his home and he has total authority.He's getting more verbally abusive and puts me down constantly.He's talked behind my back to family and friends and says they all agree with him.He turned my sister against me and her husband.My relationship with my mother is now at the breaking point too.I do not know what to do.I don't want to lose my fiance but my father kicked up such a stink last weekend that I told my fiance to take the ring back.It's not fair for him to deal with all this drama and rules.He said he won't leave but I dated another guy for a year before my fiance and I met and my father chased him away.He says he wants me out of the house and then strangles the relationship so much that they end up leaving me.I love my fiance so much and he does so much for me.He's almost 45yrs old and I'm 39.We act like adults.We don't either of us drink or party.We're not having sex in his home.We don't do drugs and there are no kids out of wedlock.What more does he want?? Before I met my fiance I was cutting myself the stress was so much.I don't know what to do.Right now I'm stuck here and my father knows and uses this against me.He threatens to leave my mother and I destitute unless we agree to his rules.I know this all sounds insane but I need advice and don't know what to do.Anyone have any ideas?Thanks so much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Thu, 12-27-2012 - 2:58am

Canadagrl1 ~ abuse is about a lot more than physically hitting.  Verbal/emotional abuse and control are also abuse and are just as or more damaging than physical abuse.  Your father is verbally and emotionally abusive. Your sister married a man who is abusive because she grew up with male role model who taught her to chose abuse and a female role model who stayed in an abusive relationship.  With your sister as an example of the unknowing choices those who grow up with and live with abusers make, you would do well to contact your local domestic violence hotline and take advantage of any/all help they have to offer you.  They can offer you counseling, shelter, job, legal and housing assistance and more.  

You haven't responded to those who asked about saving for a wedding and the very minimal cost of a basic marriage.  A marriage would resolve a lot of your residency/green card issues as well.... however, considering the abusive man you've learned to see as normal and the example you have of your sister as to how your judgment as to who would make a good partner may be far less than it should be, you'd do well to work with DV services until they tell you that you're in a position to make a wise decision.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2012
Thu, 12-20-2012 - 3:54pm
He doesn't hit me it's putting me down,making demands etc.He's talked behind my back to family members telling them there is nothing wrong with me and I'm not sick.I'm worried about marriage even though my fiance and I have been together 3yrs and he is sweet and gentle and allows me to talk through any issues we have.My father has gotten worse with age and my sister married an abusive man who tore her house up and stopped short of hitting her.They didn't date as long as my fiance and I have but I wouldn't have guessed my brother in law would verbally abuse my sister.Marriage scares me even though my fiance has never given me reason to doubt him.Maybe I'm just paranoid now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2012
Thu, 12-20-2012 - 3:45pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2012
Thu, 12-20-2012 - 3:24pm
We use to travel as a singing family and made our money that way.My sister married and moved on and I continued to travel another 4yrs but just couldn't get along with my father.He now travels with another group. My disability is fibromialgia {sp} and also TMJ which is arthritis in the jaws.I have sudden,violent dizzy spells.Sometimes they pass sometimes I can't move from the bed for a day.As far as getting away for the summer I meant my fiance can come over and we stay out and go to a park or whatever.When the winter comes it's to cold to stay away from the house.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2012
Thu, 12-20-2012 - 3:04pm
No I mean support me at least until a green card comes through.It's expensive to get a green card though I have a little money saved up.No there is no one else I could live with my family lives a thousand miles away and if I leave the country I could not return because I am in the middle of getting my green card.
Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Thu, 12-20-2012 - 8:27am

From what country did you emigrate?

You and your fiance can go down to the courthouse today and get your license and get married by a Justice of the Peace and be legally married.

You are being abused by your father--are there any women's shelters in your community or outreach programs (through the United Way) in your area?  You should look into that because what your father is doing is abusive and he's preying upon a vulnerable person with a handicap. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Thu, 12-20-2012 - 12:23am

I agree about the wedding....all it takes is a license and an official, not much money at all.  I'm also wondering if there isn't some work you could do?  You say you worked for your family business; what did you do and since it appears you're parents also now live in the U.S., why can't you continue to work for them?  May I ask what your disability is?  You say you're able to get away most of the summer, how are you able to do that -- how is it that your father allows this to happen?  Your answers will help to get you th good advice you're looking for.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 12-19-2012 - 7:00pm

When you say that your fiance is saving money for the wedding, do you mean for an actual wedding or to support you?  You don't actually need much money to get married--you can go to city hall and do it cheaply.  If you got married to a citizen and he applied for you it would take much less time for you to get a green card, then you could work.  Your father sounds a little nutty.  Is there anyone else you could live with like an aunt or something?  Maybe you could agree to do chores in exchange for room & board.