Hoping for insight.........(m)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2005
Hoping for insight.........(m)
21
Sun, 11-06-2005 - 10:46pm

.....from someone in a long term marriage/relationship, or someone knowledgeable.

I'll try to condense the story...lol. My husband and I have been married nearly 18 years. The first four years were spent in the military (him), and they were stressful to due his duties, but stable. And we were happy. Pretty poor (lol), but happy.

Lots of stuff has happened in between - he got out of the military, went to work, etc, etc, etc. As far as I knew, we were always happy for the most part.

8 years into our marriage, he confessed to an indiscretion that occurred during his time overseas in the military. We cried together, and I told him I forgave him. And I really did. We had managed to spend 8 happy years since, so even though I was in pain, I wrote it off as an immature, isolated act, and we proceeded. I don't think he ever had another episode like that exactly, but he is somewhat of a flirt. He was taking college classes, and I found notes that he had exchanged with girls in class. They were flirtatious notes, but didn't seem to lead to anything physical. I did confront him about some of them, but he stated that I was over-reacting. I convinced myself that he's just a flirt, and that I'd just have to deal with it.

The college years passed, we had another baby, and we both matured a great deal. Everything seemed wonderful. We led a crazy busy life, but I believed we were happy. Our kids were involved in things, we were involved in those same clubs, activities, etc. We had lots of great friends that we interacted with, and we even managed an annual romantic "escape" to a certain spot that we love.

A few months ago, his work took him away for a major project. The project is lucrative, so it's not one that he could easily turn down. For the first few weeks, we talked on the phone obsessively, and missed each other very, very much. I took the kids for a visit, and it was nice. Then, I went for a visit alone. He was busy with work, but it was still nice. We managed to spend SOME quality time.

Then after that, things got kind of weird. He was planning a visit home, but when he got off the plane, he immediately acted strange. He normalized after a little while, so I blew it off. We were intimate that night, and everything seemed fine. I figured he had just been nervous about coming home. But the next day, everything seemed weird again. That night, I couldn't stand it any longer, so I asked him point blank if everything was ok. After a little coaxing, he finally said that for the last 10 years or so, he feels that we have just been "good friends" and not a married couple. When I asked if he still loved me, he actually paused and said, "I Love you.....I just don't know that I'm IN love with you." My heart sank. I was like, "What?? Where is THIS coming from??" Then he proceeded to tell me how he feels that my level of affection had decreased to the point where he just felt that we were friends. I asked him, But what about all our trips together? The places we've gone? Our plans and dreams? So he admits that there were *times* that things felt good, but not ALL the time.

Ok, I'm not buying this. There have been times RECENTLY where we would sit and talk, holding hands over the table, and he would have that special look in his eyes that just radiates emotion. Plus, when he first went away, he would say (on the phone)"You have NO idea how much I miss you...." and he would sneak and make babysitting arrangements, then surprise me with the news that I was flying out for a few days.

Now if you're thinking "another woman," I've got to say....it really isn't likely. Given the circumstances of his job, women are few, and the ones there are quite a bit older. Plus, I am practically always able to reach him by cell phone, and he never seems "caught" if you know what I mean. PLUS, he claims to really want to fix things. He still calls a couple of times a day, and we talk. He even tells me that he loves me before he hangs up. And yes, I do still love him, very much. I know he wasn't always such a good boy, but I'd like to think he's grown up a bit in recent years. He says that he is "Hopeful" in regards to our working things out. I'll tell you - this guy is unique. He works so hard, that he works himself into a frenzy and causes himself a TREMENDOUS amount of stress. So stressed in fact, that he gets migraines.

If you've hung this far, thank you SO MUCH.

So these are the possibilities I'm thinking. I would LOVE input/advice.

a. Maybe he's (unconsciously) resentful of me for getting to spend all the time with our kids. (he's crazy about them!)

b. Maybe he's applying a defense mechanism. If his feelings are "off," then he doesn't have to miss me while he's away? That would certainly explain why this came up so suddenly and recently.

The main thing I'd like to know is this: Could it be perfectly normal for a man to question his feelings about his partner after 18 years under stressful conditions, but eventually come back around? (If anyone knows for a fact this can happen, PLEASE let me know)

Part of me just wants to fix this no matter the cost....I do love him. Another part of me is angry! If I did withdraw my affection at times, it was no wonder! It was HARD WORK getting past that indiscretion, plus all the flirty notes. I've stood by and waited patiently during his military time, and now during a very demanding career. I care for our children alone while he is away at this time, and I just can't believe that he has come up with this. Worst of all, we have to try and fix this over long distance and the weekends that we are together. Not easy!

Like I said, if you got this far. You are an angel. I am so anxious for advice on this. Thanks in advance for any that you can offer. My heart has felt like it's had a knife plunged into it for about a week now.

Thanks again!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 2:24am

I'm not sure I understand. In your estimation is infidelity (including inappropriate contact with the opposite sex) a maturity issue? That would say that it's okay for those in their teens and 20's to "fool around". If that's what you're saying, I don't agree. Men who cheat - as well as men who have inappropriate contact *a form of cheating too* don't do it out of lack of maturity, they do it based on their set of values, morals, character and entitlement. They don't see it as a problem, they think it's okay. Even if they don't think it's okay for everyone, they think it's okay for them -- or they find ways to justify their actions to make it "different", "understandable". If you're waiting for a guy who fools around to quit, stop waiting. The fact is, if they've done it once it's a pretty big warning flag, if they've done it twice, they've shown it to be a character/value/moral issue, something that they do and something that they'll certainly do again.


My husband spent many years in the Navy and is quite familiar with the places you describe that "cater" to servicemen. He has told me many times that he saw plenty of married men readily and routinely go off to be "serviced", while many others, as well as single men, did not.


I understand putting on a happy face for the kids, but I don't understand whitewashing the issue on the board, or in "real life" (non-kid time). Nothing to be gained from pretending a situation is different than it is, working to delude ones self only serves to prolong the issue. Until you face it and deal with it, you have no hope of resolving it. He's lying to you, you know it. If I were you (and I'm not) I would play hard ball. Sit down with reality glued in your head, ready to be unbudgeable. Until the answers make sense, don't accept them. Don't get swayed off course, don't buy crap. When he feeds you crap tell him it's crap and repeat your demand for the truth. That's what I'd do. I would not allow him to spoon feed me crap and pretend to like it. I would play hard ball big time and I would be unmovable until I heard something that truly makes sense.


Of course you don't know how to plan this holiday time, how can you know? You don't know what's going on, all you know is what he's saying is bull. How can you know how to address it? How can you begin to move forward or fix a problem that's unspoken, invisible, denied and is pretended it doesn't exist? Until you've got the facts, you're as at a loss as if I told you to plan an event, but I refused to tell you what kind of event to plan for. Perhaps what you plan is an "intervention", a "come to Jesus meeting". Nothing in the room but you, him and the motel bed and table. Time to sit down and get tot the heart of the matter. It won't be fun, but you'll know what you have in the end. Oooh, just read you to say you don't want tension. Then what I'd do definitely won't work for you. But, I don't know how you'll avoid tension, you'll be tense as long as you're in the dark. As for romance, I don't know how you plan a romantic evening when romantic is the last thing you're feeling. My personality is such that I don't like to live in pain for long, I'd rather step up to the plate, take the reality, whatever it is so I can begin to deal with it and get it moving along. Living in chaos, confusion, fear and uncertainty are not things I do well. I'll take the hits and get 'em over with, thank you very much; it would be hard for me to have a "nice time" all the while trying to pretend this huge elephant wasn't in the room with us.


You say you're afraid of considering life single. I guess as long as you don't know what's going on, and don't know what can be done to remedy it, the threat of being divorced is heightened for you, you can't know how possible - or not - it is. To me, living in the fear of the unknown is a much greater hell than knowing what you're dealing with. Awareness allows for leaving the demons of the fears that don't apply behind, focusing on the real issues at hand, giving you every opportunity to take positive and correct steps to remedy it. Sloshing around in the murky water you're in is emotionally exhausting and gets you nowhere. At least that's how I see it.


Counseling would be a good thing. Check your medical insurance to see what they cover and whether or not you need a referral, have to use preferred providers or can choose your own. Here are a few articles that may be helpful to you get started:
REFERRALS FOR A QUALIFIED THERAPIST
YOUR THERAPIST/COUNSELOR'S CREDENTIALS
What to Expect in Your 1st Therapy Appt.


There is one point that I disagree with in these articles. One of them says you should not see a therapist recommended by a friend or family member. In my opinion and experience, if you live in a small town, that may be impossible. Also, when you consider that your compatibility to your therapist is of great importance to your success, if a friend recommends a therapist who was great for him or her and your personalities are similar, there's every chance this could be a great therapist for you too. Now, if you have an issue that involves that friend that you'll be working with your therapist on, then yes, I'd say that would be a conflict and he or she would not be the right therapist for you.


You're not "taking up your fair share of board time", responding is a choice, not a requirement. Those who are responding do so because they choose to, so please don't think you're "taking time" -- you're not. Take all the time - and board space you want and need, it's an unlimited commodity.







~ cl-2nd_life

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but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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