Hoping you can help, communication horrible!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2009
Hoping you can help, communication horrible!
18
Fri, 11-12-2010 - 1:37pm

Hello all,

I am really hoping you can help me. DH and I have been married for 3 1/2 years and just had our first baby. Communication has ALWAYS been a problem with us. Normally we are good but when he has just a few drinks it gets bad.

I will start with last night just as an example. He works a lot, dont get me wrong but he also makes lots of time for friends and drinking. So, last night he said he was going over to his Mom and Dad's to work on something and he would be home around 6:30. I never called him because I assumed he was working on what he said. He is normally late by a good half an hour sometimes 3. So, he called at 7:30 saying he was supprised that I hadnt called him yet, and that he was at a friends house who asked him to be an usher in his wedding. I asked him if he could come home then because he keeps missing days with his son because he is working or just hanging out with buddies. I then turn into nagging wife and call until he heads home. Finally at 8 he is headed home. (an hour and a half since he said he would come home)

Starts complaining about the clothes that are folded but not put away. (Babies clothes and he was in bed didnt want to wake him up) I am in bed already because I have to be at work at 6. He then keeps slamming doors and complaining loud enough for me to hear about everything he can think of I am sure. Finally he comes to bed and starts yelling at me for calling him and texting him. I said "you are so inconderate, you are a father, when will you start acting like it and be home? Take part in his life? And your wife who you have always put second to your friends, where are

Pregnancy%20ticker

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Fri, 11-12-2010 - 2:43pm

I don't say this much on this board, and I have read a lot of stories, but I truly believe you have made a poor choice for a life partner.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Sat, 11-13-2010 - 1:39am

Welcome to the board, N_jean91 ~

I have to say, communication is not your problem.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2010
Sun, 11-14-2010 - 1:57am

I'm wondering how old the two of you are. This guy sounds like he is very immature and/or like he has a drinking problem. He doesn't sound interested in being a husband or father. He wants to hang out with his buddies and come and go as he pleases and gets nasty when he can't. It sounds like he just doesn't want to be there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2009
Tue, 11-16-2010 - 12:15am

Thank you guys for your replys. I may have made things sound a little worse than they really are but then maybe I'm just sticking up for him because the first reply hurts to hear. You see, he does these things only when he is drinking. It is the communication thing the other times.

I havent had time yet to read those links but I will the next few nights. I do know that IF or when it happens again, I do plan on leaving and staying with his parents. He does listen to his mom and so if she knew what he does and says I am sure that she would be embarrest. She would stick up for me and be there to help us along. I'm off to read those links now. Thanks again.

BTW- I'm 24 and he is 31.

Pregnancy%20ticker
Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Tue, 11-16-2010 - 1:19am
Hugs, N_jean91 ~ I really doubt you've made things sound worse than they are, in fact, you did a pretty good job of suggesting it was only a communication problem, that's not making it worse than it is, that's downplaying the situation. I do get feeling like it's not that bad....I excused my own situation that way too. It easy to do, especially a day or two after the ugliness, it doesn't seem so big then, it seems like it was no big deal, and since everything's back to fine, it feels easy to shrug off and leave in the past. Unfortunately, it's not in the past when it keeps coming back on a regular basis.

I think leaving is a good idea, but I don't see what you think going to his parents is going to accomplish. His mom knows how he is and will be embarrassed and he listens to her.... do you really think his mommy's going to give him a talking to that will make him change how he acts for the rest of his life? You've got to know this is grasping at straws and will have zero impact on how he acts in the long run. It seems you're looking at leaving as a threat; that if he thinks you'll leave he'll magically turn into a non-drinking, non-verbally abusive guy who wants to be at home and wants to be a parent. I get wanting that and wishing that could happen, but logic and reality has to be at the forefront, and that says you're looking at how he is, period. As Dr. Phil says, “the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior”, and you've got three years of past behavior to clearly tell you what you can expect in the future.

I know all the replies have been hard to read and I know this isn't how you want things to be – boy do I understand that, but this is what it is and this is what you have to deal with. Stay and continue the kind of life you have now, which is damaging and unacceptable for you and your child – or move on to a life that is healthy and is good for both you and your baby. You deserve a man who wants to be a father and a partner, a man who treats you with respect and care, that's not the man you're with, and as long as you're with him, you won't have the basics of what you should have.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2009
Tue, 11-16-2010 - 2:56am

Okay, so I am abused. :smileysad: now what? Is there anything I can do to get him to quit? I know it sounds just like every other woman who has stayed. I do NOT want my son to grow up and treat another woman the way I am treated. What do I do? Help me from here. His family has no idea. Mine has some as I had to vent to someone. He listens to his mother, do I go to her? I know she would take my side. Please help me.

Pregnancy%20ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2009
Tue, 11-16-2010 - 3:03am

You have a point. I do believe that if I do go to his parents that he will just use that against me the next time around. But I know that he can be a good man. I just feel like it is his drinking that does it. Not that I'm giving him an excuse because there is no excuse but he doesnt do it when he is sober. I'm lost right now.

Pregnancy%20ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2010
Tue, 11-16-2010 - 3:27am

Since

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Tue, 11-16-2010 - 11:05am
I'm at work and won't be able to fully reply until tonight, but it''s important to note that couples cousneling is NEVER recommended in abusive sitautions. No counselor who is trained in DV will consider counseling a couple when abuse is involved.

~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Tue, 11-16-2010 - 11:08am
Jean, I'm at work and won'tbe able to fully reply until tonight. In regard to goig to his mother, yes, not having this behavior stay a secret is a healthy thing to do, silence keeps you stuck, but if you think having his mother's side will somehow change anything, I have to ask you what you think will change? Having someone to talk to is good, but beyond that, she can't help.

In regard to the other questions you've asked, I would first urge you to read the links I posted for you.

I'll be back tonight.

~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_

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