hostility towards men
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hostility towards men
| Wed, 10-18-2006 - 1:52pm |
Can anybody out there enlighten me on the "hostility towards men" issue? When I stand up for my rights, I am being accused of hostility towards men. I thought it was part of battle of the sexes.... Sometimes I do see men as the enemy. I am married and this issue is popping up -- like when my husband says he does not want to be the provider in the family. I think that men have their agenda and sometimnes it's different from the agenda of the family -- or the woman in the family.
Any thoughts on that?
Any thoughts on that?

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Okay, I understand the spending. And I certainly don't think it's unreasonable to do $100 a month to help your child acclimate.
And, I don't think that this is a discussion representative of "hostility toward men." I do think you're a bit hostile toward your husband, but not necessarily without reason.
So, I guess I would like to know what kind of provider you would like. I'm guessing you're about in your mid-40s and that your daughter is 6+ years old, so she's in school for a chunk of every day. Right?
What do you want him to do? To what length do you want him to provide for the family? Is this about wanting him to be able to pay off old bills, cover all new "regular" expenses (heat, hot water, phone, mortgage, etc.), a vacation once a year, and "modest" clothing extras? Or do you want him to be able to underwrite buying clothing at full price in expensive stores? I have no problem at all with him covering the bills and paying debts. But I'm more concerned about where the spending levels you can control fall. I'm not suggesting that you shop at a thrift store, but there's a huge difference in price tags at Chanel/Ralph Lauren/Lord and Taylor/Macy's/Filene's/Neiman Marcus and JC Penney/Sears/Target.
And do you not want to work at all (I mean while DD is at school)? What do you want to spend your days doing? Is your day full of housework and cooking? I just am confused by what you expect your day to be.
I'm not trying to be a jerk, please don't take my questions that way. I think it might help everybody to know where you fall on the spectrum.
- J
I understand where you are going, and no you are not being a jerk. Yes, I am 47, DD 8+. Prior to this marriage I had a house and still have. I agreed to pay the debts accumulated overseas -- after all I did not want to lower the standard of living while being overseas and him kick starting his career. As to providing -- I am rebuilding my business and it requires marketing, cold calling etc. We agreed that I will pay the mortgage since it is my house and he has no claim on it. What I am looking for is about $1500 a month to cover the utilities, insurance, groceries. And that is not outrageous by any standard.
As far as shopping is concerned -- forget the brand names -- I am not into it and can't afford it. I will be shopping in thrift stores this year - I don't care, I don't need anything. I buy the stuff in walmart for my daughter -- we are not taking outrageous spending here. Youa re rught -- I am hostile to my husband -- he has his issues with women obviuosly. This is a secod marriage for both of us. For me in the first marriage money was not an issue -- he was an excellent provider. For my present husband money has always been an issue and I think he is carrying his anger over from the 1st marriage.
For crying in a bucket -- I am looking for a mere $1500 a month for this year until we regroup and no, I don't want to lower my standard anymore. Please, we are taking thrift shop and walmart here...
I think part of the issue here is that we are not on a level playing field financially -- he is in a hole and I have a house. My suggestion was -- whatever $ he makes after the $1500 it's his until he gets out of the hole and doesn't feel inferior financially. But I am not going into a hole to level out the playing field.
I apologize. You are being very rational about this. And I think reasonable, too. Thank you for clarifying. Actually, I think more money wouldn't be unreasonable. $1500 a month to help support a family is nothing, really.
I wish I had some profound advice I could offer. I am sorry that things are working like this. You are absolutely correct that you should not dig yourself in deeper to bail him out, especially given his thoughts on essentially cutting you loose and only covering your DD and himself.
Has he declared what he would like to do with HIS money? Has he talked about how he thinks it should be spent? You could always sit down with him, the bills, and a calculator to see if he can come up with a better way to budget and spend.
Like I said, you're not hostile towards men, just your husband. Please don't confuse the two.
Maybe someone else can be more helpful than me.
((HUGS))
- Jenn
Thank you!
((HUGS))
Have you tried some counseling to work through some of these issues. Cause I am hearing a couple of things....
1) you have a very rational aproach to the money issues and have an amount and a strategy to get the family back on track....yet big emotional issues seem to be overwhelming this....makes me think the money is not the real issue (focusing on hostility toward men, him being a provider, his anger from his first marriage). If that is the case you should put the money issues aside and get focused on the relationship problems (resentment, hostility, etc.). BTW telling most men or hinting at most men that they are not being providers is just about the most damaging thing you can say other than telling everyone he has a small you know what.....it is part of the "man" wiring for most and that leads me to my 2nd thought
2) while you may totally have the right answer here your delivery sounds hostile to me....now you may talk totally differently to him than you do to your virtual friends here on iVillage, but if you are communicating this hostility he is likely being defensive and a good solution may be DOA becuase of the delivery.....this is something a therapist can help mediate with the two of you by working on how to best communicate feelings etc. Again don't konw if this is an issue cause I don't see you talk with him but it struck me from the implied tone in your posts.
Wishing you the best, P.
Thanks, I get your point 1...
But what's DOA in this context???
I'm assuming that he meant the "solution" to the problem would be "dead on arrival" base on the presentation.
But Orange is more than capable of clearing that up himself ;-)
Peace,
Di
***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***
Peace,
Di
***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***
with apologies the my fellow members of the brotherhood of men....
Men are suprisingly susceptibe to sweet talk from women. I was at a business conference where the instructor quoted some research that said that women who complement men in a "sales" situation do better than men who may have a better product...even when the complement is blatantly obvious or even untrue.
You might want to check out the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr Laura Schlesinger...it is all about how to use your power as a women to get what you want in your marriage.
Best wishes, P.
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