house guests
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house guests
| Wed, 03-30-2005 - 7:45pm |
Hi...my boyfriend of 4 months (we live together). One of the things we never discussed before we moved in with each other was house guests. I just always assumed he felt the same way: any overnight house guests, we must both know really well...agreed upon in advance and it happens rarely. Well...this morning, without any notice, my boyfriend calls me and informs me that his friend, I'll call him "Dave" is going to stay overnight with us cuz he's coming into town. I was like, wha?? I felt kinda uncomfortable about that cuz I don't know him and I'm not accustomed to anyone other than my boyfriend staying overnight, and it was extremely short notice. Well...I was gonna deal with it but then my boyfriend informs me that the guy will stay in our house alone without me or my boyfriend (while we are both at work). I don't leave for work till 11am and that also would be very weird to be in my pajamas with some guy I don't know too!! Anyways, I was like, 'no freaking way' (in a nicer way). My boyfriend totally was dumbfounded that I feel the way I do. I don't want one of his friends staying in our home alone!! I need some insight...am I being too weird about this whole thing? He thinks I'm totally crazy. To boot...I have two cats that I'm really weird and protective of...what if this guy keeps the door open (they are indoor only)..and they get out...or he hurts them or something?? Help please...I understand that this is something we should have discussed first but we didn't. I love this man so much...but how can I explain to him that I am jusitified in feeling weird and upset about this whole situation. Thanks...Robyn

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pet names...other girls *grrrrr* :) I'll be back soon!
"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I don't think it's something he's going to understand, Robyn. Rather, it's going to be one of those things he just needs to recognize that's different for you than it is for him and accept it. Unfortunately, you're in the same boat, this is an issue that you need to recognize is different for him than it is for you and accept it. Somewhere in the middle you'll have to find a compromise that you can both accept and agree to.
In all honesty, I think he should a great lack of respect for you by inviting his friend over without discussing it with you first. This is your home too after all, and you deserve the respect to be considered and your agreement sought before the invitation is extended. I would't have dreamed of just assuming you'd be fine with it. Did you move into his place? If so, it sounds like he still thinks of it as "his" and you're staying there with him, more like a guest than a resident. Do you pay half the rent and utilities or does he pay them all? Those kinds of things could have a bearing in what happened.
I'm assuming since this was a last minute arrangement that the friend is there. When he leaves you need to set some rules and boundaries so that this doesn't happen again. And if you don't talk to the friend about being careful not to let your cats out, I would. I'd also take the added precaution of locking them in an area where they won't be able to gain access to an outside door.
"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I know this is a little late, but I just wanted to chime in because I can see where your BF is coming from assuming that it would be ok to have a houseguest.
In my family, houseguests are common and sometimes there is more notice and sometimes not. It's just the way we are. And when there are houseguests, they often get a key to the house so they can come and go. I trust my family and friends, so having them in our house without us there has never been an issue.
To me, it sounds like you and your BF just have different backgrounds when it comes to houseguests and that some compromises like you have worked out will help a lot next time this comes up.
I'm glad it all worked out, and I'm glad you were able to talk about it and reach an agreement for future houseguests. Some things just have to pop up in order to recognize the differences between the preferences and styles of two people. I'm glad that you didn't let him avoid facing the problem, avoiding it until it's not longer an "immediate" (and therefore no longer an "important") problem might seem easier, but it's not. Avoiding them doesn't deal with them, doesn't resolve them and doesn't give you any improved way of dealing with the issue in the future. It does, however, stuff it down so it becomes an unresolved problem to come up again (and more anger and frustration with it) and eventually if you stuff problems rather than deal with them, there becomes such a stack that your relationship cannot survive. There's nothing like having ten years or so of unresolved problems come spilling out when any one issue comes back to haunt you. There are so many issues swirling around at that point that it's impossible to focus on just one. I lived that life once, never again. Insisting that the topic be addressed set a precedent for your relationship that says problems will be dealt with and not ignored. Good going. Keep it up.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I agree with pandabu's assessment - are you sure you're not trying to change him too much?
From the things you've posted about, it seems as if you are trying to "mold" him into something you'd like better. Like him having friends before he met you and having nicknames for them. You didn't like that, so he stopped calling them that. And now this - he's used to allowing friends to occassionally stay even if nobody is home. You didn't like that so he stopped that also. If he continues along this path, his friends may start to "dislike" you (i.e. "John isn't nearly the same friend that he was before he met iamlinkgirl") and that may lead to resentment on his part.
Also, if he's making these changes to please you (in an earlier post you said something to the effect of "he finally sees how serious this was to me"), that could backfire. Early in a relationship (you're only a couple of months in) people tend to bend more for the other person. But if he's only doing it to please you and not because he believes it, then he may begin to have frustrations.
Don't get me wrong - people should change somewhat for the person they love. But it should come from within, not because they are told to do it. Besides, if they change too much, they are no longer the person you fell in love with.
It sounds to me as if you two are quite a bit different - he sounds like an extrovert while you're an introvert. That *can* work great (my wife and I are like that), but both of you have to accept the other for who they are and not try to make them into who you are (if that makes sense).
Jeff
I hope I didn't imply that I'm the kind of person who must have it her way all the time. I'm not, but I sure don't like visitors without a little fair warning when possible - whether from the visitors or as in the OP's post, her boyfriend.
I have friends who are just like you, Firstamendment...and I admire their hospitality traits. I wish I were more like that. They're the ones that always have a houseful of people and SOMEHOW are always prepared....whether it's a well stocked fridge or cookies just out of the oven. I keep hoping their ways will rub off on me!! lol
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