house guests

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2004
house guests
31
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 7:45pm
Hi...my boyfriend of 4 months (we live together). One of the things we never discussed before we moved in with each other was house guests. I just always assumed he felt the same way: any overnight house guests, we must both know really well...agreed upon in advance and it happens rarely. Well...this morning, without any notice, my boyfriend calls me and informs me that his friend, I'll call him "Dave" is going to stay overnight with us cuz he's coming into town. I was like, wha?? I felt kinda uncomfortable about that cuz I don't know him and I'm not accustomed to anyone other than my boyfriend staying overnight, and it was extremely short notice. Well...I was gonna deal with it but then my boyfriend informs me that the guy will stay in our house alone without me or my boyfriend (while we are both at work). I don't leave for work till 11am and that also would be very weird to be in my pajamas with some guy I don't know too!! Anyways, I was like, 'no freaking way' (in a nicer way). My boyfriend totally was dumbfounded that I feel the way I do. I don't want one of his friends staying in our home alone!! I need some insight...am I being too weird about this whole thing? He thinks I'm totally crazy. To boot...I have two cats that I'm really weird and protective of...what if this guy keeps the door open (they are indoor only)..and they get out...or he hurts them or something?? Help please...I understand that this is something we should have discussed first but we didn't. I love this man so much...but how can I explain to him that I am jusitified in feeling weird and upset about this whole situation. Thanks...Robyn

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: iamlinkgirl
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 11:01pm

Welcome back, Robyn. I'm going to get to your post as soon as I can, and it shouldn't be long, but in the meantime I wanted to provide the link to your previous post so those who may get here before me have the benefit of a clearer understanding of you and your situation:
pet names...other girls *grrrrr* :)

I'll be back soon!

~ cl-2nd_life


"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: iamlinkgirl
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 11:54pm

I don't think it's something he's going to understand, Robyn. Rather, it's going to be one of those things he just needs to recognize that's different for you than it is for him and accept it. Unfortunately, you're in the same boat, this is an issue that you need to recognize is different for him than it is for you and accept it. Somewhere in the middle you'll have to find a compromise that you can both accept and agree to.


In all honesty, I think he should a great lack of respect for you by inviting his friend over without discussing it with you first. This is your home too after all, and you deserve the respect to be considered and your agreement sought before the invitation is extended. I would't have dreamed of just assuming you'd be fine with it. Did you move into his place? If so, it sounds like he still thinks of it as "his" and you're staying there with him, more like a guest than a resident. Do you pay half the rent and utilities or does he pay them all? Those kinds of things could have a bearing in what happened.


I'm assuming since this was a last minute arrangement that the friend is there. When he leaves you need to set some rules and boundaries so that this doesn't happen again. And if you don't talk to the friend about being careful not to let your cats out, I would. I'd also take the added precaution of locking them in an area where they won't be able to gain access to an outside door.

~ cl-2nd_life


"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2005
In reply to: iamlinkgirl
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 1:02am
From your two posts it sounds like you two are different personality types. They might seem to be minor differences, but I think it goes deeper than that. You didn't like how he refers to women and now you're not liking how he handles guests. See what I mean? Is it possible you jumped into a living together situation before you'd spend enough time to know the compatibility was right? I hear some clashing on some basic levels.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2004
In reply to: iamlinkgirl
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 6:53pm
Thanks for your response :) Yes, the friend did end up staying...my boyfriend took the day off of work thankfully but we ended up having a little tiff about it. Two days later, I got sick of his mopy attitude cuz he wasn't talking about it...he said he just wanted to forget it. Finally, we talked. We agreed that any people who stay over at our house will not stay in the apartment without one of us there. However, it was really important to him that if for some reason he can't be there until I go to work, that I will play host even if it is really uncomfortable for me. He appreciated that I would be willing to do that BUT I stressed that it would be preferable that he get advance notice for any house guests, clear it with me first, and try to get the day(s) off work. He said that he was scared that I wouldn't accept his friends and family as my circle of friends ever. As an update to my prior post about him calling other girls pet names...everything is really good with that now. I haven't had a problem with that issue since I posted and talked to him about it. Actually, everything seems to be falling into place with our very different personalities :) We are starting to compliment each other very well. Thanks for your advice :)
Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: iamlinkgirl
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 8:02pm

I know this is a little late, but I just wanted to chime in because I can see where your BF is coming from assuming that it would be ok to have a houseguest.

In my family, houseguests are common and sometimes there is more notice and sometimes not. It's just the way we are. And when there are houseguests, they often get a key to the house so they can come and go. I trust my family and friends, so having them in our house without us there has never been an issue.

To me, it sounds like you and your BF just have different backgrounds when it comes to houseguests and that some compromises like you have worked out will help a lot next time this comes up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: iamlinkgirl
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 10:07pm

I'm glad it all worked out, and I'm glad you were able to talk about it and reach an agreement for future houseguests. Some things just have to pop up in order to recognize the differences between the preferences and styles of two people. I'm glad that you didn't let him avoid facing the problem, avoiding it until it's not longer an "immediate" (and therefore no longer an "important") problem might seem easier, but it's not. Avoiding them doesn't deal with them, doesn't resolve them and doesn't give you any improved way of dealing with the issue in the future. It does, however, stuff it down so it becomes an unresolved problem to come up again (and more anger and frustration with it) and eventually if you stuff problems rather than deal with them, there becomes such a stack that your relationship cannot survive. There's nothing like having ten years or so of unresolved problems come spilling out when any one issue comes back to haunt you. There are so many issues swirling around at that point that it's impossible to focus on just one. I lived that life once, never again. Insisting that the topic be addressed set a precedent for your relationship that says problems will be dealt with and not ignored. Good going. Keep it up.





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown









"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
In reply to: iamlinkgirl
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 12:28am
Hi Robyn - I'm late on my reply too....since the problem's been handled. But for what it's worth...I get it. I'm private and I don't like my space or comfort zone invaded. Every friend I've ever had will vouch for that. lol! As a rule, I'll grin and bear it...but I don't like it! I've just always been one of those people who thinks a home is where you can be you...lose the bra, pull the hair up, unwind and the only place on earth that you don't have to be "on" or "ooh and aaah" over someone else. I know....sounds selfish, but it works for me. Just wanted you to know you're not alone in your thinking! Here's to this problem never having to come up again.
Avatar for jeffkristi
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-1998
In reply to: iamlinkgirl
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 9:48am

I agree with pandabu's assessment - are you sure you're not trying to change him too much?

From the things you've posted about, it seems as if you are trying to "mold" him into something you'd like better. Like him having friends before he met you and having nicknames for them. You didn't like that, so he stopped calling them that. And now this - he's used to allowing friends to occassionally stay even if nobody is home. You didn't like that so he stopped that also. If he continues along this path, his friends may start to "dislike" you (i.e. "John isn't nearly the same friend that he was before he met iamlinkgirl") and that may lead to resentment on his part.

Also, if he's making these changes to please you (in an earlier post you said something to the effect of "he finally sees how serious this was to me"), that could backfire. Early in a relationship (you're only a couple of months in) people tend to bend more for the other person. But if he's only doing it to please you and not because he believes it, then he may begin to have frustrations.

Don't get me wrong - people should change somewhat for the person they love. But it should come from within, not because they are told to do it. Besides, if they change too much, they are no longer the person you fell in love with.

It sounds to me as if you two are quite a bit different - he sounds like an extrovert while you're an introvert. That *can* work great (my wife and I are like that), but both of you have to accept the other for who they are and not try to make them into who you are (if that makes sense).

Jeff

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: iamlinkgirl
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 10:05am
I am the opposite. Anybody I know (and like) is welcome in my home at any time, even on short notice. If I was living with someone or married, anyone they knew would also be welcome. I can't imagine telling a friend they could not stay at my home because it would make my bf uncomfortable, or making my bf do the same.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
In reply to: iamlinkgirl
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 11:44am
I think I come across as "standoffish". That's not what I intended. My friends know that I'm here if they need me and that they never have to ask....what's mine is theirs. However...the big joke with my circle of friends is that if they want to be coddled, they know they're in the wrong place if they're at my house. My motto is: "Make yourself at home, you know where the fridge is, you know where the guest room is and there's clean towels in the guest bathroom. Now go on and leave me alone." I'm saying all of this lightheartedly, but I think I'm that way because I don't like anyone fussing over me if I'm a guest in someone else's home..which is rare...I'll find a hotel room if possible. That's the beauty of real friends....you don't have to do or be anything you're not. They know me and love me in spite of it (Bless their hearts!).
I hope I didn't imply that I'm the kind of person who must have it her way all the time. I'm not, but I sure don't like visitors without a little fair warning when possible - whether from the visitors or as in the OP's post, her boyfriend.
I have friends who are just like you, Firstamendment...and I admire their hospitality traits. I wish I were more like that. They're the ones that always have a houseful of people and SOMEHOW are always prepared....whether it's a well stocked fridge or cookies just out of the oven. I keep hoping their ways will rub off on me!! lol

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