How Can I get him to DO Something???!!!!
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| Mon, 09-12-2005 - 11:14pm |
Hi, It's my first time to this message board.
I just got married 7 months ago.
My husband is 29yrs old. I am 24 yrs old.
I constatly feel like I have to nag nag nag to get him to do things!!!!!!!
I AM SO FRUSTRATED RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!
For example, planning our reception party.
........I had to ask him 4 different times within 2 weeks to get his addresses so we could send out the invitations!!!!
I even wrote them out clearly and had the list ready for him. It ended up into a fight EVERY time I brought it up!
Then it was about helping me pack our apartment when we were moving last week. I started packing three weeks in advance, a little at a time. He hardly packed anything!! I asked him if he could please call the utilities companies to let them know we were moving out and to prorate our bills. He had only called one company a week later, so I ended up doing the rest!!!
Now it's about our thank you notes.
........I have done 3/4 of the notes. I didn't mind doing them, since most of those were my family and friends.
I asked him, nicely, if he could write the ones to his side. (I did some of his fam ones) He said "NO, you have better handwriting!!" I told him that it didn't matter, and that we both needed to contibute to the writing of them.
He finally agreed to do them.
I get home today, andhe is watching Football!!!! I ask him if he did any thank you notes and he obviously DIDN"T!!!
He said he didn't know where they were. I had them placed on the table with a rewritten sheet of the names he had to do!!!!! *VERY EASY TO SEE
I don't even want to talk to him.
I quit doing his laundry as of yesterday. He hasn't had to do it more than 5 times since we've been married!
He is almost 30 and I feel like I have to constantly nag to get him to do things. Then when I'm pissed off and not talking to him, he says, " oh, Megan is in a bad mood. It's a real joy coming home to you like this"
I'm so tired of this happening. He doesn't see what he is NOT doing. And he always turns it around and acts like I'm the one at fault!!!!
I mentioned how he came home from work at turned the t.v on to watch sports.
well, he does this every time he comes home from anywhere. It pisses me off so much.
I knew he liked sports before I married him. I too like playing sports, but I don't watch them, or anything every day for hours at a time. It's constant.......I can not handle it. He listens to talk radio/sports radio and it bugs me so much.
I tell him that these guys (sports broadcasters), are such low lifes. They spend their days analyzing how men play sports. Talk about an unmeaningfull life!!! And my husband supports it!!
I know each person in this world has the right to do what they want with their life. But I see sports addicts like I see celebrity addicts. . . . obsessing over someone elses life instead of obessing over what really matters in life.
I'm going off, I know. But my husband is an openminded, non sexist kind of guy, and I don't understnad how he can be this ignorant!
Edited 9/13/2005 8:34 pm ET ET by immeggie

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I'm a little bit confused by one statement you made in your last response. You said, "So he moved into this filthy house with two guys. He would clean the bathroom when I would come to town.
He's not a dirty person. ", which sounds like a contradiction, it sure doesn't sound like he was a cleaner, and a clean person doesn't usually move in with dirty people, it drives them crazy and they get fed up being the only ones to take care of the problem. If he was only cleaning the bathroom when you were coming to town, it doesn't sound like he was motivated to clean much, or clean anything out of a desire for himself to live in a clean environment. The only reason I say these things is because I think it's helpful to have a realistic idea of who and what you're dealing with before you start out.
I think the first thing that needs to happen is you need to have a calm, frank discussion about chores at a time when you're not mad and there isn't an issue between you. This is a serious matter and it deserves serious attention, not just to be brought up when you're angry or fed up. Talking about it in a serious manner will allow you to hear what he thinks about it and it'll allow him to hear how you really feel, it'll also give him a better indication that you're serious. Remember, if he's lived with mom who's over dramatic he's all too used to outbursts that don't mean a thing. In this conversation, it's important for you to do some of the talking for sure, but it's just as important, if not more, that you listen to what he says about it. You need his thoughts, his suggestions, his ideas, his agreements, a fruitful talk is not where he listens to a lecture then agrees to how ever you tell him it's going to be. He should be your partner, your equal here. I'd be interested in hearing how your talk goes and I hope you'll let us know what he has to say and what he thinks ought to happen.
Once you've made some agreements on who does what around the house (if you both work, you should also share the housework -- don't forget that car and yard maintenance count, but the jobs need to be in perspective as to how often they're done and how much work is entailed (changing the oil counts, but since it's done once every three months it hardly is equal to doing the dishes or laundry). Get the chores written out on a list of who does what. You might want to get his signature of agreement for proof that he agreed to each of the jobs that are his responsibility. Now comes the hard part. Once you've agreed on who does what, the jobs that are his are HIS. It's not for you to be upset that they haven't been done to your specifications, it's his job to do his way, and it's not for you to be upset that it hasn't been done during a time frame you'd prefer. Your attitude needs to be one of confidence and positiveness. Even if you don't believe he's really going to do it conduct yourself like you believe he is. Adopt the attitude of "I know he'll get to it when he has time" and let it go, not a word! Let's say his job is the dishes and he's let them go for so long that there are no clean dishes in the house. Keep your positive, cheerful attitude and wash whatever you need for yourself -- and I mean one fork, one knife, one plate, one coffee cup whatever you need at that specific instant, do nothing in reserve for later in the day. If he comments on what you've done you should remain upbeat and say something like, "I know you'll get to those dishes, so I just washed what I needed." Eventually, he'll have to do the dishes but you'll have to continue to wash one of what you need several times a day until he does. Same goes with all the other chores. If his job is to clean the living room and it's a mess, let it be a mess. If you have company over, let 'em come! When they walk into the mess, say, "Oh, it's Aaron's job to clean the living room, but he hasn't gotten to it yet". It's not your mess and isn't your embarrassment, it's his. It wouldn't be uncommon or unusual for a guy to hold out, expecting when company's coming or when things get really piled up that you'll cave in or get mad and just take care of it yourself. It may well be a "game" of holding out until he gives up. I can tell you that if you give in and do anything that's his to do, you're teaching him that you will indeed do his work if he holds out. You're also further reinforcing the lessons from childhood that his messes and his work will be done for him. It's going to take time, it won't happen easily or quickly. the chores need to be divided equally, he shouldn't have the "easy" ones so that you don't have to worry about what doesn't get done. It's also very important that you let go of whatever chore has been assigned to him. For instance, with the invitations, if he hadn't gotten his list to me, I would have given him the invites and told him it was his job to address and mail those that were on his list, then let it go. If he never gets around to doing it, it's his friends and family that are left out, not yours, and in seeing them I would make sure they understood who's responsibility the invitations were. It's tough love, and it works on kids too. Actually, in old school, it's consequences for your actions.
As far as the sports 24/7 goes, I think it's reasonable to agree on time without sports, it's rude to go to someone's house to visit, then plop down on their couch and focus on TV instead of your hosts. Likewise with visiting you at work. I'm thinking he can spend the time with you without getting bored or needing his sports fix in ten minutes. I'm not sure I read you correctly, but you do realize that when you talk about your views on sports addicts, your husband is one of them.....
I will say one thing in closing. Don't attempt this if you're not ready to hold out for the long haul. Giving up, giving in will seal your fate and make any future attempts much harder to win -- if not impossible. If you can afford it, a good way to handle this might be to hire someone to come in once a week or so to do the housework for you. Maybe that's not possible, and maybe it's just don't want to do, but it's worth suggesting. What do you think, Meggie?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Sexual Pleasure
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
LMAO, Pandabu -- too funny
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Sexual Pleasure
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Wow.....What do I think? I think ," Are you getting paid to do this?"
First off, thanks for your advice! Where do I start.........
What comes to mind first, without re reading your post is, My husband is not dirty. Yes, he did live with two gross guys in a filthy house,but it was his only option to get out of his mom's house. The entire time he lived there he was grossed out and would clean the bathroom and clean out the kitchen cabinets. He got fed up with his roommates and could't wait until we could have a place of our own to keep nice.
He does do the dishes.....more than I do. He thinks that dishes should be cleaned while cooking, where I tend to leave them soaking until later.
I feel like I have given the wrong immpression about his cleanliness. He is indeed one of the cleanest guys I know. . . . . our issues aren't about household duties.
I'm just frustrated with him not contributing to ............I don't know what to call them....
OUR party stuff.....Thank you notes......I guess I get frustrated when something very important needs to be done and he waits until it's too late, and then I have already nagged and nagged. BECAUSE IT WAS IMPORTANT STUFF!!! And he wasn't seeing that it was!!!!!!
I know I need to sit down, when I'm not upset and talk with him about it.
*Just to make a point about myself......I do not give in! ; )
also, I did try your idea about the invitations. I finally told him that he could address his own, and who he invited he invited. But it didn't work out because my mom is the one who designed them and had them......and we were gone for the summer on the east coast. And he finally gave the addresses to my mom, but I wish It could have been easier to accomplish! That's why when I asked him about the thank you notes just 3 days ago, I asked very nicely and didn't get mad. He eventually agreed to do them.. . . . we'll see how it turns out. I will be Positive like you said. It's so hard.........i'm gunna have to be fake.
And with the sports.....yes, he is a sports addict!!! I'm going to talk to my dad and older brother about this one. They too are sports fans.......but know the importance of a relationship with their wives and others.
Thank you so much for your time!
Feel free to add any last thoughts!
Some conflict management/resolution articles that may be helpful (they're very good!) from our Information and Resources section are:
Verbal Fencing With Someone You LoveTen Rules For Fair Fighting
Dos and Don'ts For Fair Fighting
Conflicts - Points to Remember
I hope you find them helpful
I also hope you can incorporate what I've suggested into where they fit your situation. Best of luck, Meggie!
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Sexual Pleasure
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
<>
~~ I agree that that would be wrong! LOL! And I don't do it in my own marriage. I do what is important to me and leave him to figure out what is important enough to him. And if I have time and he asks, I do things for him too, cause it IS a marriage after all. But there is no way that one person can do it all for 2 or more people...
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~~Um, can't say that I have, LOL! I do understand drug use causes brain issues (forgetfulness, etc), I just don't see where it would be situation specific, ie he can't do anything at home but is GREAT at his job and friends and outside life. That smacks more of home stuff not being important to him. Also makes me wonder what condition he kept his home in BEFORE he was married. Could be that he just isn't a cleaning person, not that he figures the wife can do it all.
Jen
Edited to say: Okay, I've read the rest of the posts and had the last couple of sentences clarified now. :)
Edited 9/14/2005 9:21 am ET ET by imasillynut
If he "eventually" agreed to do the thank yous, I can tell you when they will get done. At least by him. Probably never. He probably agreed just to get you to be quiet about them. And honestly, most men I know were never that involved in the whole wedding planning thing, and most don't write thank yous. Hopefully he will, since he agreed to, but if he doesn't, realize it's just something else that is important to you and not him.
Jen
You're right , just because something is important to ME doesn't mean it's important to HIM. (I think it should be!! : )
BUT.......I will try to talk calmly about issues.....and he is usually pretty good about listening. If he does the thank you notes, I'll be impressed! If he doesn't, I'll tell him that his friends and family won't be thanked for their gift. . . . . . . . . . . . .and in MY OPINION that is extremely rude, but it is his choice.
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