How can I survive a long distance relationship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2010
How can I survive a long distance relationship?
14
Mon, 10-24-2011 - 8:40pm

This is going to be really long, so I will apologize right off..

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Tue, 10-25-2011 - 9:30am
Your feelings about him are extremely disconcerting. You trust him implicitly even after a really rough history, and you are treating him like he is "the one" even though you cant really know that yet. It is highly unlikely, especially due to this being your first real relationship, that this is the last man you will ever date. Be very careful. make sure you realize that you are just starting to get to know this new relationship and if fights and irritability become more prevalent, it may not be the right relationship. The right relationship has everything to do with your harmony as a couple and so little to do with “crazy about you" feelings. Right now you will just have to live with the distance, as you get to establishing a new relationship, because moving doesnt make sense.
Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Tue, 10-25-2011 - 10:09am
I agree with UUC, you may have known his guy as a friend for many years but that is not the same as being in a relationship with him. You don't know yet whether he is really the right guy for you.

In the beginning of any relationship, both partners are on their "best behavior", whether consciously or subconsciously. It's only once you get past this stage that you start to see each other for who you truly are and it's then that you can determine whether there are the foundations for a successful long term relationship. In a long distance relationship, this period of being on your best behavior is extended even longer because you don't see each other on a regular basis.

The fact that your last visit was spotted with irritation at each other may mean that you are both starting to come out of the "best behavior" period - which means this is a crucial time for you. How you each handle it will determine the success or failure of the relationship.

"Here is my ultimate question: How is this going to work out?"

You mean logistically? You just have to keep doing what you're doing - make an effort to stay in touch daily, whether through email, instant messaging, texting, webcam or phone, so that you both feel like you're a part of each other's lives. But at the same time do not make rash decisions like moving for someone you don't actually know all that well yet. If you feel you can't handle a long distance relationship, it needs to end.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010
Tue, 10-25-2011 - 4:43pm

Since you have not really spend lot of time together as in a relationship, I would suggest just focus on that right now. Spend as much as time as you can together. When the time comes, you will know what to do if he is the right one for you. I gave up my life and moved to Italy to marry my boyfriend, I left everything behind so I know how you feel. But for me I never considered not going because I knew it was the right thing to do and I have no regrets. But please just make sure you spend enough time together as a couple before making any big decisions.

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Wed, 10-26-2011 - 12:18pm

Hi,

S-L-O-W D-O-W-N!

A)He's in the middle of ending a signifcant relationship with a child involved which will keep him in contact with his EX for the rest of his life. He needs time to get through the first few months, if not first year, of the ending of this marriage. Both of you are very vunerable right now because he's feeling rejected and you're feeling like you've got a second chance. Whoa Nelly!

2)You have a mortgage, job, family where you are right now. He's about to relocate to a new position, new area, etc. etc. In addition to the emotional transition he has to make he has to make a physical one. That takes time 6 months to a year to discover if it's really going to work for him. He may decide he doesn't like his new locale or job and move back to his original position. He may also reunite with his Ex-wife again. (Have you thought of that?)

3)Long Distance is your best friend right now. It will give both of you time to cool off and think.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2010
Thu, 10-27-2011 - 7:27am
I'm not planning on moving anytime soon, and you all bring up valid points. I guess I just need to know how to get through the long distance part. I miss him a lot. We talk all the time, I guess I just want to know how it's going to work out but I can't know that yet. I guess I just have to be patient and suffer through missing him all the time. Maybe one day it will get easier and I know when the time is right my decision will be made for me. Thank you for all of the advice!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010
Thu, 10-27-2011 - 11:21am

When I was in a LD relationship with my current husband, it lasted for for almost 8 months. We lived on different continents so getting to see each other meant paying thousands of dollars and travelling for 15 hours or more. However, we made it and we made it because we kept busy with hobbies and work, we made sure we spoke almost everyday via Skype or chat. You also have to have trust and make the most out when you do see each other. Good Luck!

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Tue, 11-01-2011 - 2:34am

Chel, I know I'm


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2010
Tue, 11-01-2011 - 9:50pm
I do realize that a relationship is far different than a friendship, or at least I am realizing this now. I honestly just think we had an off weekend. Everyone has their good and bad days. I can see a big change in him especially since his divorce will be final in a month or so. We had a very good talk the other night about our future, and he actually said he wants me to be in it. Of course this will not happen for a few years, but I feel much better that he is saying the things that I want to hear. I know you will all say that he is just using me, etc. but things are so different than before. I realize we have a lot to discuss before I ever decide to move and that it is a very big and scary decision. I promise you that I won't take this decision lightly and will give a lot of thought before I decide. I know he could take care of me and we would be good for each other. I have always loved him and now I am seeing that he loves me too. He's just not always the best at showing it with words. Last night is the first time he's said something about our future and I feel that he truly means it. It's exciting but incredibly scary. I appreciate everyone's concern. I promise I won't do something stupid. But I can't leave and not take a chance on someone that I love. I want to give him and me plenty of time to figure things out. I just dont want to lose him again...
Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Tue, 11-01-2011 - 11:30pm

No one has suggested he's using you, and I don't think anyone has that impression.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2010
Wed, 11-02-2011 - 4:39pm
Thank you so much. When we first started talking I asked him about seeing other people and he was ok with It. I really don't know how he would feel now. I don't want to see anyone else. I've been on a few other dates, but nothing that ever turned out to be anything. And on each of those dates I kept thinking how much more fun I would have if I were with him (this is during the two year period that I was not speaking with him). I want to be with him and I know I should go in with an open mind, but he is always the one that I have wanted and we get along really well. I know that we need to step back and make sure this is what we both want. I am not feeling like I would move tomorrow. Obviously I want to be sure that he is the one before I move my entire life. I know this will take lots of time, I just want to do this the right way. When I do decide to move, he wants me to live with him for a year or so and then get married. I don't believe in that and want to get married before we live together or at least be engaged. My family would much prefer it that way. He lived with his ex before they got married and it didn't work out so I dont know if that is a wise thing to do, but I do see his point that we need to know if we can live with each other first, but that's just not what I believe.

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