How can I trust my husband again?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
How can I trust my husband again?
3
Sat, 05-17-2003 - 3:58pm
Hi

I am really very upset, my husband who Ibb have been married to for 1 year has hurt me and has taken away my trust by lying to me. I have settled in London, leaving behind my family and friends and have no one here who I can talk to , I have given so much love to my husband and told him several times that he means a lot to me and that he is my world. I try my best to keep him happy. my husbands past also hurts and makes mecry from time to time.

My husband lied to me about a very small thing, he told me he was going to have lunch with some company people and then later on I read one of his emails in which I found out he had gone out with his friend. He said to just a week before that he would never lie to me and never tdo anything to hurt me. I was so sad, that just by lying to me, I have lost trust in him. What do you think I should do?

Thanks for taking out time and reading this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Sun, 05-18-2003 - 1:17am
I'm assuming, since you got so upset, that the "friend" is either a girl or a man you don't want him hanging around. I think when your dh said that he would never do anything to hurt you he meant that he would never hurt you to your face. He must have known that it would upset you to know that he went out with this person, otherwise he would have told you he was going to. Now, going out to lunch is not necessarily indicative of a cheater, but he's obviously keeping you in the dark about certain things.

It seems to me from your post that you think your world would end if he were ever to leave you...that bothers me. Forgive me for saying this, but I really think you have been given a wonderful opportunity to find new interests in this new place. Take a class, or join a club. Get out and meet new people. Work on building your self-esteem. He might continue to hide things from you, he might not. The relationship may work out, it may not. No matter what happens with the two of you, you need to rely on yourself. I suspect that a big part of you not trusting him stems from your own insecurities. Still, no one knows for sure what's going on in your relationship but you. Try to open up the lines of communication between the two of you and find out from him why he lied.

April

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Sun, 05-18-2003 - 7:32am
Hi April

You are right, I did bring up the subject, but when I asked my husband why he had lied he said he did'nt know. I cried a lot and was very hurt.

I do feel my world would end if he's not with me. I don't know why i feel this way but I do. I think I need to make my self stronger and need to make some friends.

Thank you very much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-18-2003 - 11:23am
From the little bit you've said it sounds like this is about a lot more than this incident or trust in general. You say that your husband's past "makes you cry", that you're 'all alone' and that he is "your world". From the above it's pretty clear that there are issues that you have trouble dealing with (without knowing what they are it's impossible to comment on the actual issues, but I have to wonder why you'd marry someone who's past causes you so much distress). You also seem to have some trust issues as you invaded his privacy by going into his email. From what little you've said it also appears that neither of you have good problem-solving communication skills, and that you have some insecurity/self-esteem/self-worth issues that need to be dealt with.

Since this goes so much deeper than a 'tiny little lie' I'd say without a doubt two things are needed and very important here: 1) Therapy/counseling for you with a licensed therapist/counselor to deal with your self-esteem/trust/insecurity issues. Whether they are the result of past experiences or from experiences with your current husband they need to be dealt with so they don't continue to plague your life; 2) Counseling with a counselor/therapist licensed in a field of couples therapy for you and your husband to deal with issues in your marriage and to learn how to communicate with each other so that each of you can have understanding of the other and to problem solve issues that will come up.

cl-2nd_life








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